According to Hofmann: Mark v. The Made-up Makeup Monster
The constant battles I鈥檝e been fighting to prevent my 10-year-old stepdaughter from growing up too fast have taken on another adversary: makeup.
At first, the prospect of seeing Emma at the ages of 4, 6 and 8 attempting to put on makeup was adorable and often quite funny. She either looked like Pablo Picasso and Jackson Pollock had an art-battle throwdown all over her face, or like Tammy Faye Bakker applied makeup to her face after several glasses of chardonnay and offroading on the hood of a Jeep.
Of course, there鈥檙e no in-betweens because the results of both those images I just detailed look exactly alike.
However, now that Emma has reached the age of 10, her hand is steadier and her focus to look absolutely fabulous is now laser sharp.
Also, the idea of her going out of the house all鈥︹�漨ade up鈥� to the point where she鈥檚 鈥渁ttracting鈥� boys is 鈥渢errifying鈥� to me.
One day after we had an in-depth conversation about our favorite archaic flavors of Kool-Aid 鈥� she says Grape Tang, but I say nothing compares to Bunch Berry 鈥� she brought up the subject of makeup and how she plans to use various cosmetics, starting with lipstick.
鈥淵ou don鈥檛 want to use lipstick,鈥� I told Emma. 鈥淎nything that makes your lips stick together is just awful. Sure, your mother and I would appreciate the sweet, sweet silence from your back-talking, but we鈥檒l miss your voice鈥ventually.鈥�
鈥淣oooooo!鈥� she whined, making me wish I had lipstick for her. 鈥淚t鈥檚 to make your lips red, just like blush makes your cheeks red!鈥�
鈥淭hink about it, Emma,鈥� I said. 鈥淲hen people blush, they鈥檙e embarrassed about something. Why would you purposely do that to your face?鈥�
Then Emma launched into a great list of other types of cosmetics available on the market, and I was frightened by her knowledge of the arsenal of weapons from Est茅e Lauder to Revlon. I almost expected her to go into gory details of cosmetic surgeries like rhinoplasty and lip augmentation.
However, I was fully prepared to strike down everything she threw my way, and I鈥檝e included a list of makeup products she mentioned along with the argument I made against them.
This is for all those dads in similar situations. To them, I say: Stand strong, gentlemen, have a stiff upper lip and try to avoid eye contact鈥specially if her eyelashes are an age-defying emerald green.
Eyebrow Pencil: That is stupid. Why would you write notes on your eyebrows? You can鈥檛 see them and if you look at them in the mirror, the letters will probably show up backwards.
Mascara: Yes, that鈥檚 an acceptable makeup around Halloween because you wear a mask that can scare ya.
Eyelash Glue: You might as well use lipstick on your eyelids, so you can neither see nor talk.
Bronzer: Getting bronzed is totally insane. Did you ever see the James Bond movie 鈥淕oldfinger鈥�?
Concealer: Why would you wear makeup to cover your face? If it鈥檚 a concealer like a hijab that Muslim women wear around their faces in public, then maybe that鈥檚 a cosmetic choice I can support until Emma reaches her dating age, which is 35.
Makeup remover: I have no problem with this other than suggesting to skip the middleman and not even apply the makeup in the first place.
Foundation: What? Are we talking creams and powders or wood and concrete? If you aren鈥檛 specific you could end up with a face full of cement, so you might as well have bronzed yourself.
Finally, the whole concept of makeup itself isn鈥檛 real, and the reason why is in the name because somebody made it up.
That argument went on for about three hours and, when all was said and done, I felt like I had won even though I knew I lost.
Because, like all great debates, both sides left with some compromises being made.
Emma has agreed to drink Rock-A-Dile Red Kool-Aid to give her lips that scarlet hue of mystery that all women want to achieve, and I agreed to allow her to start wearing any kind of makeup she wants when she reaches dating age鈥n 25 years.
Heh, heh, heh鈥�
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. He co-hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday. His book, 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� is available on Amazon.com.