According to Hofmann: Healthcare questions…and questions…and questions
I used to think 鈥� like a week ago 鈥� that hanging out in the ER waiting room was a worthy adventure, but there鈥檚 a whole other world of adventures, misadventures and side quests through the waiting-room doors and into the wonderful world of health care!
Even though I had my share of ER visits for various mistakes in my life (playing King of the Hill on bunk beds, deciding to ride a bicycle down a bumpy hill without a seat, eating an entire tub of shortening, etc.), many of my journeys to the ER were for the people in my life. Most recently, I had a trip to an emergency room with my mother, who had the flu.
The first thing I notice whenever someone gets admitted into the hospital is they have to answer questions鈥ike a lot of questions鈥ike a lot of the same questions over and over again.
I think I鈥檓 at the point now where I can anticipate the series of questions before they happen like I鈥檓 the Amazing Kreskin of patient advocacy.
鈥淏efore you ask, no, my mother does not indulge in any vice like smoking, drinking, drug abuse or poodle juggling. Now, let鈥檚 move on to the questions about past illnesses, surgeries, allergies and urban gang affiliations.鈥�
When you鈥檙e in any given room in the hospital, someone comes in wheeling a cart with a laptop attached. That person asks questions, puts your answers in the laptop, says 鈥渙kay, thank you鈥� and leaves; then someone else comes in with a laptop and asks pretty much the same questions, puts the answers in the laptop, says 鈥渙kay, thank you鈥� and leaves; then someone else comes in with a clipboard or an electronic tablet, asks some of the questions that were previously asked, says what they can do and then asks more questions.
At that point, I start thinking about technology and how everything is connected and computers talk to each other and build friendships and love connections, and then I start to wonder if that exists in the medical field because while information is put in a laptop, it seems like it鈥檚 not shared with any other laptops in the entire hospital.
It鈥檚 like the hospital staff logs the information in the laptop, walks out of the room and promptly deletes all the information and swallows a handful of benzodiazepines to wipe their memory in case they鈥檙e captured by a rival hospital.
As you can tell, I only listed those people as 鈥渉ospital staff鈥� because I have no idea what the hospital hierarchy is anymore.
I thought it was simply orderlies, nurses and doctors, but now the titles have branched off and mutated into multiple positions, and they exist only to ask you questions.
There鈥檚 medical assistants, certified medical assistants, nursing assistants, registered nurses, nurse practitioners, physicians, physicians assistants, technicians, health aides, phlebotomists, specialists, not-so-specialists, surgeons, anesthesiologist, paraninjaologists and more I鈥檓 sure that I haven鈥檛 met yet.
They come into the hospital room, introduce themselves with their mouth-full title and then start to ask questions, but the only question I ever have for them is, 鈥淪o鈥re you the nurse or the doctor?鈥�
So while everything else was the same-old, same-old, the only thing new to me when my mother was in the hospital was the requirement to wear a mask to prevent the spread of the flu.
I, however, refused the mask as I proudly declared that I had my flu shot this year.
鈥淥h, that hasn鈥檛 been really effective this year,鈥� one certified assistant nurse technician told me as she smothered my face with a mask and pillow.
For months prior, I had been hearing about how important the flu shot was, my social media was being bombarded by flu-shot ads, pharmacist technicians were asking if I had my flu shot, my priest spoke of not having your flu shot being the eighth deadly sin, and I was even chased by strangers down the street wielding a syringe loaded with the flu vaccine.
It figures that after I finally broke down and decided to get the flu shot while waiting in the drive thru at McDonald鈥檚 because a flu shot was included in a Happy Meal order, I鈥檓 told it鈥檚 not that effective.
So, with that said, it鈥檚 fair to say I鈥檒l be heading back to the hospital for a visit soon, but I鈥檒l be prepared with an updated list of medications, recall when and what my past surgeries were and try not to lie to the certified paraninjaologists technician about my vice of poodle juggling.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. He co-hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday. His book, 鈥漇tupid Brain,鈥� is available on Amazon.com.