According to Hofmann: Totaled Recall
I was once told that communication is important in a marriage. Of course, I think it was my wife who said that 鈥� I鈥檓 not really sure; I was half paying attention.
Normally when she talks, I hear her muffled voice coming from miles away as I鈥檓 normally thinking about beer and what other possible advances could exist in streaming entertainment. I mean, we can watch feature-length movies and television on our phones. Where else can it go from there?
Anyway, back on track, my wife will be the first person to tell you that I鈥檓 not big on communication鈥he would also be the last person to tell you and would even give you some reminders in between those other times, too.
But with all of our communication arguments, the one that irritates me the most is when she asks me to tell her about conversations I鈥檝e had.
Maybe I鈥檓 crazy, but a normal exchange between a couple on a subject goes something like this鈥�
鈥淲hat were you talking about with George?鈥�
鈥淭hrowing rocks over a bridge.鈥�
鈥淥kay, Mark Hofmann, you handsome slab of man!鈥�
My wife, on the other hand, wants to know details like there鈥檚 a transcript that I鈥檝e been hiding from her.
The following is everything she would ask about a conversation I had鈥�
鈥淲hat were you and George talking about?鈥hat did George say?鈥hat did you say?鈥hat did George say after that?鈥hat was his tone when he said it?鈥ere there any hand gestures involved?鈥hat else did you two talk about?鈥othing?鈥or 20 minutes, you just talked about throwing rocks over a bridge?鈥hat鈥檚 wrong with you?鈥�
To be fair, my side of that conversation pretty much goes like this鈥�
鈥淚 don鈥檛 know鈥 can鈥檛 remember鈥 don鈥檛 know鈥 don鈥檛 recall鈥xcited, I think鈥揑 don鈥檛 know his tone鈥here may have been a middle finger, but I can鈥檛 remember the context鈥hat鈥檚 all we talked about鈥 don鈥檛 know.鈥�
Then she becomes angry at me when I can鈥檛 remember what both parties said verbatim 鈥� no matter how mundane the conversation was.
However, I should try a little harder to remember important facts to relay back to my wife like, for example, my last trip to the doctor when he told me how long I have to live, but I don鈥檛 want to be taken out of a conversation due to meticulous note taking on my part.
鈥淲ait! Slow down, George. Now, how big were the rocks, how many rocks did you throw and how would you describe your tone right now? I was going to say childishly solem, but I want to accurately relay this moment.鈥�
The other problem is that I鈥檓 a reporter who has to take notes for his job, so I can鈥檛 have a pleasant conversation with George about teasing wildlife with peanut-butter-smeared tennis balls without feeling like I鈥檓 on the clock.
That all being said, I鈥檓 always trying to become a better person, a more compassionate person and a more upstanding human being no matter how many people I have to kill to make that happen, so there has to be a solution.
Well, it turns out there is no good solution, so I would have to opt for the not-so-good solution and that鈥檚 for my wife to pay me to take notes on every conversation I have.
I figure that if I have to act like I鈥檓 doing my job, I might as well get paid to do so.
To be clear, it鈥檚 not like I鈥檓 going to make a fortune off this venture as my fee of $785 a month will go toward supplies like pens, notebooks, a voice recorder, batteries, a body camera and a sassy part-time secretary.
Of course, no matter how accurate my note-taking efforts may be, there鈥檚 always that off-chance that my wife may still not get the entire story.
鈥淢ark, what were you and my brother talking about? I overheard something about your bachelor party.鈥�
鈥淣o comment, no comment, off the record, deny, deny, no comment, off the record and speak to my attorney 鈥� just leave me alone so I can go back to thinking about beer and Netflix.鈥�
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. He hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday. His book, 鈥漇tupid Brain,鈥� is available on Amazon.com.