According to Hofmann: Emails from the edge
Even though I鈥檝e been doing this 鈥渨riting thing鈥� for a while, I still get tickled to death鈥nd then tickled back to life when I receive fan mail.
It鈥檚 a great feeling when I open my inbox to see emails with subject lines that read 鈥淔unny column!鈥� or 鈥淚 hate prescription drug commercials, too!鈥� or 鈥淵ou touched me鈥n a good, non-physical way!鈥�
On the flip side, there are the not-as-kind emails with subject lines that read, 鈥淒id you think that was funny?鈥� or 鈥淵ou miserable son of a鈥︹�� or 鈥淵ou touched me鈥nd not in a good way!鈥�
Finally, there are the emails that are basically elaborate ads that try to trick me into believing that I鈥檝e been contacted by a real person rather than just a computer program that scans the internet for certain words and then places those certain words in blank spaces in what only can be described as a pre-written sales pitch.
Some subtle clues that you鈥檙e being contacted by a computer can be seen in the subject lines like, 鈥淗ello, Mark Hofmann, if you enjoy writing about adult bed wetting, then we have a resource for you!鈥� or 鈥淗ey mhofmann@heraldstandard.com! It鈥檚 been a white since we talked!鈥� or 鈥淗i, Mark, we hope to tell you@(!&#%5E#MAINFRAME BREACH鈥RROR MESSAGE 395鈥ELF DESTRUCT SEQUENCE INITIATED!鈥�
Now, I see such emails all the time in my day-to-day work as a reporter, but, for the first time, I received one for this humor column鈥nd it was one of the funniest emails I鈥檝e ever received.
First, before I share the contents of the email, I feel I must change one thing, which is the key word that caused the computer to send the email鈥搈ainly because it鈥檚 linked to a serious health issue that I won鈥檛 trivialize and because I don鈥檛 want the computer contacting me again as I鈥檓 in no mood to become a pen pal to an AI program again. I had had a bad experience IBM Watson.
So, let鈥檚 say the keyword is 鈥済oiter鈥� because it鈥檚 pretty non offensive, it鈥檚 funny to say and 鈥� surprise, surprise 鈥� I鈥檝e written about it before in a column titled 鈥淎ccording to Hofmann: Embarrassment is a family tradition鈥�.
Keep in mind, the word 鈥済oiter鈥� was only mentioned once in the column and had little or no relevance to the rest of the column.
鈥淗i Mark,
鈥淚 loved reading through your article 鈥楢ccording to Hofmann: Embarrassment is a family tradition.鈥� Your personal touch to the story was very touching, especially when explaining your perspective on the Embarrassment and everything going on around it. Thank you for the piece and great read.
鈥淚 want to offer myself and my team as a resource to you. We specialize in goiter, Embarrassment and relevant medical updates in this space. We can provide research, statistics, quotes and any relevant information or updates relating to goiters and its Embarrassment.鈥�
Then the letter ended with the normal closings on why I need to have them as my go-to goiter experts, which is a weapon any journalist would want to have in their arsenal.
I feel I have to take it upon myself to help other reporters avoid such an attack because one day you have a goiter contact, and the next day, you have an overactive-bladder contact and soon you鈥檙e known as the medical-oddity reporter and, therefore, banned from placing your lunch in the break-room refrigerator.
The best defense is a good offense that mirrors the offense that you鈥檙e defending, so you have to respond to them in the manner in which they contacted you.
鈥淗i dana@goiterpros.com,
鈥淚鈥檝e loved reading through your email 鈥楻e: According to Hofmann: Embarrassment is a family tradition.鈥� Your attempt to appear somewhat human was pleasing, especially when making one-word references to goiters that are out of context to the cited article.
鈥淚鈥檇 like to have you as a resource, but I won鈥檛 because I feel you鈥檙e not up to covering for me in my many alleged crimes against humanity. In fact, I doubt you would even give the authorities a convincing alibi. If prompted to do so, you鈥檇 probably present to them a pre-written statement where you鈥檇 fill in the blanks with my name, a location and a random activity from a Rolodex.
鈥淵ou鈥檇 probably say, 鈥榊es, PERSON OF AUTHORITY, I/we was/were in the company of MARK HOFMANN on 01/23/2020 7:47:05 PM EST. I/we was/were SKYDIVING with his COFFEE MAKER.'鈥�
鈥淣o thank you, goiter girl. No thank you.鈥�
And if that doesn鈥檛 work, just try something that always works for me.
鈥淗i dana@goiterpros.com, you touched me鈥nd not in a good way.鈥�
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. He co-hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday. His book, 鈥漇tupid Brain,鈥� is available on Amazon.com.