According to Hofmann: Let鈥檚 celebrate with Ed the Easter Duck!
Well, folks, Easter is coming up鈥ell, today! Surprise!
I have to admit that Easter isn鈥檛 my favorite holiday 鈥� doesn鈥檛 even make the top five. In fact, it barely beat out Arbor Day.
It鈥檚 a shame that, as one of the top two Christian holidays, Easter isn鈥檛 as wildly as popular as it should be.
I don鈥檛 see why not, especially for kids, if you compare it to Christmas traditions. A mythical entity breaks into your house and gives you gifts and candy, there鈥檚 a church service or two and a dinner. And, with Easter, a scavenger hunt is thrown into the mix.
However, there are plenty of reasons why Easter hasn鈥檛 reached the popularity of Christmas, Thanksgiving, Chanukah or even Arbor Day.
The first could be the fact that it doesn鈥檛 have a set date, so nobody knows when it鈥檚 going to happen鈥ntil it鈥檚 too late! All we know for sure is that it鈥檚 on a Sunday in the spring, so there鈥檚 like a 1 out of 13 chance of correctly guessing when it will happen.
Another reason is because there鈥檚 really no big buildup to Easter in the terms of the closest thing to an 鈥淓aster Eve鈥� is Good Friday, and you have to wait a whole day in between for the main event to happen. Like, there鈥檚 Good Friday, Sit Around And Wait Saturday and Easter Sunday.
So who or what is really to blame for Easter being treated like the third wheel of a jalopy driven by a red-headed stepchild? In this case, we have to blame the mascot, the Easter Bunny.
For starters, if it weren鈥檛 for social media in the past few years, I wouldn鈥檛 have noticed all the postings of creepy, vintage Easter Bunny photos.
Yes, back in the day, people just couldn鈥檛 get the Easter Bunny mask quite right; at best, it looked like a serial killer removed the skin from the face of one his victims and sewed bunny ears on it; at worst, it looked like a serial killer removed the skin from the face of one his victims and sewed bunny ears on it, but did a shoddy job of it.
Sure, the evidence seems creepy to us now, but present-day people make the mistake of believing that people back then weren鈥檛 freaked out by what they saw.
The following is text from a recording of an Easter egg hunt at a church in 1953 where one of these ghoulish things made an appearance during a sing-along being led by the church pastor.
鈥淗ere comes Peter Cottontail, hopping down the bunny tr鈥� Oh damn my sight! What the [CENSORED] is that monstrous thing? Run, children! Run back to your homes and take up arms against this evil man-bunny race!鈥�
So the seed has been planted in that regard, but keep in mind what also makes those Easter Bunnies and the current Easter Bunnies disturbing is the fact that they don鈥檛 talk.
No wonder kids are freaking out. You place them on a huge, creepy-looking mute bunny that just stares at them. They can have a brief, yet meaningful conversation with Santa Claus and even when Halloween comes around, the witches and the axe murderers at haunted attractions are verbally threatening to dismember you and feed you to rats, but it鈥檚 not as awkward as sitting on Harvey鈥檚 lap without Jimmy Stewart there to translate what the beast is saying.
At this point in my columns, I normally give advice on how to cure the problem, but I think everything is too far gone to be fixed.
Sure, Easter Bunny costumes have come a long way and are a way less horrifying sight than in the past, but the thing still can鈥檛 talk because if it did, it would freak your kids out. There鈥檚 no voice I can imagine coming out of a bunny head that wouldn鈥檛 make the 7-year-old me recoil like a vampire in sunlight.
In hindsight, they should have made the Easter Bunny a duck. I鈥檓 sure it would have been a challenge to get a duck costume right in the 1930s, but the voice would have easily overcompensated for that, and I never heard a made-up duck voice that caused terror in the hearts of children. You don鈥檛 even need a voice, just have whomever is in the costume quack.
Or, you know, avoid the bunny altogether and go to church because you鈥檒l actually learn something about Easter, it鈥檚 good for your soul and it will make you realize that Arbor Day is a total sham.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. He co-hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday. His book, 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� is available on Amazon.com.