According to Hofmann: Take it sneezy
Maybe it鈥檚 the pandemic, but lately, I鈥檝e really taken notice how people sneeze鈥nd then writing down their name, license plate number and if they sneezed in their sleeve or in their hands. I send those findings to the CDC鈥aybe the FBI depending how they wiped their nose following the sneeze.
If they don鈥檛 cover their mouth at all when they sneeze, I call the police and a Hazmat team ASAP.
From my recent experience of observing different sneezes, I鈥檇 like to say that every individual sneeze is unique and different like a snowflake or a fingerprint, but that鈥檚 not the case.
If that were true, then police shows would have officers asking witnesses to reenact a suspect鈥檚 sneeze, and Christmas songs would have lyrics like, 鈥淚n the meadow, we will sneeze on a snowman. And pretend he鈥檚 infected with COVID and SARS鈥︹��.
Okay. Probably not, but you get the point鈥r I hope you do because I have to admit I鈥檓 pretty lost myself right now.
Anyway, all I have to go on with different types of sneezes are the ones from those closest to me鈥ix feet away, of course.
My wife, Amber, sneezes in the most confusing and terrifying way as it sounds like she鈥檚 yelling 鈥淗ey!鈥� while fighting off demonic possession.
I can鈥檛 count the number of times I should have said 鈥渂less you鈥�, but instead answered with, 鈥淲hat did I do now?!鈥�
My stepdaughter, Emma, has an incomplete sneeze. By that, I mean she only goes 鈥渃hoo!,鈥� and her sneeze is even more nasal like she didn鈥檛 even gather enough breath to put the 鈥渁鈥� in 鈥渁choo鈥�. Her sneeze is more like 鈥渃hwph!鈥�
Mine, on the other hand鈥搉ot literally on my hand, of course鈥搃s old school.
I issue the classic sneeze of 鈥淎CHOOOO!鈥� almost as well-defined like you鈥檙e reading it in a comic book.
However, a sneeze is like the weather and like the urge to streak at an outdoor wedding; you can鈥檛 always control it.
So, while fighting against the nearly-unstoppable force of sneezing, I often get strange results when one inevitably bursts out like 鈥淎aaahoo!鈥� or 鈥淣eh-choo!鈥� or 鈥淎chaaaw!鈥�
I also really try to put a theatrical spin in the classic sneeze buildup.
鈥淎aaah鈥aaah,鈥� some people start and brace themselves for the violent reaction, sometimes going as far as sticking a finger under their nose, followed by the perfectly timed 鈥渁choo!鈥�
Not me, I hunch over and make no sound except the flow of air entering into my lungs, preparing for the upcoming explosion of disgusting filth, which is normally discharged into a tissue and then examined by myself immediately after like evidence at a crime scene.
What makes it worse for those around me is the fact I have to give a play-by-play analysis and commentary on the sneeze.
鈥淥h, man,鈥� or 鈥淲oooo!鈥� are my regular openings following the sneeze and when I鈥檓 able to regain my balance. 鈥淭hat rocked my internal organs鈥t was like I gave myself a spinal tap鈥 think my gallbladder made an escape through my left nostril鈥id I just time travel?鈥�
My mom does a thing where she announces she鈥檚 going to sneeze and holds her arms out in front of her like she鈥檚 going to play the piano. She then reminds us she鈥檚 going to sneeze several times while keeping her arms out.
鈥淚鈥檓 going to sneeze, I鈥檓 going to sneeze, I鈥檓 pretty sure I鈥檓 going to sneeze鈥�,鈥� she says.
At that point, there鈥檚 a 50/50 chance she鈥檒l either sneeze with an 鈥渆hcoow鈥� as her shoulders seize together, and she鈥檚 paralyzed for a moment before she can fully recover or it鈥檚 a false alarm.
Waiting for either to happen matches the anticipation of someone walking through an abandoned house in a horror movie before they鈥檙e chopped up by the killer.
An ex-girlfriend of mine also used to pause whatever she was doing when she felt a sneeze coming along, but would bring both hands up to her face to cover her nose in between her fingers, appearing as though she was deep in prayer.
She then would take a deep breath, her face contorting and her internal organs apparently rupturing with her body taking the brunt of the otherwise contained explosion.
Following that was the brief, yet high pitch and tone of 鈥渃eoo!鈥� into her hands. The sneeze was so short, she couldn鈥檛 even fit an 鈥渁鈥� or an 鈥渉鈥� in it!
We broke up soon afterwards because she got all offended that, even back then, I documented people鈥檚 sneezing habits and reported it to governmental health officials.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One鈥nd Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com. He co-hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday.