According to Hofmann: It’s snow good at all
At which point of our history and evolution did we humans decide that snow was a thing of beauty?
I鈥檓 far from being a historian unless you count my recollection of medical history of unsuccessful do-it-yourself British dental procedures, but I believe somewhere along the line of history from us chasing down mammoths (for meals or pets or both) and plopping a burrito in a microwave (for meals or pets or both), we decided that snow was something to cherish through paintings, songs and water-filled glass globes.
I bet the first person to say that snow was beautiful was probably executed for being a witch worshiping the white frozen death that was unleashed upon the land.
You鈥檝e never seen anyone on the show 鈥淕ame of Thrones鈥� hesitate before lopping off someone鈥檚 head to look out on the horizon at the coming winter and say, 鈥淗ave you ever seen a snowflake up close? It鈥檚 magnificent鈥ow die!鈥�
No, on that show, they hammer the point that winter is coming, and winter is going to mess you up something bad, as it should be.
On a side note, have you ever noticed on 鈥淕ame of Thrones鈥� they keep saying 鈥渨inter is coming鈥� over and over again, but they never really do anything about it? I just think that鈥檚 strange. Milk, bread and toilet paper, people. Seriously.
Anyway, back to the column鈥�
Even in modern, non-fictional times, when the snow begins to fall, you hear people say extreme things about snow.
One observation/comment about snow is, 鈥淥h, how I love watching the snow blanket the land, like Mother Nature is giving us a new clean start.鈥�
The other extreme would be a comment like, 鈥淢y car slid into a [EXPLICIT] guard rail, and then I got out of the car and stepped in a puddle of [EXPLICIT] slush. [EXPLICIT] snow! [EXPLICIT]! [EXPLICIT]!鈥�
Yes, it鈥檚 difficult to be on both sides of that coin as you turn off the weather forecast in the middle of February, slowly turn to your family and say, 鈥淭he snowfall has started. Slaughter the livestock, ration the toilet paper and prepare for death, but not before we make snow-angels in the backyard.鈥�
While I鈥檓 not sure exactly when this admiration of snow occurred in history, I want you to remember when I wrote earlier of the murderous reaction to the first person to comment on the beauty of snow. Well, I should have clarified that the person was an adult because appreciation of snow in the face of danger and/or extreme inconvenience clearly came from children.
That鈥檚 right. Extensive cave drawings have told the tale of a caveman carving up the saber-tooth pet for dinner while his little savage was sneaking out of the cave to slide down the hillside on a giant sloth hide.
That was the first documented uttering of the word 鈥淲eeeee!鈥� It was also the first documented case of mental illness of which the cure back then was the family eating the child the next day.
Learning that nugget of information is not surprising as children are infamous for trying to lick things they shouldn鈥檛 lick, sticking their fingers into things they shouldn鈥檛 stick and eating things they shouldn鈥檛 eat 鈥� and by 鈥渢hings,鈥� I mean electrical outlets.
So it was of little surprise that my stepdaughter, Emma, has on occasion said some horrific things that sound great to her like, 鈥淚 wish we get a thousand-billion inches of snow, and our house is covered up, and I don鈥檛 have to go to school forever, and we stay home forever!鈥�
鈥淓mma, that鈥檚 an insane wish! Shame on you! Have you ever seen 鈥楾he Shining鈥�? If you haven鈥檛, then I鈥檒l make you watch it, and I don鈥檛 even care that you鈥檙e only six years old, you need to learn about cabin fever鈥nd stop trying to lick that outlet!鈥�
Then she conceded that she would accept just a thousand of inches of snow, which I thought was very generous of her.
But you can鈥檛 really blame kids because first, we were all kids once except for me as I came out of my mother looking like this, and second, kids like Emma are enchanted by snow as it opens up different activities, it closes school, they don鈥檛 have to drive in it, they never even heard of winter maintenance, the smaller kids don鈥檛 have to shovel it, and it also fuels their imaginations like Emma and her wishes of snowmageddon.
Of course, I鈥檓 also not ruling out that Emma may be a witch.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. He co-hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday. His book, 鈥漇tupid Brain,鈥� is available on Amazon.com.