According to Hofmann: Variety can be the over-spice of life
I remember when Hershey Kisses with an almond inside were introduced. It rocked my world.
Before that, we had the Hershey Kiss, a perfect little dab of chocolate goodness, but they shook things up by putting an almond inside! I was so overwhelmed, I had to give myself a timeout.
Yes, I have no life.
Next thing I knew, potato chips and Oreo cookies took it to another level by throwing a variety of varieties of items in my face, in my mouth and down my throat.
Lays potato chips released new and limited flavors that really pushed the limits like tacos, avocado toast, New York-style Reuben, biscuits and gravy, gyro, bacon macaroni and cheese, cappuccino, garlic bread and a full-three course dinner at Red Lobster.
With Oreo cookies, I鈥檝e seen Chocolate Peanut Butter Pie, Pistachio Thins, Cherry Cola, Pina Colado, Kettle Corn, Cinnamon Bun, Blueberry Pie, Strawberry Shortcake, Carrot Cake, Cotton Candy, Key Lime Pie, Cookie Dough, Pumpkin Spice (because Oreo can鈥檛 be left out of the 918,112 other pumpkin-spice products we see in the fall), S鈥橫ores and there鈥檚 even s鈥檓ore than that!
At first, the varieties came slowly as we were eased into the new additions鈥搈uch like when they say a frog won鈥檛 notice it鈥檚 being cooked in a pot of water if the temperature is turned up a little at a time or if bits of garlic are floating in the water.
However, in the past couple of years, they not only cranked the heat on the frog鈥檚 water at full blast, they also put a flamethrower to the frog to cook it cajun style, which is probably a potato-chip flavor by now.
In the time it took me to write this sentence, Oreo has released new flavors including Shoo Fly Pie, Breath Mints, Corn Dogs and Jello Shots.
The one Oreo flavor that really took me to the prom was the Golden Oreo-cookies with the filling flavored as fruit punch.
The idea was to capture that taste of drinking fruit punch while eating vanilla cream cookies.
鈥淢y God!鈥� I shrieked in a crowded store. 鈥淭hey鈥檙e packaging and selling my childhood memories!鈥�
It was like I was stuck in a sci-fi movie, which was why I made sure there wasn鈥檛 a Soylent Green flavor on the shelf.
I can鈥檛 wait for follow-up memory flavors like Ice Cream Your T-ball Coach Bought For You After Losing the Playoff Game and The Chewing Gum You Almost Choked on During Your First Kiss.
Alcoholic beverages aren鈥檛 even safe anymore鈥s compared to being perfectly safe before.
While there鈥檚 a multitude and multiplex of flavor-infused spirits out there, I want to focus on vodkas, which makes sense because someone had the idea of adding a flavor to vodka other than vodka鈥檚 base flavor, which is rubbing alcohol.
There are flavors like cucumber, pineapple, peach, apple, vanilla, raspberry, chocolate, strawberry, pepper, sweet tea, pomegranate, pear, watermelon, lavender, grapefruit, jalapeno, mint, cinnamon, rose, roasted peanut, peanut butter, pickle, apple pie, caramel, pecan pie, peach cobbler, pumpkin spice (of course), salty caramel popcorn, honey, cupcake, ginger snap, creme brulee and bacon to name a few.
Just imagine what you can achieve when you mix and match those combinations.
鈥淵es, I鈥檒l have a mint chocolate-covered lavender roasted peanut shot and a barf bag to go with it because I think the sweet tea peanut butter honey pickle shot isn鈥檛 sitting well in my stomach.鈥�
If all of that seems overwhelming, then you鈥檙e right, but if you think all of it isn鈥檛 a big deal in the long run, then you鈥檙e as wrong as a sardine sandwiched between two Oreo cookies, which is probably a new flavor by now.
You see, there鈥檚 a reason I had believed I was in a sci-fi movie when seeing that cookie flavor; it鈥檚 because I鈥檓 always what I call 鈥渟ci-fi ready鈥�.
If you don鈥檛 know what that means, if you ever saw a sci-fi movie and when odd things begin to happen, the main character doesn鈥檛 comprehend that aliens are taking over the Earth or time travelers are hiding their socks, etc., until it鈥檚 too late.
That鈥檚 why I鈥檓 totally willing to accept that all our foods are going to be discontinued and then repurposed into cookies, potato chips and booze鈥搕he latter mainly because we鈥檒l be too drunk to notice what鈥檚 happening.
Imagine if you have a hankering for a pastrami sandwich on rye bread with a kosher pickle, but the deli stopped selling it and the store no longer carried the fixings for it; however, there鈥檚 a potato chip with that flavor and you can wash it down with pickle vodka.
From that point, we鈥檒l be eating whole meals in a pill.
If you don鈥檛 believe me and think I don鈥檛 have any proof, well all I can say is the proof is in the pudding, which is probably a new martini drink by now.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One鈥nd Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com. He co-hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday.