According to Hofmann: Social distance warrior
It should go without saying, but don鈥檛 try anything I鈥檓 suggesting to do in this column because I鈥檓 a total idiot. Just ask my wife. In fact, you don鈥檛 even need to ask her because she鈥檒l voluntarily tell you that I鈥檓 an idiot within 3 minutes of meeting her for the first time.
I remember when I was studying for my driver鈥檚 exam, constantly looking over that manual full of road rules that I have surely forgotten about as I mostly learned to drive from the streets鈥he first lesson being that you have to drive on the streets, not the sidewalk.
One day I was going over the manual at my grandfather鈥檚 house when he decided to quiz me.
鈥淲hat do you do when you come up on a yellow light?鈥� he asked.
鈥淭hat鈥檚 a trick question, grandpap,鈥� I said. 鈥淭here鈥檚 no traffic lights on the sidewalk.鈥�
鈥淯gh! What was the first lesson, Mark?鈥�
鈥淥h yeah. Let鈥檚 see, at a yellow light, you slow down in anticipation of the light turning red.鈥�
鈥淣o,鈥� my grandfather said. 鈥淵ou drive like hell before it turns red.鈥�
Such sage advice reminded me of Pennsylvania鈥檚 current situation with getting out of the red and yellow phases from COVID-19 restrictions and into the green phase. Sure, it鈥檚 a reverse traffic-light situation of red, then yellow and then green, but the same principle remains that everyone is rushing like hell to get to green and then getting away from green and hitting the sidewalks鈥揑 mean, streets.
Not that I blame anyone for wanting to get back to normal-normal from new-normal as soon as possible because businesses needed to reopen and people needed to get out of the house before they go all Jack Torrance on everyone while their kids are writing 鈥淩EDRUM鈥� in lipstick on house furniture.
However, it鈥檚 not going to feel normal any time soon as we are still urged to follow guidelines like wearing masks, washing hands, staying 6 feet apart, not licking door handles in public restrooms, etc.
That鈥檚 why I think the solution is not to keep advancing such protocols while everyone is wanting to go back to living semi-consequence free lives, but to relax other pre-COVID restrictions that society has accepted as scripture for years.
Think of it as colliding two different subatomic particles together. What鈥檚 the worst that can happen?
The first big one is smoking in restaurants and other indoor public places.
People have become so offended by the thought of smoking indoors that lighting up would quickly cause social distancing of not only 6 feet, but maybe 12 feet.
As a cigar smoker, I know that will be extremely effective as I once was scolded for enjoying a cigar on a bar鈥檚 outdoor patio, and I was the bar鈥檚 owner. Okay, I made that last part up, but you get the point.
The next on the list is pretty obvious, and that is posting a sign at every business entrance that reads, 鈥淣o Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem, In Fact, We Welcome You To Also Have Avoided Bathing For A Few Days, Show Off Your Offensive Tattoos And Infected Body Piercings鈥�.
Not only would nobody be foolish enough to go around whatever space you were occupying, but the staff would clean up after you and sanitize like they鈥檙e going to perform surgery.
My idea also includes ramping up all of those unlisted social indecencies that turn people off.
For example, families should be encouraged to give their children around 100 grams of sugar about 15 minutes before entering any facility or better yet, have them chug two 12-ounce bottles of Mountain Dew in the parking lot once they arrive.
Once inside the facility, the parents should not give their children any kind of discipline no matter how much noise they make or property damage they cause. Now that鈥檚 social distancing for ya. If you play your cards right and have more than three kids, you can probably have any room in the building to yourselves.
Another good idea is not silencing your cellphone. When you do receive a phone call with your phone鈥檚 Yoko Ono ringtone at full volume, put the caller on speakerphone so everyone in earshot can hear about the results of your colonoscopy.
Yes, I understand that my method is a rough adjustment for people, but if anything this pandemic has taught us, it鈥檚 how to adapt, how do be safe and comfortably live in society鈥ith a respectable distance away from everyone鈥specially the freak with the oozing belly-button ring and talking with his mouth full of food about his favorite scene in the movie 鈥淭he Human Centipede鈥� on his speakerphone.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. He co-hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday. His book, 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� is available on Amazon.com.