According to Hofmann: A history of names
A few years ago, some guy named William Shakespeare wrote, 鈥淲hat鈥檚 in a name?鈥� Well, letters, of course, but I imagine his thinking was more deep than that, like the meaning of a name.
For example, in the research I just totally made up for this column, the surname of Shakespeare came from caveman days where his ancestors would actually shake spears at the neighborhood neanderthals in an effort to keep them and their pet mastodons off their cave lawns.
Shakespeare鈥檚 ancestors then used those same spears to carve sonnets on the cave walls.
One sonnet, I believe, was translated by archaeologists to this:
鈥淯gg pretty
Pretty is Ugg
For good time,
Yell Ugg!鈥�
Yes, Shakespeare鈥檚 ancestor鈥檚 style was crude and unrefined, but even then, the writing style was considered to be elite, which was why there鈥檚 an 鈥渆鈥� on the end of Shakespeare鈥檚 family鈥檚 name.
My research has shown that to make anything appear more classy, always put an 鈥渆鈥� at the end. For example, nobody would go near a 鈥渢urd,鈥� but asked if they would like to step into a 鈥渢urde,鈥� it almost sounds like a European concept car or something at a day spa to help reinvigorate your aura.
If you don鈥檛 believe me, the Shakespears without the 鈥渆鈥� that lived in 16th century England were widely considered to be white-trash rat shepherds.
Anyway, back to the names.
Along with surnames earned from people鈥檚 actions, they also earned names from their occupations.
So, it鈥檚 obvious that the name Carpenter comes from those who worked on houses, the name Cook was from someone who liked to bake, the name Baker was from someone who liked to cook, Potter was from a wizard named Harry and Van Damme was someone who cursed minivans, but they did it with style, hence the 鈥渆鈥� at the end of the name.
If you ever run into a name that would give you some confusion on its origin or meaning, just look to see if the name ends in 鈥渆r鈥� and that will help you better identify the occupation on which it was based.
For example, the name Fisher was from someone who fished, Brewer was someone who brewed, Winer came from someone who complained a lot, Skinner was the local serial killer and Hooper came from those who made hoops for barrels or those who were really good at basketball.
Man, teaching is fun. Just ask my favorite teacher, whose name was Mrs. Teacher.
Other times, a name鈥檚 origin comes from a saying or a phrase like Goodspeed, which comes from God Speed, which means good journey; Farraday, meaning to have a fair day; the well-known name of Hasselhoff is German for 鈥済iving a hard time to those named Hoff鈥� and my last name of Hofmann is a shortened version translated from 鈥淒on鈥檛 Hassle the Hoff, Mann.鈥� The extra 鈥渘鈥� on the end means dominance, prestige or a short attention span or something else 鈥� I don鈥檛 know 鈥� let鈥檚 move on.
Names can also come from a description of people like the name Black for someone who had black hair, the name Snow for someone who had white hair or even a pale complexion, Bald for someone who was hair follicle impaired and the surname Buttface, which was considered a name of someone who was handsome back in the 14th century 鈥� those were odd, desperate times.
Now, with all of that being said, I鈥檓 kind of surprised that, with the knowledge of the history of names along with today鈥檚 parents obsessed with giving odd and different names to their kids, we haven鈥檛 seen many new last names recently emerge.
So, before some airhead celebrities take a shot at it, I鈥檒l try to get the trend started with the last name of Apper, for an app developer for smart phones; the name Marecha for a market research data miner; Ittecher for an IT technician and updating the last name of Pierce to Piercer for those who enjoy receiving and showing off piercings.
You see, the sky is truly the limit with the possibilities of new surnames that can spawn from professions like the name Baristaer if one is good an preparing cafe drinks, a name from a popular saying like OMG (Ohmagawd, if you want to be proper about it or in the presence of royalty) or even a physical description like the one people use for me, Sasquatche.
As you can see, I put an 鈥渆鈥� on the end of it. I鈥檓 not a savage.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. He co-hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday. His book, 鈥漇tupid Brain,鈥� is available on Amazon.com.