According to Hofmann: Take your advice and ‘ruff’ it
All puppies are extremely cute whether it鈥檚 their look or their mannerisms. Everything about them is filled to the brim with adorableness.
Well, I鈥檓 here to tell you to not be fooled. That鈥檚 by design. It鈥檚 a defense mechanism in their DNA, because if they weren鈥檛 so freaking cute, those rotten beasts wouldn鈥檛 survive into doggy adulthood.
In the ongoing saga with my family and our now 16-week-old puppy, Oreo, our gripes with him come down to biting, chewing, peeing and pooping鈥onstantly.
I鈥檝e reached the point where I started picking and choosing what I let upset me with him; it鈥檚 like picking your fights when you鈥檙e in a relationship.
鈥淒addy, the puppy is chewing on the electric fence!鈥�
鈥淓h鈥ust make sure he doesn鈥檛 poop on it.鈥�
I鈥檝e chosen which of my body parts can tolerate his tiny razor-sharp puppy bites. For example, Oreo Speedwagon can go after my legs, toes and arms, but I have to draw the line at my fingers because, as a newspaper reporter, that鈥檚 my livelihood. I鈥檝e also drawn a strict line at my face because I鈥檓 still holding out hope that my male modeling career will take off.
Don鈥檛 get me wrong, I鈥檝e tried to do the responsible thing and look for ways to deal with the new furry menace in my life by doing research online where there鈥檚 an avalanche of information just waiting to bury me alive.
Of course, everything you read and see online is totally trustworthy 鈥� oh, and I might as well announce now that I鈥檓 leaving my wife for this 20-year-old bikini model from Brazil who totally fell in love with me after two message exchanges on Instagram; I鈥檓 just waiting for her to fly over to America now that she鈥檚 cashed that check I sent her for $78,500 for airfare and other expenses.
However, until Valentina makes her way here and hopefully responds to my many messages and calls, I still have to deal with this puppy鈥nd bankruptcy court.
It鈥檚 so true that no matter what new thing you receive 鈥� if it鈥檚 a new house, a new job or a new leprosy diagnosis 鈥� there are always going to be people who want to give you advice on it. The same is especially true of getting a new dog, especially a puppy and especially a puppy.
They always seem to have answers to my questions and to my follow up questions after I dismantle their first, second and fifth piece of advice with reality.
ME: 鈥淭he puppy is still biting me.鈥�
DOG EXPERT: 鈥淒id you smack him in the nose with a newspaper?鈥�
ME: 鈥淵eah, but he didn鈥檛 stop biting, and then he started chewing the newspaper and went to the bathroom on my column.鈥�
DOG EXPERT: 鈥淪prinkle chili powder on the newspaper.鈥�
ME: 鈥淲onder if he likes the taste of chili powder?鈥�
DOG EXPERT: 鈥淧ut the newspaper in his dish and your column in the yard so he knows where to eat and where to squat.鈥�
Then you go to the veterinarian for the puppy鈥檚 checkup and hear more advice, which makes you realize that everything that everyone has told you up to that point was totally wrong. When you tell those people what the vet said, they say the vet doesn鈥檛 know what she鈥檚 talking about.
It鈥檚 only when you start practicing everything you鈥檝e crammed in your head in the first couple of weeks of raising a puppy, you find only some people know what they鈥檙e talking about, most people have no clue what they鈥檙e talking about and the remainder of people are honest by saying it鈥檚 up to you to figure out what works鈥nd you should have brought home a pet rock instead.
The latter group is certainly correct. Pet rocks are cheap, easy to maintain and always listen to commands with the exception of playing fetch, but it is up to the owner to decide what works and what needs tweaked with their dogs to make them the best they can be.
By my calculations, my little Oreo has about 13 months to learn how to straighten up and fly right before the puppy cuteness wears off and he鈥檚 replaced with the pet rock.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. He hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday. His book, 鈥漇tupid Brain,鈥� is available on Amazon.com.