According to Hofmann: Aaaah…that new car smells
My wife needed a new car as her car was giving us subtle hints that its lease was reaching a premature end like the odometer readout sweating, actually growing teeth and whispering it鈥檚 hungry for money every 100 miles.
The lease situation was perfect as she only had to drive about three miles to work every day, but then she had to go and get a new job to 鈥渂etter herself,鈥� 鈥済et out of this rut鈥� and 鈥淚 swear to God, Mark, if I don鈥檛 get out of that office, I鈥檓 going into an early grave, and I鈥檓 taking you with me!鈥� 鈥搚ou know, the normal reactions.
The new job, however, has her driving roughly 40 miles to 283 miles per day round trip, which is an estimate because I rarely look at her odometer because I鈥檓 a gentleman and know to buy a lady a drink before it goes that far.
Anyway, we had to head to a dealership, which makes my skin crawl. I鈥檇 rather go to the dentist who does colonoscopies on the side with the same equipment than deal with a car salesman.
Don鈥檛 get me wrong, I鈥檓 sure they鈥檙e good people, but as they approach, my defense goes up, and they know it鈥檚 up, and I know that they know it鈥檚 up, but after that point, I鈥檓 not too sure if they know that I know that they know it鈥檚 up or what is considered up at that point because I鈥檝e spun myself into mass confusion and conspiracy before any words are even exchanged.
My wife, on the other, decided to spill her guts.
鈥淥h, it鈥檚 a miracle we even made it here in my deathtrap of a car!鈥� were her code words through her ramblings. 鈥淗ere鈥檚 my Social Security number, my bank account number and passwords and feel free to repeatedly punch my husband in the face.鈥�
On my list of car-buying grievances, a major one is the forced rapport from the salesperson when they try to bond with you.
They normally agree with everything you say, and a part of me always wants to see how far I can take the conversation.
鈥淣ow that I think about it, Mr. Hofmann, I guess I would renounce my citizenship in favor of a totalitarian system of government controlled by aardvarks. Here鈥檚 how you activate the cruise control.鈥�
It also never fails that when you make it abundantly clear that you鈥檙e just looking with no intention whatsoever of buying or agreeing to anything today, you鈥檙e just setting the bar higher for them to sell you the car.
That鈥檚 because, to them, it鈥檚 abundantly clear that after you鈥檙e satisfied with the test drive, the car is going home with you like you fell into some kind of semi-mutual agreement loophole.
鈥淲ell, Mr. and Mrs. Hofmann, that was a great test drive,鈥� they say. 鈥淟et鈥檚 go in and get the paperwork started.鈥�
鈥淣ah, like I said, we鈥檙e just looking right now.鈥�
鈥淥f course, so, we鈥檒l crunch some numbers and get you a good deal.鈥�
鈥淲e just wanted to see some cars, look at prices and stuff 鈥� that鈥檚 it.鈥�
鈥淲ait! What鈥檚 that? The car keys just magically appeared in your pocket!鈥�
鈥淣o! We鈥檙e just looking!鈥�
鈥淲ell, seven years has already flashed by, and you鈥檙e bringing this car in for a trade! Let鈥檚 go for a test ride.鈥�
鈥淏ut I just bought this one!鈥�
鈥淲onderful! Let鈥檚 start the paperwork.鈥�
Yeah, I鈥檓 too much of a pushover, especially when I hear about people who love to haggle and know how to work the system.
I knew a guy who was the master of that. He would go as far as walking in, demand everything he could think of on the car and for a lower price. Once the salesman said importing a car from the future was impossible, the guy would turn around and walk off the lot.
Then the salesperson would call the next day and say they can do it for a certain price, and then the guy would demand something else for a lower cost and then hang up when the salesperson said it couldn鈥檛 be done.
That went on until the guy was able to drive off the lot in a 2052 gold-plated Porsche 928 (they will bring them back in 2048 after they鈥檙e discontinued again in 2035) complete with hover package and the salesman鈥檚 girlfriend for a measly $700.
And that burns me up because I鈥檓 still paying $900 a month for the 2032 Honda Brick economy model that the car salesman said I had already purchased as a result of me asking about the location of the restroom.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. He hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday. His book, 鈥漇tupid Brain,鈥� is available on Amazon.com.