According to Hofmann: A loser’s guide to gambling
Editor鈥檚 note: If the title alone wasn鈥檛 a solid clue, don鈥檛 do anything this idiot tells you.
The age-old question on the mind of many since the dawn of humans has been 鈥淲here鈥檚 that smell on my body coming from?鈥� followed by 鈥溾�nd how do I get rid of it?鈥� followed by 鈥溾�nd how do I win money instead of working for it like a sucker?鈥�
The answer is 鈥渁nywhere on the human body where you can hide something, and soap,鈥� but the third question may take a little more of an explanation.
To be clear, I鈥檓 what they call a 鈥渃asual gambler,鈥� meaning I dress casually when I gamble, meaning I dress in shorts, flip-flops and an ill-fitting 鈥淒ukes of Hazard鈥� T-shirt when betting on cards, on machines, on tickets and on animals like garden slugs making their way through my salt obstacle course.
In my years of experience, I鈥檝e picked up a thing or two outside of casinos like trash to fulfill community service obligations, but the real lessons can be learned from the inside beginning with slot machines.
It doesn鈥檛 really matter how you play a slot machine to win money because it鈥檚 all about when you play the machine and under what circumstances.
What you need to do is observe the people who play the machines, taking note if they鈥檙e constantly losing and becoming more and more frustrated that the machine isn鈥檛 paying off.
The next thing you do is wait until their frustration makes them leave the machine. Now, it鈥檚 important that they move to the machine next to the one they abandoned or at the most two machines away because then you jump in and start playing.
I鈥檝e heard so many stories where someone pumped so much money in a machine that after they gave up on it and moved a seat or two away from it, someone else plays the machine and wins big so I figure there鈥檚 something to that.
Of course, I also once passionately argued that the minuet in G major by Christian Petzold was by Johann Sebastian Bach. So take my proclamations with a grain of salt unless you鈥檙e a slug.
Back to the slot machine, make about five or six bets, and if the machine is still a losing endeavor, then abandon it as well, but walk 鈥� nay run 鈥� to the other side of the casino so you won鈥檛 know if the next person to sit there will hit.
When it comes to table games, sports betting and track betting, the same observation skills apply, but in those cases, you need to look for the severely drunk people 鈥� they鈥檙e the ones who walk around like they鈥檙e on a ship floating on choppy waters.
When they score big, you鈥檒l know it by subtle clues like them screaming, 鈥淚鈥檓 intoxicated, and I won money!鈥�
At that point, you approach them and match their enthusiasm for their good fortune until they agree to have you as part of their entourage, and you say you need money for gas and parking and drinks until you bilk them out of the $75 they won at the Let It Ride table or until they sober up.
Finally, we have the lottery. This requires a bit more research, but to win at playing numbers or scratching tickets, you have to pay attention to previous winning lottery stories.
For example, a man in South Carolina won a lottery jackpot of $250,000 on a ticket he bought from the five bucks in quarters he vacuumed out of his car. Another South Carolina man mistakenly threw away a ticket worth $100,000 before realizing his mistake and fished it out of the trash, and a Maryland woman skipped purchasing a ticket at her usual store because she was hungry and wound up buying a ticket worth $30,000 at another retailer that sold snacks.
Now, before you go and vacuum quarters from your car or go though your trash for any discarded tickets, keep in mind that winning the lottery is a lot like lightning, meaning you can get electrocuted if you鈥檙e outdoors鈥lso, it doesn鈥檛 strike twice.
This is also where you have to become unique in the events leading up to purchasing the lottery ticket as well as your actions following the purchase of the ticket.
By my calculation, these future headlines can be used as guidelines, 鈥淲oman wins $140,000 after letting dog scratch her ticket,鈥� 鈥淗ungry man eats lotto ticket, poops out a fortune,鈥� 鈥淢ime 鈥榓sks鈥� for jackpot-winning ticket,鈥� and my retirement plan, 鈥淲riter wins jackpot after shakedown of drunken casino winner. Charges pending.鈥�
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. He co-hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday. His book, 鈥漇tupid Brain,鈥� is available on Amazon.com.