缅北禁地

Sep 29, 2019 By Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.Com 5 min read

Saying you don鈥檛 like to fly automatically makes people assume you鈥檙e afraid of flying. It鈥檚 like when you refuse alcohol, and they assume you鈥檙e a recovering alcoholic, but you reassure them you鈥檙e a fully-functional alcoholic, but are taking antibiotics.

I don鈥檛 like flying because it鈥檚 expensive, and I don鈥檛 want to travel anywhere, which is why I haven鈥檛 stepped on board an airplane in over a decade, on a train in seven years and a zeppelin in 50 years even though I鈥檓 41 years old.

However, my wife had to fly somewhere recently, and being a novice with only one other air-traffic experience under her belt, she sought advice from an old high-in-the-sky pro like me, who flew three times in his entire life.

Her big and only question was: What鈥檚 permitted on a plane nowadays?

It was a good question because even as an interested observer and casual reader of FAA and TSA regulations, I know the rules have been set, updated, reset, amended, nipped and tucked and sandblasted throughout the years so much that it鈥檚 totally unclear what you can and cannot bring on a plane鈥�like a sandblaster.

That鈥檚 why I went straight to the source, the TSA website, which has full list of items that are just begging me to mock and tease.

Obviously, weapons of any kind are not allowed in your carry-on, especially nun chucks, which is the first weapon I searched, followed by cattle prods and rocket launchers, which aren鈥檛 allowed at all and, yes, I had a strange upbringing.

However, Antlers 鈥� a.k.a. Deer Talons of Death 鈥� are allowed as a carry-on as well as nail clippers, so it鈥檚 still ideal to fly with caution, folks.

Artificial skeleton bones are allowed as both a carry-on and checked luggage, and the only reason it鈥檚 on the list is likely because people have asked about it鈥�numerous times. However, I found that real human skeleton bones are not listed, maybe because a majority of us are already carrying 206 human skeleton bones at all times so a few more wouldn鈥檛 make a difference or, on the other hand, maybe nobody had the nerve to ask or they鈥檒l end up sounding like a serial killer.

Nuts are allowed on a flight, but I don鈥檛 know why that鈥檚 not considered a weapon with the thousands upon thousands of dire warnings for people with nut allergies; these people are warned about crossing a street if a nut vendor is a block away. Of course, the rules may be updated by the time this is published, so who knows?

It鈥檚 either obvious or a head-scratcher to why parachutes are allowed as a carry-on. It makes no difference because nothing builds the confidence of the other passengers than bringing your parachute on the flight. The TSA also permits bringing body armor on a flight, so when you take your seat and adjust your flak jacket while stuffing nylon in your backpack, you can look at the passengers and say, 鈥淚 had a bad experience.鈥�

Not that the TSA is totally strict or totally open when it comes to your carry-on or checked luggage as there鈥檚 some items that you have to check with the airline before boarding a flight, which includes emergency position-indicating radiobeacons, which is a distress beacon used by mariners worldwide to alert search and rescue forces.

So, all you mariners out there, prepare a convincing argument with the airline company to bring your distress beacon on a plane. My argument would simply be, 鈥淚 had a bad experience.鈥�

Now, who鈥檚 to say the TSA doesn鈥檛 have a sense of humor? The correct answer is people who have been subject to a full-body cavity search, of course, but even they would be wrong in this case.

For example, one of the items listed is a light saber, the preferred weapon of a 鈥淪tar Wars鈥� Jedi.

鈥淪adly, the technology doesn鈥檛 currently exist to create a real light saber,鈥� the TSA states on their website. 鈥淗owever, you can pack a toy light saber in your carry-on or checked bag. May the force be with you.鈥�

The same goes with their rules on bringing a Magic 8 Ball on a flight.

鈥淔or Carry-on bags: We asked the Magic 8 Ball and it told us鈥�Outlook not so good!鈥� the TSA website reads. 鈥淔or Checked bags: We asked the Magic 8 Ball and it told us鈥�It is certain!鈥�

So there you go 鈥� sound advice for those travelers who can be rest assured they can bring along handcuffs and Geiger counters with confidence, but are warned to not smuggle grizzly-bear pepper spray or engine-powered equipment with residual fuel, or they鈥檒l be on the other end of a TSA agent snapping a latex glove on their hand, saying, 鈥淵ou鈥檙e going to have a bad experience.鈥�

According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. He hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday. His book, 鈥漇tupid Brain,鈥� is available on Amazon.com.