According to Hofmann: The Fright Stuff
I once attended a birthday party for one of my stepdaughter鈥檚 friends 鈥� against my will, of course 鈥� at a skating party in a roller rink around Halloween.
At one point when the kids were eating pizza and cake, the birthday girl鈥檚 father thought it would be a good idea to dress up like a werewolf and 鈥渟urprise鈥� them.
After the kids recovered from attempting to flee and falling over themselves from still wearing roller skates, I couldn鈥檛 help but to think about the pure joy we all get out of scaring people.
It is, to me, the ultimate guilty pleasure because terrifying people and possibly giving them a heart attack is wrong when you look at it one way, but the thrill you receive and the satisfaction in which you get to bask makes being written out of your grandparent鈥檚 will all worthwhile.
Recently, my best scares have been directed toward my wife and stepdaughter, just sneaking up behind them and whispering quotes from scary movies like 鈥淭he Shining,鈥� 鈥淣ight of the Living Dead鈥� or 鈥淧ee Wee鈥檚 Big Adventure.鈥�
Or sometimes I walk into the room unnoticed where they鈥檙e doing something and just make Bigfoot roars as loud as I can and watch them jump with terrified looks punctuated on their faces.
Oh family quality time! You really have to cherish those moments.
Another good scare was directed to me from my brother a few years back.
We were on a long car ride, and he was annoyed that I kept falling asleep, so he waited until I was joyfully snoring away and occasionally not breathing due to acute sleep apnea and then he screamed 鈥淥h my God!,鈥� waking me in a cold-sweat panic.
Sure, I was terrified at the thought of a sudden and gruesome death, but I appreciated the scare so much that I didn鈥檛 give him a wedgie out of revenge when we arrived at our destination, but opted for the wet Willy instead.
The best scare I ever gave was during a picnic at my parents鈥� house years ago as I was crouched behind some bushes as I was practicing for my future as an investigative reporter and peeping Tom when my cousin鈥檚 car pulled up and parked in the driveway.
The passenger door opened and stayed open as my cousin in the passenger seat was speaking with her husband in the driver鈥檚 seat, and I had one of those moments where I thought it would be funny to scare the ever-loving crap out of her.
As I approached her open door, she was oblivious to me, and she was finishing telling her husband something trivial like who鈥檚 getting the kids in their divorce when she turned to me yelling, 鈥淗ey!!!鈥� at her and then she went into convulsions as she screamed like she was being attacked by piranhas in a pool full of battery acid.
If you speak to her to this day, she鈥檒l tell you the scare wasn鈥檛 that bad, but she鈥檚 just a stinking liar 鈥� just ask anyone she knows at the nervous hospital.
I think it was the ease of the scare that made it so fulfilling because if you put too much time and effort into it, the payoff will never seem worth it, much like the opposite effect when you scare the socks off someone without even trying.
Everyone has gone through those unintentional scares. You walk in on someone, and they don鈥檛 notice you, but you don鈥檛 notice that they didn鈥檛 notice you until you notify them of something and then they jump and holler, 鈥淵ou scared the beetlejuice out of me and, no, I wasn鈥檛 doing anything illegal!鈥�
I do that to my wife all the time, and after her reaction of pure fright, I don鈥檛 feel anything 鈥� not because I don鈥檛 have a soul, like she always writes on birthday cards to me, but because the scare doesn鈥檛 feel earned.
I even tried laughing like I do when I intentionally frighten her, but it came out like 鈥淗a-ha-ha-ha鈥hhh鈥a-ha-ha鈥a,鈥� to which she replied, 鈥淲hat鈥檚 wrong with you?鈥�
Maybe she鈥檚 right, but I don鈥檛 see what the big deal is.
When Ellen DeGeneres scares celebrities on her talk show, she鈥檚 considered innovative and celebrated; when I frighten an ex girlfriend when she鈥檚 in public with her husband while I鈥檓 holding a butcher knife with the word 鈥渕arried鈥� written in lipstick on the blade, I鈥檓 considered a 鈥減sychopath鈥� who 鈥渟houldn鈥檛 be around children鈥� unless I鈥檓 鈥渂eing observed鈥� by a 鈥減rofessional.鈥�
But maybe Ellen has something to teach us other than dance moves because, like comedy, she probably knows that scarring people and doing so in a right and innocent way is all in the delivery and being a good sport about it.
To that, I say, 鈥淗a-ha-ha-ha鈥hhh鈥a-ha-ha鈥a鈥� as I鈥檒l still do it my way while adjusting myself out of a fresh wedgie.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. He hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday. His book, 鈥漇tupid Brain,鈥� is available on Amazon.com.