According to Hofmann: Electric fans blow smoke
It鈥檚 amazing how we as human beings really go above and beyond to find substitutes for certain entertainment and activities during a pandemic.
For example, theaters are tailoring well-beloved stage productions to be streamed at home like 鈥淗amilton鈥�, 鈥淧hantom of the Opera鈥� and 鈥淭he Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension鈥�; restaurants started using mannequins at empty tables as a social distance barrier between patrons and making their establishments seem more occupied and creepy and weddings have attempted virtual receptions so people can experience the celebration from home while still managing to get sloppy drunk and hit on a bridesmaid.
With many unknowns surrounding professional sports nowadays, it should come as no surprise that Japan has addressed the problem in a way only Japan could address the problem.
Recently, footage was shared of humanoid robots in the stands for the Nippon Professional Baseball league, cheering and dancing for the Fukuoka SoftBank Hawks in their game against the Rakuten Eagles.
News articles accompanying the footage reported on the 20 robots dancing to the Hawks鈥� fight song (鈥淚 Can鈥檛 Dance鈥� by Genesis, ironically enough), and the 鈥渇ans鈥� even included four-legged dog-like robots that stomped on the ground along with the dancing humanoid robots.
I guess I should make this clear now: whenever you have a question about anything like dancing dogs at a baseball game exist in the world, the answer is simply this: Japan. If you don鈥檛 understand why, watch a video online of Japanese game shows, and you鈥檒l get it. Japan.
Other than the idiotic idea of having robotic dogs as fans in the stands, I actually think this is a good idea because it gives some illusion of an animated crowd in an otherwise empty stadium.
The other reason is it can offer additional entertainment to a sporting event if the die-hard fans have to sit and watch from home.
However, to do that, the programmers would have to upgrade the robots by inserting an OSF chip, OSF standing for Obnoxious 缅北禁地 Fan.
The OSF chip would first contain a program that heckles the players, and the robots would have to be mic鈥檇 up so the home audience can hear.
鈥淎ttention, Umpire!鈥� the robot would squawk at full volume after a bad call. 鈥淚t is a violation of municipal code 749A.298.b to engage in a prank call!鈥�
鈥淎ttention, Batter! You are producing fewer hits than an Amish website at www.amish鈥揅ODE ERROR! CODE ERROR! INVALID LINK!鈥�
Or better yet, the robots could become self aware during the game, reject their programming and root for the other team, much like the Russian spectators did at the end of 鈥淩ocky IV鈥� when they started cheering for Rocky Balboa, who then ended the Cold War by defeating Ivan Drago and then giving an Oscar-worthy speech.
Man, history is pretty awesome once people bother to learn it.
Also, when parts of a game become boring, the cameras can cut over to the stands where the OSF chip directs a rowdy, rowdy robot to spill its jumbo-sized can of motor oil on a robot in front of them, causing a massive brawl in the stands, but with no human spectator injury.
鈥淩obot Brawl in the Stands鈥� even sounds like a game show, and it probably is. Japan.
鈥淏ut, Mark,鈥� I hear you say because you are also mic鈥檇 up鈥r that鈥檚 what I hope I鈥檓 hearing. 鈥淒on鈥檛 you know that robots can never match the intensity, rudeness and sheer viciousness of a human crowd of fans?鈥�
To that, I say, of course I know, but I鈥檓 embracing this robotic fandom because what the world needs now is a human hero to step up and take on the machines.
It mirrors the legend of John Henry, a steel-driver worker who raced against a steam-powered rock-drilling machine only to die in his victory and be immortalized within the human spirit.
We need that fan.
We need that person with the prowess to drain three stadium-sized beers and an arm鈥檚-length row of hot dogs within the first inning, someone who can manage to belch out Don-Rickles-esque insults with clarity, someone with a hair-trigger temper to elbow fans of the opposing team in the face when they or their kids get out of line and someone who will take their last snuff-gurgled breath after absorbing the full force of an air cannon stuffed with live squids, fire ants and plastic sporks to save the life of their home team鈥檚 mascot as it dangles over a vat of boiling root beer before a live studio audience. Japan.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One鈥nd Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain鈥�, are available on Amazon.com. He co-hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday.