According to Hofmann: Our future…according to ‘Demolition Man’
I鈥檝e been going back and forth on whether I was going to write a column on COVID-19, the coronavirus, Wu Tang Flu, etc.
On one hand, it鈥檚 a very serious subject that does not jive with my juvenile insensibilities. On the other hand, there are many that have not let the seriousness of this pandemic arrest their juvenile insensibilities. On the other hand (because I was born with a three-hand deformity), I鈥檇 really rather write about people and movies.
So, if I learned anything about this outbreak, it鈥檚 that people won鈥檛 change as the events of the past few weeks have only reinforced or enhanced people鈥檚 existing behaviors.
The brave are still brave (I鈥檓 talking to you, first responders and those in the medical field), the greedy are still greedy (I鈥檓 talking to you, person purchasing crates of toilet paper and hand sanitizer), the idiots are still very much idiots (I鈥檓 talking to you, spring breakers at the beach) and the conspiracy theorists have enough material to keep them busy for the next three decades (I鈥檓 talking to you, person in the tin-foil hat who always watches me when I look in the mirror).
While I can go on and on with the ways people are reacting to other people鈥檚 reactions, I find it more disturbing that people are making comparisons of this pandemic to films like 鈥淥utbreak,鈥� 鈥淐ontagion鈥� and even 鈥淐addyshack II.鈥�
However, there are times where I put my futurist hat over my tin-foil hat and look for life imitating art, which is why the most accurate film to pay attention to this day and age is 鈥淒emolition Man鈥� because it shows us where we鈥檙e heading.
That鈥檚 right. 鈥淒emolition Man,鈥� the 1993 Sylvester Stallone sci-fi/action hybrid of awesomeness about a cop (Stallone) who is placed in a cryogenic prison along with his criminal nemesis (Wesley Snipes), both of which are revived 36 years later in 2032.
The interesting aspect of the movie is the future where society has achieved a passive existence, which the characters of Stallone and Snipes turn on its head through good-old-fashioned 90鈥檚 action-packed violence.
While the society in the film is non-violent, it also practices social distancing to where the characters don鈥檛 even touch each other routinely or even intimately; so, of course, if I were Stallone鈥檚 character and partnered up with the character played by the gorgeous Sandra Bullock, my first thought would be any red-blooded American males鈥� thought, which is how doctors check for hernias in the future. Scary right?
But that鈥檚 the least of the problems in that future as an ongoing joke in the film is the bathrooms having no toilet paper, but instead have three seashells that Stallone鈥檚 character couldn鈥檛 figure out how to use.
Now, wonder if today鈥檚 unprecedented demand for toilet paper both figuratively and literally burns out the toilet paper industry, then what are we left with?
The three seashells.
The movie never explains how they鈥檙e used, but I have a pretty solid theory, which I can鈥檛 reveal here because this is a family column鈥ust don鈥檛 ask what family because they鈥檒l deny it.
Anyway, the third is, of course, Taco Bell being the last restaurant to survive the 鈥淔ranchise Wars,鈥� meaning all restaurants are Taco Bells.
Now, I have my doubt this will happen in our reality because while every restaurant has been hit hard with dining-room restrictions, I see no shorter lines at Taco Bell than any other restaurant.
Then again, for one movie to show accurate signs of a possible future we face, I think we all better start taking this virus seriously and stay home whenever possible and remember basic hygiene or, some day years from now, you鈥檙e going to do a post-Taco-Bell run to the bathroom and be greeted by three seashells, and if you agitate your inguinal hernia in the process, well, you better hope there鈥檚 a seashell for that.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. He co-hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday. His book, 鈥漇tupid Brain,鈥� is available on Amazon.com.