According to Hofmann: Big-time small talk
I hate to admit it, but every now and then you have to talk to people.
For many, many years, I鈥檝e attempted to avoid speaking to people through a slight shyness and a clinical loathing for humanity and hoped that I would eventually have a career where I didn鈥檛 have interaction with anyone, which obviously is a professional mime.
The reasoning is simple. Everyone avoids mimes, and those who do approach them aren鈥檛 offended when a mime doesn鈥檛 speak to them.
However, I soon found out that a mime鈥檚 income doesn鈥檛 really allow me to afford the little luxuries in life like toilet paper and chewing gum and, let鈥檚 face it, mime school ain鈥檛 free, so I had to take a part-time job that was the complete opposite of my future goals, and that was a gas station attendant.
Being a gas station attendant/cashier, I was forced out of my shell by tending to the morning customers on their way to work, stopping for gas, cigarettes and coffee 鈥� sometimes all in the same cup 鈥� and I was horrified when I realized I had to talk to them, especially to ask why they wanted gas, coffee and cigarettes in the same cup.
Trust me, you don鈥檛 want to know.
In those transactions, you get to learn the art of small talk, which is conversations with pleasantries, banter and the back-and-forth tidbits of knowledge and new-age-old sayings that keeps communication with our fellow human beings alive and well.
I was unfamiliar with that new language, and when I first heard a customer ask me if I was 鈥渨orking hard or hardly working,鈥� I honestly didn鈥檛 know how to respond.
I stopped and thought about it until the customer snapped their fingers in front of my face to inform me that it was just a saying and that there was no need for me to cry and to hit myself in the head with a pricing gun.
As I became more comfortable with my morning exchanges, I would either respond with 鈥渉ardly鈥� or 鈥渨orking,鈥� depending on my mood at the moment. I would later customize it with something like, 鈥淚鈥檓 working hard to hardly work for a living.鈥�
Then the customer would laugh and make their departure and either realize on the drive away that what I said made absolutely no sense or they think about it so hard that blood vessels started to burst in their brains.
But let鈥檚 face it, small talk is basically saying things that don鈥檛 benefit the human race by any stretch of the imagination as the participants are just exchanging exchanges.
My favorite standard greeting exchange is 鈥渉ow鈥檚 it going鈥� followed by 鈥渃an鈥檛 complain鈥� followed by 鈥渨ouldn鈥檛 matter if you did.鈥�
However, once you become familiar with it, then you can play games to see how far you can take it with someone who is also well versed in the art of small talk.
鈥淗ow鈥檚 it going?鈥�
鈥淥h, can鈥檛 complain.鈥�
鈥淵eah. It wouldn鈥檛 matter if you did.鈥�
鈥淵eah, nobody would listen anyway.鈥�
鈥淭he only one who would listen can鈥檛 do anything about it.鈥�
鈥淎nd they would probably charge you.鈥�
鈥淭hen they wouldn鈥檛 accept your insurance.鈥�
鈥淧lus their co-pay would be unreasonable.鈥�
Forty minutes later鈥�
鈥淭he moon will always wax and wane.鈥�
鈥淎nd the washing machine has four cycles, too.鈥�
鈥溾�ait. Who are you, again?鈥�
鈥淲ould it matter if I told you?鈥�
鈥淟et鈥檚 not restart all of that.鈥�
Much like stories 鈥� excluding 鈥淭he Neverending Story鈥�, of course 鈥� there鈥檚 a beginning, middle and end to the verbal phenomenons we all share.
So, once you establish that you鈥檙e hardly working and how nobody would care to hear you complain if you did complain, you are then faced with departing words, words for someone to remember you by.
鈥淭ake it easy.鈥�
鈥淚鈥檒l take it any way I can get it.鈥�
That happens to be my favorite departing phrase as it has a baseline philosophical blue-collar twang to it.
The problem with the departing exchange is when to end it. I remember situations where I would have a back and forth with a customer to the point where they鈥檙e halfway out the door or in the parking lot or shouting from their fleeing vehicle.
The secret to having a good ending is to not leave anything open for a back or a forth, depending on your role in the verbal exchange.
Examples like 鈥淭ake it easy,鈥� 鈥淗ave a good one鈥� or 鈥淟ater, Camacho鈥� all leave the door wide open for a lengthy departure, which is fine if you鈥檙e dropping off your soulmate at the airport or profusely thanking a police officer for letting go with just a warning, but certainly not kosher if it鈥檚 a customer or a casual acquaintance.
The best way to end a conversation for good is the same way I鈥檓 going to end this column.
鈥淕et out before I hit you with my pricing gun!鈥�
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. He hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday. His book, 鈥漇tupid Brain,鈥� is available on Amazon.com.