According to Hofmann: Kid versus adults: the holiday edition
Christmas is a strange time when you鈥檙e an adult 鈥� the full moon rises, and you become hairy, angry, grow fangs and you want to chase your food through the forest.
For those adults who are not werewolves, it鈥檚 strange to see you kids enjoying the holiday as you start seeing weird parallels between childhood and adulthood and Robin Hood and Boyz n the Hood.
For example, when you鈥檙e a kid and you鈥檙e going to a family member鈥檚 home on Christmas, you are asked questions like, 鈥淲hat did you get for Christmas?鈥� or 鈥淲hat did Santa bring you?鈥� or if you鈥檙e Jewish, 鈥淗appy Hanukkah! What presents did you get these last eight days?鈥�
As an adult in the same situation, you鈥檝e mostly asked, 鈥淒o you have to go into work tomorrow or are you off?鈥�
Yes, for some reason, information of your post-holiday work schedule is of great interest to other adults followed by the number of places you鈥檝e been to that day.
鈥淲here鈥檝e you been to so far?,鈥� 鈥淲here you heading after this?,鈥� 鈥淗ow many more places do you have to go?,鈥� or 鈥淲hy are you growing fangs and licking your hairy lips at me?鈥�
Adults may get the occasional tongue-and-cheek question like 鈥渨as Santa good to you?鈥� and I can鈥檛 tell you how many times I wanted to give the full-fledged flamboyant holly-jolly-merry-and-bright answer of, 鈥淥h me oh my yes, friend of friends! Santa was so great to me because he loves me so much, and I鈥檝e been so good this year that he granted to me my only Christmas wish of receiving a brand-new flush valve seal for my toilet!鈥�
I also find it interesting to compare the stamina between the young and the old, and I know that you鈥檙e saying, 鈥淢ark, you grinchy, yet boisterously-spirited, goon! You can鈥檛 compare children鈥檚 stamina to adults. It鈥檚 like comparing a rocket ship to an older rocket ship that鈥檚 out of fuel and resting in a dumpster.鈥�
True, but you have to marvel at the stamina of the next generation since kids are the ones who have the sleepless Christmas Eve nights, but are also the ones who madly rush to the Christmas tree to rip open presents like coked-up zombies going after wrapped brains, kids are the ones that scream and carry on with their fellow child relatives to run around, scream and play with dangerous toys like chainsaws and dynamite, scream and shovel food fuel in their mouth and scream at every house they visit鈥nd they scream.
Adults, on the other hand, are startled out of bed by the sounds of screaming, they sit on the couch and watch the kids scream and open presents, the adults sit or stand to watch their kids rush around at other people鈥檚 homes and occasionally yell at them to stop moving or stop screaming because, you know, they scream.
At the end of the day, the kids are hopped up and ready to enter a triathlon of playtime with their toys, games and dynamite while the adults are crashing to sleep by just seeing a commercial for a twin bed set.
When the children (eventually) come down from their holiday high, they take stock on what they鈥檝e received 鈥� noting if they can checkmark everything on their list so they can categorize the ratio between toys and clothing as well as the ratio in the contents in their stockings between sweets and responsible things like a toothbrush, floss and dynamite. Kids also inventory and compare their presents from last year鈥檚 total. That, by the way, is the most number crunching many kids will voluntarily do in the course of their childhood.
If satisfied, the children stand over their bounty, nod their heads and mutter, 鈥淚t was a good year.鈥�
Parents also take note of what鈥檚 been received.
For women, it鈥檚 if the kids received enough to qualify for a truly Merry Christmas and for men, it鈥檚 trying to determine if they received enough underwear and socks for the next 365 days.
But, whether it鈥檚 toys, socks, underwear, merriment, work schedule, travel schedule or dynamite, in the end, as long as someone can mutter, 鈥淚t was a good year鈥� and crash on the couch to catch a few Z鈥檚 before the full moon appears, then so be it.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. He hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday. His book, 鈥漇tupid Brain,鈥� is available on Amazon.com.