According to Hofmann: Let the nostalgia wars begin!
From my perspective as a person鈥揵iologically speaking, of course鈥搕he anticipation we feel when Christmas is upon us falls into three categories: wanting to keep holiday nostalgia alive, making new memories for the new season and just wanting to get through the whole thing in one piece.
Since the latter is pretty self explanatory and shared by most adults on the planet, I鈥檒l focus on the other two since my wife and I both fall into those separate categories.
I want to keep the nostalgia alive, trying to capture the good feelings from Christmases past and gobble it up, wipe my mouth off and then eat the napkin.
However, as one gets older, one finds that the Christmas memory buffet has fewer and fewer options.
But I try regardless, and that begins by sticking to a list of movies that I must watch, music to which I must listen and even commercials that I have to see like the Eat 鈥榥 Park star trying to get on the Christmas tree, the Hershey Kisses bells playing 鈥淲e Wish You A Merry Christmas鈥� and pretty much any car commercial that reminds us that it must be awesome to be rich.
You know those car commercials. My favorite is the one where the guy goes up to his wife and says, 鈥淗oney I purchased his-and-her Buicks for us! They鈥檙e parked in front of the mansion along with the Buick I bought for the dog!鈥�
That鈥檚 why I get all edgy after Thanksgiving; it鈥檚 not because of impossible budgeting for non-Buick gifts or my belief that someone is putting poison in my turkey. It鈥檚 because I expect to have these nostalgic experiences of those movies, songs and commercials leading up to Christmas Day.
If I don鈥檛 get that, then there鈥檚 something 鈥渘ot right鈥� about that particular Christmas, and it should be discarded and everyone鈥檚 memories wiped clean through hypnosis.
If you happen to see me at 11:55 p.m. on Dec. 25 trying to find the version of 鈥淏lue Christmas鈥� performed by Elmer Fudd on my phone because it hasn鈥檛 appeared on the radio even though stations have been playing Christmas tunes since Oct. 28, then you鈥檒l know not to ask questions and slowly back away.
And, yes, I realize that listening to Christmas songs in October would give me ample time to hear all the required songs to complete the holiday season checklist.
However, I refuse to listen to the radio鈥檚 Christmas songs until Dec. 1 or, at the very least, the day after Thanksgiving because listening to Christmas songs before Thanksgiving or Halloween would take away the nostalgia of those two holidays!
Someday a psychologist is going to contact me and say, 鈥淚 read your columns; I鈥檒l offer my services for free.鈥� Or better yet, a psychiatrist contacts me and says, 鈥淚 have some experimental pills; they鈥檙e yours鈥搉o questions asked.鈥�
Like I wrote earlier, my wife鈥檚 approach to nostalgia is mostly the complete opposite of mine. She views every Christmas as a way to make new memories and new traditions, which ceases to be a tradition if not repeated the next year and the years to follow.
For example, when it comes to a stocking for our daughter, Emma, I鈥檓 of the belief she should use the same socking year after year because that鈥檚 her stocking, and it holds cherished memories鈥搈uch like the stocking I had throughout my childhood and into my mid 30s before my parents had to sit me down for a talk.
My wife, on the other hand (well, the other foot, since we鈥檙e talking about stockings) wants to buy Emma a new stocking every year. That, to me, only makes sense if you actually wear the stocking on your foot throughout the year and wear it out.
You can only imagine the epic fights saved just for those occasions around the holidays.
鈥淢ark, Christmas will not be ruined if you don鈥檛 hear dogs barking 鈥楯ingle Bells鈥�! It鈥檚 already your cell phone鈥檚 ringtone!鈥�
鈥淭hat鈥檚 not the full version! And I鈥檓 getting sick of hearing those cats meowing the 鈥�12 Days of Christmas鈥� over and over again on TikTok!鈥�
鈥淚t鈥檚 funny and cute, Mark!鈥�
鈥淲hatever. I鈥檓 going to drink eggnog and watch 鈥楧ie Hard鈥�!鈥�
鈥淣o. That鈥檚 stupid!鈥�
鈥淚t鈥檚 tradition!鈥�
Anyway, I鈥檝e come to realize the one thing on which both my wife and I can agree is that holiday fighting, for me, is a cherished tradition that never gets old and, for her, the subject of the arguments is something that鈥檚 a little different each and every year.
That鈥檚 the true Christmas miracle!
鈥淣o, Mark. That鈥檚 stupid,鈥� so said my wife over my shoulder as I finish this week鈥檚 column.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One鈥nd Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com. He co-hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday.