According to Hofmann: I hos-pity the fool
For me, there is no more surreal place than a hospital emergency room waiting room. It鈥檚 a place where you believe you need emergency medical assistance, yet you can still watch television on office furniture in a room filled with sick strangers.
Even saying 鈥渆mergency room waiting room鈥� sounds like a contradiction. Maybe that鈥檚 why hospitals decided to change the names from 鈥渆mergency rooms鈥� to 鈥渆mergency departments鈥� because changing ER to ED eliminates some confusion unless you think the ED is for an erectile dysfunction support group and made an embarrassing trip to the hospital for nothing.
Anyway, my earliest and fondest and most magicalest memory of going to the ER was when I was a kid 鈥� maybe 10 years old or so 鈥� when my brother and I thought it was a good idea to play king of the hill on our cousins鈥� bunk beds.
What could go wrong?
So, what went wrong involved me making a heroic rise to the top bunk to dethrone my brother.
Almost reaching the top, my sociopathic sibling struck me down, which made me fall off the bed, striking my head on the corner of a nearby radiator.
Like all kids do when an injury occurs, my brother and cousins ran away to avoid blame and punishment.
However, my blood-curdling screams brought my mother in the room to see my gaping head wound when she immediately said, 鈥淓www gross鈥un away!鈥�
Things got a little fuzzy from that point, which happens when such an injury is involved, but I remember my father driving my mother and me to a hospital where we sat in the emergency room waiting room, and I specifically remember watching 鈥淭he Golden Girls鈥� on the waiting room鈥檚 television.
I tell that story for two reasons: One, readers of this column finally get the answer to their age-old question, 鈥淲hy is this guy like this?鈥�
The answer, obviously, is a minor head wound and oxygen deprivation from laughing at 鈥淭he Golden Girls鈥� on the same night.
Two, emergency room waiting rooms haven鈥檛 changed much in 30 years.
Sure, the d茅cor and procedures have been updated, but on the sociological aspect and general desolation, nothing has changed鈥specially the boredom.
You can read the magazines scattered on different tables and whatnot, but those are a letdown because they鈥檙e either too old to be relevant or based on an obscure subject with titles like 鈥淔ish Noodling Monthly,鈥� 鈥淐rochet Weekly鈥� or 鈥淧eople.鈥�
Some ER waiting rooms even have novels available to read, which is both a nice pleasantry and a little disheartening.
鈥溾�榃ar and Peace鈥�?! How long do they expect me to wait out here? It takes me three weeks to read a magazine article unless it鈥檚 from 鈥楩ish Noodling Monthly.'鈥�
The titles of the books don鈥檛 help either.
There鈥檚 nothing like going down a line of books and seeing such classics like 鈥淟es Miserables鈥� (you sure got that right) 鈥淎s I Lay Dying鈥� (I haven鈥檛 even been seated yet) and last, but not least, 鈥淭he Five People You Meet in Heaven鈥� (sorry, but before I meet those people, I鈥檇 like to meet a doctor first).
A good distraction is playing the game everyone plays when in the emergency room waiting room even if they don鈥檛 know they鈥檙e playing it: What鈥檚 Wrong With That Person?
The name of the game says it all, but with any game, it鈥檚 good to have a point system.
You receive 5 points if you correctly guess which person in a group is the patient; you get 10 points if you can correctly give the best educated guess on what brought them to the ER.
Sometimes your guess is validated when a nurse comes out from the ER to the waiting room and disregards HIPAA laws and says something like, 鈥淥kay, Mr. Williams, let鈥檚 get that severed leg looked at.鈥�
Or you may casually overhear a patient in triage screaming, 鈥淚 swallowed my car keys!鈥�
Yeah, I know it鈥檚 a sick game (literally and figuratively) and can make an already depressive setting morph into a black hole of despair, but what else are you supposed to do there? Sure, people are playing on their cell phones, but they鈥檙e actually texting people stuff like, 鈥渟ome guy swallowed his car keys! LOL 15 points!!!鈥�
What I鈥檓 trying to say is if you want a pleasant memory of going to the ER, you better be ready to play ball or hope 鈥淭he Golden Girls鈥� are having reruns on the waiting-room TV.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. He co-hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday. His book, 鈥漇tupid Brain,鈥� is available on Amazon.com.