According to Hofmann: The touch, the feel…of Death!
Over the last week, I鈥檝e learned the art of shameless self-promotion as I released my second book, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One鈥nd Dying, Too,鈥� available exclusively on Amazon.com. I also didn鈥檛 have time to write a column for this week because I鈥檝e been busy learning the art of shameless self-promotion for my second book, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One鈥nd Dying, Too,鈥� available exclusively on Amazon.com. So, I found no better way to mask laziness with shameless self-promotion than making this week鈥檚 column a chapter from 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One鈥nd Dying, Too,鈥� available exclusively on Amazon.com. Portions of the chapter from 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One鈥nd Dying, Too,鈥� available exclusively on Amazon.com have been changed for context.
Sometimes your parents surprise you like when they make the decision to tell you what they had to do with each other to create you, which is a claim I have yet to believe.
One such surprise came after my mother informed me on how to find out what a dead body feels like. Why she decided to tell me something like that following my high-school graduation commencement is still a mystery, but it鈥檚 something I haven鈥檛 forgotten鈥o matter how hard I try.
To find out what the skin of a dead body feels like, you need a volunteer鈥揳nd, for God鈥檚 sake, don鈥檛 tell them what you need them for or they鈥檒l never want to see you, return your phone calls, reply to your text messages or refuse to lift the restraining order.
What you and this lucky person must do is face each other, press your hand against the other person鈥檚 hand, palm to palm, and rest your extended fingers against the other person鈥檚 fingers, almost looking like a tag-team prayer.
Then, with your other hand, run your finger over the side of the surface of both fingers so you鈥檙e feeling your finger and the other person鈥檚 finger at the same time.
Feeling the familiar sensation of your own hand mixed with the alien feeling of someone else鈥檚 flesh, according to my mother, is supposed to feel the same as running your finger over the skin of an actual dead person.
My mother鈥檚 technique was certainly less creepy than the alternative, but it still didn鈥檛 make me feel any better after I tried the experiment and was struck with a full-body shiver lasting for several minutes. Of course, during those tremors on the bathroom floor, my mind couldn鈥檛 help to question how the idea of mimicking what a dead person鈥檚 skin feels like came about.
One could only imagine every attempt ended with two people in an awkward stretch of silence while avoiding all eye contact.
Two possible scenarios popped into my mind, and I can鈥檛 get them out鈥o matter how hard I hold my breath until I lose consciousness.
The first scenario deals with a funeral director preparing a body for a viewing, and his hand brushes against the skin of the corpse.
鈥淗mmm鈥�,鈥� he says to himself and then gets his secretary on the intercom. 鈥淛an, please come down to the basement, and make sure to bring your hands. I have a kooky idea.鈥�
And in all the time leading up to the 鈥渒ooky idea,鈥� poor Jan was only afraid of being a victim of sexual harassment.
The second scenario involves a coroner, and he鈥檚 in bed with his wife or girlfriend or lady of the evening or a one-night stand or a chance encounter with his former babysitter that he had the hots for and finally sealed the deal because she always wanted to ride in a hearse due to some weird daddy issues.
Anyway, back on point, they just finished making sweet, sweet love, and they鈥檙e holding hands when the coroner caresses his free hand over their entangled hands.
鈥淗mmm鈥�,鈥� he says and then whispers in her ear. 鈥淢y dear, I鈥檝e touched many dead bodies in my day and being here with you now has given me a kooky idea.鈥�
Yes, I know there鈥檚 something wrong with me because I used the word 鈥渒ooky鈥� in both scenarios, but that鈥檚 the word on which I鈥檓 hung up at the moment.
Now, if you haven鈥檛 heard of this kooky thing before now, you鈥檙e going to be compelled to try it, much like when someone tells you it鈥檚 impossible to lick your own elbow or run for public office. So I want you to put your elbow down and pay attention to the advice I gave earlier about recruiting someone for this experiment.
Also, take heed of this suggestion as well: don鈥檛 use the word 鈥渒ooky鈥� at any time during the experiment. It might make things a bit awkward.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One鈥nd Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain鈥�, are available on Amazon.com. He co-hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday.