According to Hofmann: Sage against the machine
I didn鈥檛 want to write yet another column about my ongoing belief that computers are going to take us over like I learned from movies like 鈥淭he Terminator鈥�, 鈥淭he Matrix鈥� and 鈥淭hrow Momma From the Train鈥�, but please keep in mind that the machines were the ones forcing my hand (well, both hands since I type) to write about just that.
Their latest attempt is to take away our thoughts.
Okay, maybe I presented my conclusion too soon, so let me reel that back before the nice young men in their clean, white coats come to take me away.
I guess it all started with the auto-correct feature that exists on various word processor programs, search engines and cellphones.
You start typing a word or even a sentence, and the computer tries to figure out what word you鈥檙e typing like it鈥檚 a constant guessing game that only the computer is playing.
鈥淚鈥檇 love to try some of your a[arsenic?] ap[apes?] app[appendages?] appl[appliances?] apple[apples? It鈥檚 apples. We knew it all along!].鈥�
Like most people who are lazy, I welcomed the computer-generated suggestions as it kept me from extra typing, saving me time to reflect on what I wrote and even more time to realize what I wrote makes me sound even more like a drooling dunce.
However, I then noticed my email starting to act fun[funky, right?] 鈥� no! 鈥� funny.
It seems email programs are adding new help features every other week, starting with suggested replies at the push of a button.
If you don鈥檛 know what I mean, the next time you reply to an email or a text message, you鈥檒l see there may be a few choices displayed around where your text is to appear. If you click on one of the choices, that will be your answer, saving you from typing it.
The problem I found with that is whenever someone who knows me sends me a message, they鈥檙e not expecting me to respond with the generic, lame answers the program provides. Normally, I reply with a snarky comment or a statement of self-flattery. I know, right? That鈥檚 surprisingly humble of me.
For example, if someone texts me a dirty joke, chances are I鈥檓 not going to reply with 鈥淟OL鈥� or 鈥淚 enjoy your humorous anecdote鈥� or 鈥淢y sympathies to the nun who walks into a bar鈥�.
It goes without saying there鈥檚 no good computer-generated option to fit one鈥檚 personality unless you are a cyborg, but it goes with saying that the computer鈥檚 provided replies can鈥檛 fit into 92% of conversations.
To better illustrate, I conducted an experiment where I sent messages to myself and tried to answer with all the answers provided.
MARK ONE: 鈥淐an you sit on a cactus for me, please?鈥�
MARK TWO: 鈥淥f Course! You bet! What kind?鈥�
MARK ONE: 鈥淟et鈥檚 go with the Jumping Cholla cactus The barbs are hollow and when they make contact with the moisture of someone鈥檚 skin, they actually curve and lock into place underneath the top layer of epidermis. It鈥檚 really painful.鈥�
MARK TWO: 鈥淪ounds good. Sounds good to me. Perfect!鈥�
MARK ONE: 鈥淪o, how did it feel sitting on that cactus?鈥�
MARK TWO: 鈥淧retty good. It was fine. Not bad.鈥�
It says in the Bible that laziness brings on a deep sleep鈥nless you have curved cactus barbs in your rump because you were too lazy to type a negative response to your psychotic friend.
The whole thing even jumped to social media where, the other day, I was responding to a post informing me that 鈥渕ean people suck鈥� with an emoji of a devil face sticking out its tongue because I happen to be mean and take delight in mocking such posts.
However, when I went to reply, a row of emoji faces popped up and what did I see? A hand expressing thumbs up, balloon letters spelling out 鈥淵ou Go, Girl!鈥�, a frowny face, a crying face and a unicorn farting a rainbow.
The computers didn鈥檛 even give us time to get comfortable with them telling us how to speak and think and moved on to tell us how to feel!
That鈥檚 why we have to fight these software programs with sarcastic cleverness at every turn and not settle for their easy answers as our thoughts and our feelings are at stake!
If we don鈥檛, then we will regret no[nothing, because I鈥檓 just kidding. LOL! Thank you! Sounds great! Have a nice day! You, too!]
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One鈥nd Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com. He co-hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday.