According to Hofmann: Parking spaced-out
It鈥檚 unfair to say that it鈥檚 impossible to find a parking space nowadays, so I鈥檒l do some fancy word-smithing to lower the definition of impossible by a few degrees by putting the word 鈥減retty鈥� in front of it.
Like I said, it鈥檚 鈥減retty鈥� impossible to find a parking spot nowadays, and that鈥檚 because so many are reserved.
It used to be just handicapped parking, and that was fine as it helped people and wasn鈥檛 an inconvenience to park in other spots.
But then reserved spaces for expecting mothers appeared out of the blue鈥搊r out of the pink if she鈥檚 expecting a girl.
By the time we adjusted to that, other reserved parking spaces popped up and included curbside pickup, preferred VIP customers, employees, VIP employees, pharmacy pickups, people who are offended by the color magenta, embarrassed men rushing in to buy feminine hygiene products for their wife or girlfriend, employees who are offended by the color fuchsia, people named Marvin, expecting adopting mothers and fully-loaded clown cars.
I know that doesn鈥檛 seem like a lot, but you tend to notice it when you鈥檙e driving through a crowded parking lot and suddenly feel your spirits lifted when you see that prime spot sitting pretty between two vehicles and located close to the store with no other vehicles on the hunt for it.
You鈥檙e about to swing your car in when you stop short and curse because it鈥檚 a space reserved for fathers carrying triplets in a chest harness.
You know if you take the spot, then you鈥檒l actually see a father carrying triplets in a chest harness, and you鈥檒l be crushed with guilt when he gives you the Look of Shame.
You instead end up parking on the other side of the lot where all of society鈥檚 rejects congregate, and you constantly wonder if you鈥檙e going to return to see your vehicle on blocks and how bad your chaffing is going to be from your trek to and from the store.
The other problem is trying to explain to someone how you fit the requirements of the space to which the space is reserved?
If you don鈥檛 have a handicapped placard, you can always explain that you are what鈥檚 considered 鈥渟emi-unhandicapped鈥� until you pass the seafood aisle in the grocery store and your high anxiety kicks in from an inking incident involving a rabid squid in the Atlantic Ocean when you were a toddler on vacation with your family at the Outer Banks in 1987 when there was a full moon one night. You see, it鈥檚 the details that make the story more believable.
When I used to get grief over parking in the spot for expectant mothers, I used to say that I just so happened to be expecting a mother, as my wife is a mother and my mother is certainly a mother and is even a grandmother, which multiplies the motherhood. Then, when I started to lose that verbal jousting match, I just placed my hands on my already swollen stomach and said, 鈥淵es. And what are you implying?鈥�
But now it鈥檚 difficult to keep the stories straight.
As an example, I once parked right in front of my local drug store, and I didn鈥檛 even bother to read where I parked because I was in a hurry to rush into the store, use the restroom while doing collateral damage to it in the process, then browse along the cold-and-flu section before nonchalantly leaving the business before the scene of the crime would be discovered.
Of course, as soon as I got out of my car and started restroom-hobbling toward the store, some weekend-parking-space warrior shouted at me, 鈥淗ey! You can鈥檛 park there, dude!鈥�
鈥淥h, that鈥檚 okay,鈥� I said. 鈥淚鈥檓 totally a鈥m鈥urvivor of a bleeding ulcer? I just left my card at home. I must have left it in my office desk drawer, wedged between my electric bill from two months ago with a late-fee charge of $25 and the updated version of my fan letter to Wilford Brimley where I mention鈥撯��
鈥淨uit bogging down your lie with details! You parked on the sidewalk!鈥�
鈥淵eah, that鈥檚 right! I鈥檝e been afflicted with sidewalking for years!鈥� I said as I side-walked into the drug store.
Now, before this reserved-parking-space craziness gets more out of hand, I think if we stop trying to join groups to be handed rewards of designated spaces and if we start acting like individuals and fight tire and bumper to earn the best parking space we can get like nature intended, then I鈥檓 sure we鈥檒l survive the trials and tribulations of this year of our Lord 2020.
Well鈥鈥檓 鈥減retty鈥� sure.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. He co-hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday. His book, 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� is available on Amazon.com.