According to Hofmann: Prank you very much…the pandemic edition
Well, I have to start out this week鈥檚 column with an apology because the subject of the column, April Fool鈥檚 Day, has already passed.
I mean, you can鈥檛 blame me for forgetting to write it before the April Fool鈥檚 Day, as I鈥檝e been busy stockpiling ham, surgical masks, gin and weapons to prepare for Easter. Nothing can go wrong with that combination.
Instead of waiting a whole year to post a column on April Fool鈥檚 etiquette, I can do it now after the holiday so you can remember what the holiday was like instead of trying to capture its magic of pranks and light torture amidst the backdrop of a global pandemic.
It鈥檚 like drinking root beer when you鈥檙e thinking you鈥檙e about to drink chocolate milk; sure, it sounds good on paper, but when practiced, you鈥檙e choking and your brain is scrambled for several hours.
On the day in question, I pulled a prank my 10-year-old stepdaughter, Emma on her first day of tele-school or tele-tubbies or tele-kinesis鈥揑 don鈥檛 know the proper word for it.
Anyway, after she woke up at 11 a.m. and appeared by my side as I was covering a virtual press conference or virtual tour or virtual reality鈥揑 don鈥檛 know the proper terms anymore鈥揑 asked her if she was ready for her first day of 鈥渟chool.鈥� When she said she wasn鈥檛, I told her that was good because it鈥檚 only for one day and then she goes back to normal school tomorrow on the bus.
鈥淣ooooooo!鈥� she whined before I dropped the April Fool鈥檚 bomb on her.
I thought it was mildly appropriate April Fool鈥檚 joke: it was relevant to current events, but not terrifying, so it wasn鈥檛 bittersweet, but it was bitter-humorous.
On the other hand, what鈥檚 sour-serious would be exploiting the coronavirus in the name of a terrifying April Fool鈥檚 joke. I mean, by all accounts, I have a sick sense of humor, but I do know where the line is and I stay the CDC-required six feet away from it.
For example, visiting your grandparents and coughing all over them, and then saying, 鈥淎pril Fool鈥檚! I don鈥檛 have COVID-19鈥t least I don鈥檛 think I do. Anyway do you have any cookies?鈥�
While that is awful, the biggest April Fool鈥檚 no-no is trying to convince someone that your April 1 joke is real when they obviously know it鈥檚 not.
My wife and I have had fights over this and even though it鈥檚 a silly matter, the divorce court judge didn鈥檛 see the humor in it.
Let鈥檚 look at a reasonable exchange:
鈥淗ey, man! Your shoes are on fire!鈥�
鈥淵eah right! I know it鈥檚 April Fool鈥檚.鈥�
鈥淥h well, at least I tried.鈥�
Now here鈥檚 an exchange in the real and insane world鈥�
鈥淗ey, man! Your shoes are on fire!鈥�
鈥淵eah right! I know it鈥檚 April Fool鈥檚.鈥�
鈥淣o! I鈥檓 not kidding! Your shoes are actually on fire!鈥�
鈥淲ell, no, because I don鈥檛 feel any heat or smell any smoke, I鈥檓 looking at my shoes right now, there鈥檚 no fire and it鈥檚 April Fool鈥檚.鈥�
鈥淣o, I swear it鈥檚 not! You are a total jerk for not believing what I鈥檓 saying!鈥�
鈥淯gh鈥n no鈥y shoes are like totally on fire.鈥�
鈥淗ahahaha! April Fools! I got you good, you stupid idiot!!!鈥�
So, along with avoiding joking about a dire medical diagnosis and/or the apocalypse, a prankster should know to end the joke after the bluff has been called.
Sure, it鈥檚 easy to fool someone when they鈥檙e unaware it鈥檚 April 1, but when they do have their guard up鈥搊r if the prank is really good鈥搕hen it takes some convincing.
Now, if the person you鈥檙e trying to prank tells you they don鈥檛 believe you, by all means, keep on keeping on with it. However, you must stop when they reference April Fool鈥檚 Day.
Some examples include saying, 鈥淚 know what day it is鈥� or 鈥淚t鈥檚 April Fool鈥檚 Day鈥� or even if you had the bad luck of being named April, you have to stop when they say, 鈥淚 know you鈥檙e trying to fool me, April鈥�.
It鈥檚 like screaming 鈥淯ncle鈥� to get someone to stop torturing you, which is a disturbing concept unto itself.
With that, stay safe, stay strong, cover those mouths, wash those hands, stay six feet away from pretty much everything and join me next week where my Easter column will be right on schedule. I鈥檓 stockpiling jokes for it right now.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. He co-hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday. His book, 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� is available on Amazon.com.