According to Hofmann: Cooking for Bachelors
Sometimes opportunities present themselves in strange ways.
While I was doing the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show a few weeks back on WMBS, my co-host, Bill Madden, suggested there should be a cookbook for bachelors. He then suggested the title be changed to 鈥淐ooking For Singles鈥� to not discriminate against the female gender.
However, with respect to women, this cookbook has to be for bachelors because you gals need to shut your traps and get into the kitchen to do what God put you on this Earth to do while the man goes out to make a living, and that鈥檚 cook meals, clean house and make babies鈥揳ll at the same time.
I鈥檓 kidding, of course, it doesn鈥檛 have to be all at the same as two things can be done at once or right in a row without breaks.
But if you鈥檙e like me and spend most of your free time writing apology letters to the National Organization for Women, you find you don鈥檛 have the time to cook.
Also, if you can鈥檛 afford to go out to eat because of gender-defamation lawsuits and if your municipality banned you from dumpster diving, then the 鈥淐ooking for Bachelors鈥� is right for you.
Consider this week鈥檚 column a special sneak preview of the groundbreaking and scale-bending book with the first chapter being the most-important meal of the day: the 3 a.m. bologna sandwich after a night of bar hopping.
The next-most-important meal of the day is, of course, breakfast.
In chapter three, page 19, I describe how to make a simple breakfast sandwich.
鈥淣ow, if you have bread, use bread. If you鈥檙e all fancy and think you鈥檙e better than everyone else, you can use an English muffin or a bagel, but not one of them cro-sants. If I can鈥檛 spell it, you don鈥檛 eat it.
鈥淥kay, now that you have your two bread slices out, put the cereal of your choice on one slice and then douse the cereal with pancake syrup and/or peanut butter to keep the structure intact.
鈥淧lace the other slice of bread on top of the other, compress, and you have a simple breakfast sandwich.
Moving on, if your career puts you in an office, at your home, on a dusty job site, in someone else鈥檚 home to steal their belongings or scaring children under a bridge, you鈥檙e gonna need a nutritious as well as an easy-to-prepare lunch, which can be found in chapter five, page 231 of the book.
鈥淕entlemen, the most important piece of food you can ever posses is a burrito coat鈥搒ome folks call it a torteeela, but, as my spellcheck is informing me, I can鈥檛 spell it, but I love to eat them, so we鈥檒l go with burrito coat. That鈥檚 what my divorce lawyer calls a 鈥榗ompromise鈥�.
鈥淵ou may be left with a question, and that鈥檚 what to put in your burrito coat, and the answer is everything, but you need two kinds of everything.
鈥淭he one kind of everything is the solids of your meal, which can be any meat, cheese, potato chips, vegetables鈥搄ust dump whatever you can find on your burrito coat that won鈥檛 burst out once you roll it up.
鈥淭he other thing is gravy, and not actual gravy (unless you have it, of course) but any kind of thick liquid condiment like ketchup, barbecue sauce, mustard, mayo, salsa, mashed potatoes on the soggy side, Jello in the middle of its transformation, etc.
鈥淎nd there you have it. Lunch in a cozy burrito coat.鈥�
And that鈥檚 the entire chapter on lunch, so let鈥檚 move onto a section in the next chapter of the book, dinner鈥搈ore specifically, the slow cooker on page 796.
鈥淭he slow cooker is a great device when you want food in a hurry, but only after you come home from a long day of work and had earlier placed your ingredients in the glorious machine and had it cook all day long on low heat.
鈥淭he internet is replete with slow-cooker and Crock-Pot recipes for you to try, but the problem with them is you actually have to pre-cook some things to make something else.
鈥淔or example, if you wanted to make General Tso鈥檚 chicken, you have to cut up chicken, cook and brown it on the stove, put in in the slow cooker with the sauce, stir it, add vegetables and then add cornstarch to thicken the sauce!
鈥淩eally? What鈥檚 the point of living? If you鈥檙e going to have to do that, you might as well just make it on the stove and get a master鈥檚 degree from a culinary institute while you鈥檙e at it!
鈥淗ere鈥檚 a real man鈥檚 slow-cooker recipe for beef stew: Buy a can of beef stew, empty the can in the slow cooker, set it on low, go to work, come home and eat.鈥�
With that, I hope you enjoy this special sneak peek of this book because, like my other books, I鈥檓 sure it won鈥檛 sell and will probably be the cause of several lawsuits.
In that case, you can reach Bill Madden daily on WMBS.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One鈥nd Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com. He co-hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday.