According to Hofmann: Remember to celebrate the non-living dead
I鈥檝e been confused recently when watching the news other than the normal confusion I experience when they talk about the stock market being down or up and how that鈥檚 a good thing or bad thing or an insignificant thing or especially the weather when they give a number to the air quality index, and I don鈥檛 even know if the number is a good quality or a bad quality to have鈥nd I don鈥檛 know what an air quality index even is.
But that confusion is nothing compared to the announcement of a celebrity death on television.
It used to be simple.
鈥淥rson Welles died yesterday. Now onto sports鈥︹��
Then they started to lighten that blow a bit, but you still knew that someone died because the clues were pretty easy to follow, even for a moron like me.
鈥淪ad news [someone died] out of Hollywood [an actor, director, producer, screenwriter, key grip, etc.] today [this happened today]鈥︹��
Or they鈥檒l do something like, 鈥淧eople are mourning [someone died] the life of a sports legend [an athlete or a coach or a towel boy, etc.]
However, they try to break the sad news so gently that I don鈥檛 know what to think, and I don鈥檛 know how to think or feel things unless the television clearly tells me.
The best example is the recent death of James Lipton where the television anchors started the segment by saying, 鈥淐elebrating James Lipton鈥� or 鈥淩emembering James Lipton鈥�.
Full disclosure: while I know of James Lipton and enjoyed watching him on 鈥淚nside the Actors鈥� Studio,鈥� I honestly thought the guy died years ago.
So, when I鈥檓 being told I have to remember him or celebrate him, I鈥檓 thinking, 鈥淲hat are they doing to remember James Lipton?鈥� or 鈥淲e鈥檙e celebrating James Lipton today. Is it a federal holiday or something?鈥�
I remember way back when 鈥� like eight months ago 鈥� they would start off such stories with 鈥淐elebrating the life of鈥︹�� or 鈥淩emembering the life of鈥︹�� and now they took the life out; maybe it was a metaphoric thing which I didn鈥檛 understand, but, hey, why make it easy to understand? It鈥檚 only the news, which I thought was the clear presentation of information to the masses, but I can鈥檛 remember everything I learned in journalism class behind the dumpster of the community college.
Anyway, the television story highlights the dead celebrity鈥檚 life and accomplishments, and that should be the clue that the celebrity has died, but it鈥檚 still not the obvious clue, especially for me as I was half paying attention because I was trying to figure out how the air quality index works on my phone鈥檚 weather app.
So, throughout the news segment on James Lipton, I鈥檓 saying to the TV, 鈥淪o did he die or what? Was there a grave robbing? I wonder if James Lipton was an heir to the Lipton Tea fortune. I really would like to drink tea now, but it鈥檚 early, and I鈥檓 drinking coffee, and I hate hot tea, but love iced tea, but not a fan of iced coffee. Sometimes I don鈥檛 know what鈥檚 wrong with me and why I鈥檓 confessing all of this to a television set.鈥�
All doubt is erased, however, when the anchor will say something like, 鈥淛ames Lipton was 92鈥� or they do a soft-transition to a photo with the year of birth to the year of death, so you get the confirmation, but at the end of the segment when you should have received it at the beginning.
That鈥檚 what we call in the journalism industry, burying 鈥� no pun intended 鈥� the lead鈥r even the headline.
The whole thing is further proof of society being too coddled as if we can鈥檛 accept the fact that someone has died. So we remove death, we replace mourning with celebrating, and we even remove life from the equation.
If you鈥檙e wondering what鈥檚 next, then wonder no more because it will start with removing anything indicating past tense and end with removing any other words than a person鈥檚 name and one positive word about them.
In the near future, prepare to hear bad news about your favorite celebrities in the following ways: 鈥淛on Voight Spectacular鈥� or 鈥淗elen Mirren Wonderful鈥� or 鈥淜eith Richards Astounding.鈥�
Well, I think that last one was a typo that didn鈥檛 happen yet because that guy will probably never die, but you get the point.
There鈥檚 not much more we can do at this point other than celebrate and remember those who have shuffled off this mortal coil before we start blurting out names with positive adjectives attached.
With that, I鈥檒l be old school and say, 鈥淩IP, James Lipton. Now onto sports鈥︹��
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. He co-hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday. His book, 鈥漇tupid Brain,鈥� is available on Amazon.com.