According to Hofmann: God bless the vacation friend?
My wife is all about these long vacations to the beach, a place that I despise and have trust issues with. Plus, there鈥檙e a lot of people there and a lot of sun, and I hate both.
Along with me forgetting to pack certain things for the trip like sunblock, suntan lotion, sun-burn-relief gel and skin-graft surgical equipment, I also forgot about the potential for my 10-year-stepdaughter, Emma, to gain what鈥檚 called a vacation friend.
To be honest, I never thought of the concept of a vacation friend before. I grew up with a brother, so I really didn鈥檛 have a desire to make a friend while on vacation.
Being an only child, Emma relies on me and her mother, Amber, for entertainment and, unfortunately, it鈥檚 always entertainment on demand.
鈥淒addy,鈥� she said while bobbing up and down in the motel swimming pool. 鈥淐an you get in and swim with me?鈥�
鈥淩eally?鈥� I asked from my hiding place under a blanket from the sun.
鈥淛ust do it, Mark,鈥� Amber chimed in. 鈥淪he鈥檚 bored and wants you to play with her! This is a vacation, and you have to stop being selfish by making excuses about the sun and people and fulfill Emma鈥檚 request because this vacation isn鈥檛 all about you!鈥�
鈥淢ommy, can you get in the pool, too?鈥� Emma asked.
鈥淥h, no, Emma,鈥� Amber said. 鈥淚 can鈥檛 get my hair wet.鈥�
Turns out the disinterest in our child鈥檚 activities led to her making a vacation friend as another girl around Emma鈥檚 age bobbed up and down in the motel pool and was apparently also neglected by her parents.
It seems like a pool or a playground or a taxi-cab trunk are the places where these vacation friendships are made or it can happen pretty much any place where kids are running around and eventually collide into one another like subatomic particles.
To my surprise, I found that the vacation friend totally took away our parental duty to entertain Emma because, as Emma and her friend played together in the pool, I turned to Amber and asked, 鈥淲hat鈥檚 happening? What do I do now?鈥�
鈥淵ou relax,鈥� Amber said.
Such an odd, alien concept! At first, I was riddled with fear to actually relax on a vacation, but I actually started getting into this 鈥渞elaxation鈥� thing.
However, the one and only downside of a vacation friend is the chance that the kid鈥檚 parents want to become friends with Amber and me.
My wife is a pretty open person so she can quickly make friends. I, on the other hand, don鈥檛. My only hope is the father is as much of an antisocial justice warrior as I am, and would rather drink bourbon, smoke cigars and yell disparaging profanities at seagulls than hang out with me.
In that case, I鈥檇 probably want to hang out with the guy, but I simply couldn鈥檛 because of my principle of avoiding people.
That鈥檚 what we call in the newspaper business a double-edged sword, which would be called a double-edged sword in pretty much any business except the sword-making business where it鈥檚 called Model No. Z9174.
The other negative of the vacation friend is getting double the responsibility of watching them when their parents see an opportunity to bail, making you the de facto parent or, better yet, a vacation parent.
Nothing better than telling your coworkers about your babysitting vacation; that鈥檒l make them jealous.
鈥淭hen the kid tried to talk us into buying a timeshare in Detroit鈥搒top laughing! It鈥檚 not funny!鈥�
Another negative is if the vacation friend鈥檚 family is the complete opposite, and they want your kid to spend a lot of time with them.
That鈥檚 when I start freaking out and wonder if we just lent our kid out to gypsies, cultists, people who don鈥檛 believe in the Dewey Decimal System or sales representatives for Detroit timeshares.
鈥淢ark!鈥� my wife yelled as I tried to build a beach fire to attract law enforcement. 鈥淪he鈥檚 only been gone five minutes!鈥�
鈥淭hat鈥檚 all the time they need!鈥� I screamed at her as I threw driftwood on a pile.
And, yes, now I realize I鈥檝e written more negatives than positives about the vacation friend, so I will change my position on the issue and encourage vacationers to avoid them at all costs, pay attention to your child, play with them if there鈥檚 no other alternative and make memories.
Because, someday, they鈥檒l be old enough to want to yell profanities at seagulls along with you and create new memories.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One鈥nd Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com. He co-hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday.