缅北禁地

Dec 8, 2019 By Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.Com 6 min read

Attention, Christmas shoppers and watch out Christmas shoplifters! It鈥檚 time for my third-annual Parental Misery Index (PMI) Toy Guide.

PMI is my service to parents where I research the hottest toys of the holiday season and assign them a rating on my one-of-a-kind PMI scale from 1 to 10.

An unattainable score of 1 is for the least annoying toy that parents will love so much, they鈥檒l clear the urns from the mantle to make room for the toy as a shrine. A score of 10 on the scale means the toy is so annoying, even the Grinch wouldn鈥檛 steal it.

For this year鈥檚 PMI research, I posed as a mall-store Santa and asked the kids 鈥� the ones that didn鈥檛 urinate on me 鈥� what they wanted for Christmas. For every toy mentioned, I looked at their parents and measured the degree of horror on their faces.

Without further delay, this year鈥檚 toys are鈥�

My Robotic Pet Tumbling Hedgehog, price $35.95, for ages 7 and up.

For any child who always wanted a pet hedgehog, but didn鈥檛 know where on God鈥檚 green Earth to begin to find one, no worries because they can have a robotic hedgehog with just some assembly required鈥�meaning parents have to construct the entire thing.

PMI Rating: 7.8

Part of the formula that goes into determining these ratings includes the disturbances to an adult鈥檚 senses. This Chronic The Hedgehog eats away at three. Sight: this thing consists of 170 pieces to build. Sound: it comes with a sensor that reacts to different noises and makes sounds, and I hope it鈥檚 set to react to sudden bursts of profanity because (Touch) you know you鈥檙e going to step on some of those 170 pieces that include hedgehog spines.

Zero Gravity Laser Race Car, price $29.99, for ages 6 and up.

Imagine your Hot Wheels driving off the track and actually going up walls and on the ceiling. Now imagine what you saw was real, but it was your kid鈥檚 car doing that, so chalk up your imagination to a hallucination.

PMI Rating: 2.2

I have to admit even though there鈥檚 potential for this to be a disaster when toy cars start falling from the ceiling during Christmas dinner and not to mention the ramifications of your kid believing the family minivan can travel up buildings like Spiderman when they learn to drive, the kid inside me calls up from the adult landfill of despair and bacon to say, 鈥溾��that鈥檚 freakin鈥� awesome鈥�and send down more bacon!鈥�

Play-Doh Baby Shark Set, price $14.99, for ages 3 and up.

Well, you should have known a way to market on the popularity of 鈥淏aby Shark鈥� song was gonna happen sooner or later. So, Play-Doh now has a set so you can make your own family of sharks from baby to grandma to second cousin three times removed.

PMI Rating: 4.2 (yeah, I鈥檓 shocked it鈥檚 not higher either)

If the song 鈥淏aby Shark鈥� hasn鈥檛 been heard enough 鈥� and if you haven鈥檛 heard it, then do yourself a favor and pierce your eardrums with knitting needles to avoid it 鈥� now there鈥檚 going to be a Play-Doh visual to go along with that audible menace. The toy was automatically going to get a higher misery rating, but then I figured a parent can easily crush a 3-year-old child鈥檚 artistic aspirations by pointing out to them that their mold creations look nothing like a shark; therefore, the parent turns them off from further pressing colored clay into the carpet and hopefully stopping them from listening to the song for the thousandth time in a day.

Foam Alive Make N鈥� Melt Ice Cream Kit, price $17.99, for ages 5 and up.

If kids aren鈥檛 totally satisfied playing with slime or sand or mixing both into a noxious substance, there鈥檚 now Foam Alive, foam that鈥檚 packable into molds, but also expands as it鈥檚 used. The kit allows the children to scoop up the foam and put it on non-edible ice-cream cones.

PMI Rating: 8.7

This foam is some special stuff as it can do so many things, and the package even says it melts like real ice cream. However, I see it as something new and improved that will make a mess of my house as dealing with a kid trying to manage a real ice cream cone is enough of a sticky nightmare to begin with. Even though the foam is non-toxic, when you consider everyone鈥檚 automatic reaction to ice cream melting on a cone, you鈥檙e going to hear, 鈥淗ey, this foam tastes like a visit to the ER.鈥�

Carpool Karaoke: The Mic, price $53.95, for ages 8 and up.

Everyone sings along to music in the car. Even I like to belt out a ditty from the late, great Tiny Tim on my way to a cemetery. With the Carpool Karaoke microphone, you can tune into a radio station playing in the car, and your voice can be heard tip-toeing through the tulips from the car speakers.

PMI Rating: 9.2

Imagine all things the average person hates 鈥� karaoke, pop music, children, war, Lima beans 鈥� represented in what appears to be a scepter-looking microphone that a 鈥淪tar Trek鈥� villain would use to vaporize a red-shirt cadet. Also, what parent wouldn鈥檛 want to be stuck in traffic on the turnpike while their kid sings the overplayed 鈥淔rozen 2鈥� soundtrack, and the parent realizing they paid $54 to make that happen?

So that鈥檚 this year鈥檚 PMI list. With that knowledge, push your kid off Santa鈥檚 lap before they say too much. Now go out into the retail world and shop a little smarter, a little braver and, with some Christmas magic, a little saner.

According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. He hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday. His book, 鈥漇tupid Brain,鈥� is available on Amazon.com.