According to Hofmann: Yellow Wednesday and the other holidays of Thanksgiving
Anyone who reads this column on a regular basis knows that I love writing about holidays鈥nd aliens鈥nd toilets鈥nd robots鈥nd my tendency to lose focus on whatever I鈥檓 writing about鈥nd鈥here was I going with this?
Anyway, I like how some holidays influence the other days around it to the point that new, unofficial holidays emerge.
The best example is Christmas, which is such a magical holiday that Christmas Eve sprang from it and has held its own for years, but it wasn鈥檛 always like that.
鈥淓xcuse me, sir, may we leave work early today? It鈥檚 Christmas Eve.鈥�
鈥淲hat that!? This is 2500 B.C., and you鈥檙e a slave, so back to work on those pyramids or die!鈥�
Other unofficial holidays include New Years Day, which brought about New Years Eve, St. Patrick鈥檚 Day, the inspiration for St. Pepto Bismol Day, and Labor Day鈥檚 influence on Sleepless Parents Days鈥nless I鈥檓 thinking of the wrong definition of 鈥渓abor鈥�.
Anyway, Thanksgiving is unique because it鈥檚 a holiday that has been slowly bleeding over to more and more days around it.
鈥淏ut Mark,鈥� I hear you say because I鈥檓 in the other room with my ear to a drinking glass pressed against the door. 鈥淓veryone knows that Black Friday takes place the day after Thanksgiving, but it鈥檚 a holiday inspired by Christmas, not Thanksgiving.鈥�
First, shut up, and second, I鈥檒l get to that, but first I want to focus on Yellow Wednesday.
Most people refer to Yellow Wednesday as Thanksgiving Eve, but that sounds stupid. We already dedicate an 鈥淓ve鈥� to two holidays; any more would just be gaudy.
Yellow Wednesday is the day where the most drinking of alcohol takes place throughout the year, beating out other established drinking holidays like St. Patrick鈥檚 Day, New Year鈥檚 Eve, Super Bowl Sunday, Mardi Gras and Monday at 2 p.m.
I鈥檝e been told that the reason behind Yellow Wednesday is because the day before Thanksgiving is when many people travel to their Thanksgiving destinations and catch up with friends and family at local watering holes or gin stills in the family basement.
That means everyone comes back to hometowns on Yellow Wednesday and by everyone, I mean Everyone. Time travelers even return to enjoy alcoholic beverages with their younger selves or with their great-grandparents. They also come back in time to play lottery numbers that haven鈥檛 hit yet so they can become multi-millionaires, but they get too drunk and forget to play the numbers. They then wake up in the future (both on Thanksgiving and decades from now) with nothing to show for it but a hangover and corroded livers, which is how Yellow Wednesday got its name 48 years from now.
If that鈥檚 not bad enough, then there鈥檚 more drinking involved on Thanksgiving, which is obvious because you can鈥檛 watch football without knocking back a few cans of beer or a fine box of pinot grigio鈥揳m I right, fellas?
So, with one day of drinking offsetting the hangover from the previous day of drinking, we come to the infamous Black Friday, a.k.a. the Christmas Eve Dry Run For Last-Minute Shoppers.
With two days of abusing your body, you now have to go out to quite literally fight the crowds on Black Friday and in most cases Pre-Black Friday (a.k.a. Purple Thursday, a.k.a. Thanksgiving). Even online shopping is dangerous 鈥� I got a black eye from my laptop while ordering a 鈥淪tar Wars鈥� chess set for my nephew.
No matter how you shop, Black Friday is quite the taxing adventure, and your body needs a day of rest from that alone.
鈥淭he day of rest would have to be Saturday,鈥� I hear you yelping like you think you know the answer.
Well, just like the answer I received from Scarlett Johansen when I tried to convince her that our potential offspring will be an Adonis among men, 鈥淵ou be wrong鈥nd I鈥檓 alerting the authorities.鈥�
Everyone knows that the holiday after Black Friday is Red and Green Saturday, a day where you begin to get in the Christmas spirit by pounding down coffee in the morning, transitioning to water and sports drinks, and finally hopping back on the beer/pinot grigio/eggnog wagon by the time you鈥檙e done spending the day putting up Christmas decorations and a tree.
Then, finally, Sunday is the day to rest鈥fter church, visiting family and attending to the house chores that you鈥檝e ignored for the past four days.
鈥淏ut, Mark,鈥� I hear you whine again. 鈥淕reen and Red Saturday and Black Friday are most definitely unofficial Christmas-inspired holidays as they both involve Christmas!鈥�
All I can tell you is the two holidays are most certainly linked to Thanksgiving by the fact they form a cluster holiday around Thanksgiving, which is the anchor holiday.
If you don鈥檛 believe me, then you鈥檒l have to take it up with my grandchildren, as they will discover those holidays in the year 2068.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One鈥nd Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com. He co-hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday.