According to Hofmann: Scumbags of the silver screen
As I find myself more or less confined at home this week, I didn鈥檛 want to spend all my free time sitting in a chair and blankly staring at a wall, so I decided to think up a few of my favorite unintentional movie villains while I sat in a chair and blankly stared at a wall.
If you鈥檙e unfamiliar with unintentional movie villains, they鈥檙e characters that aren鈥檛 blatantly evil like Darth Vader, the Joker or Mary Poppins, but they still cause havoc to the main character or characters through their actions or inactions.
Those characters have flown below my villain radar to the point where I never even paid much attention to them, but something about them never really sat right with me, like gas-station sushi.
And like gas-station sushi, it didn鈥檛 take long for me to bring it up and share it with all of you, starting with The Great and Powerful Oz from the movie, 鈥淭he Wizard of Oz鈥�.
Sure, his name is in the title of the classic film, but so is Wind in 鈥淕one With the Wind,鈥� and if that movie doesn鈥檛 have you hating wind, I don鈥檛 know what will.
Anyway, I can somewhat empathize with the guy 鈥� he鈥檚 living large in Emerald City when all of a sudden, four freeloaders with a lap dog give a sob story to bypass security, they receive a full-service makeover and then have the nerve to ask him for a favor.
But why couldn鈥檛 the old geezer just kick them out? Instead, his disembodied flaming head heckles them and then decides to put them on a suicide mission to get the Wicked Witch鈥檚 broom.
When the freeloaders return with the broom, the flaming head starts to weasel out of his promise until they discover he鈥檚 just a crazy coot behind the curtain.
Even then, he still conned the foursome out of their rewards by giving them junk from a second-hand store peppered with a snake-oil salesman鈥檚 pitch.
Just look at what he said to The Scarecrow鈥�
鈥淏ack where I come from, we have universities, seats of great learning, where men go to become great thinkers. And when they come out, they think deep thoughts and with no more brains than you have. But they have one thing you haven鈥檛 got: a diploma.鈥�
鈥淲ait, Mr. Wizard 鈥� I mean, Dr. Oz 鈥� I mean, Mr. Oz! This diploma is for a bachelor鈥檚 in European women poetry studies!鈥�
鈥淭hat a girl, and you鈥檙e welcome!鈥�
Speaking of deceptive old geezers, few have matched the lazy scumbagery of Grandpa Joe from 鈥淲illy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.鈥�
Something about the guy always rubbed me the wrong way like a prison cellmate giving a deep-tissue massage.
For example, he was 鈥渂edridden鈥� for decades along with his wife and two other elderly invalids while his daughter worked her butt off to earn for the household as a single mother.
But wait a minute! As soon as his grandson, Charlie, finds the Golden Ticket to tour Wonka鈥檚 chocolate factory, well, Grandpa Joe not only miraculously walks, but dances and sings, which totally qualifies him to take Charlie on the tour, I guess.
And what did Grandpa Joe do while they鈥檙e at the chocolate factory? Why, he makes Charlie break the rules and breach a signed contract by stealing a swig of a Fizzy Lifting drink and bumping into the ceiling, which needed to be washed and sterilized. And what does Joe do when Wonka calls him out on it? He has the nerve to call Wonka the cheat and the crook.
What a fantastic example of responsible guardianship.
Now, if you think I鈥檓 only picking on senile old men, then don鈥檛 fret because last, but not least, is Jenny from 鈥淔orest Gump.鈥�
Basically, the woman was being a tease to a mentally-challenged man for 30 years, never bothered opening his letters from Vietnam, came back all strung out and took advantage of poor Forest one night in what only could be described as statutory sexual assault and skipped town the next day.
Oh, but it gets better because she doesn鈥檛 decide to get back in touch with him until he鈥檚 a millionaire while she鈥檚 working at a minimum-wage waitress job, raising a kid while she鈥檚 dying from a disease, which she probably passed on to Forest, whom she then manipulated to raise the kid.
Yeah, I know she said the kid belongs to Forest, but, at that point, could he really believe anything she says?
鈥淥f course he鈥檚 your kid, Forest, because I named him Forest after his daddy, and your name is Forest because that鈥檚 how genetics and heredity works.鈥�
Now, I know there鈥檚 more unintentional villains out there in mediums of movies, books, songs and cave drawings, but I have no more space in this week鈥檚 column.
If you have any such villains in mind, please let me know, and if you can鈥檛 think of any, then just blankly stare at a wall until you come up with something.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. He co-hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday. His book, 鈥漇tupid Brain,鈥� is available on Amazon.com.