According to Hofmann: the school daze of 2020
As if I鈥檓 not jealous enough of children now-a-days, even in the dumpster fire year 2020 I have great envy at my 10-year-old stepdaughter, Emma, when she went 鈥渂ack to school鈥�.
I remember those glorious days way back when in early 2019 when she would physically go to school.
I鈥檇 spend a good part of the morning trying to wake her up with a bullhorn and threatening to soak her with a garden hose.
I鈥檇 then walk her down our driveway and wait for the bus where Emma asked me every 70 to 80 seconds for the time. In the two or three minutes prior to the scheduled stop time for the bus, Emma would continuously say the bus would be late until it actually showed up on time. Finally, I鈥檇 continuously watch both sides of the road for vehicles approaching from either direction because I equate any vehicle on the roadway while my kid is crossing to be some crazy death machine from a 鈥淢ad Max鈥� movie.
鈥淗urry up and cross, Emma!鈥� I shouted one morning. 鈥淭here鈥檚 a 1992 Geo Metro 200 yards away, and I can鈥檛 tell if it鈥檚 slowing down or not!鈥�
While those were fun times, COVID-19 had to go and ruin it like it did with everything else from offering to take used chewing gum from the mouths of strangers on the street to wearing a mask over my face when going to the bank to freak people out.
Prior to summer, Emma鈥檚 at-home school consisted of her waking up at the crack of noon, spending two or three hours out of the day doing online school work and then lounging around to watch TV and flirt with committing insurance fraud.
That鈥檚 not like my job where I have to work from home, slaving for eight hours straight over a laptop while in my pajamas on the couch or in the bathtub, which I strongly recommend not doing following my near-fatal electrocution/house fire/neighborhood blackout.
This school year, however, the little punk had to shape up with half her week in school and half the week in home remote learning. Unlike the last school year, this time she鈥檚 on a strict schedule, waking up at the crack of 8 a.m. and doing school work for a whole six hours.
While that change still isn鈥檛 satisfactory to me, from what I鈥檝e overheard through the crack of the bathroom door (don鈥檛 worry because I learned my lesson as I normally work from the toilet and not the bathtub), and I learned that remote schooling is somewhat like the real thing.
In fact, it鈥檚 virtually virtual reality!
For starters, the teachers actually take attendance and when they call on Emma, she unmutes her computer, says 鈥渉ere鈥� and mutes it again.
I remember when we had substitute teachers, and kids used to switch seats to sit next to their friends and then pretend to be the kid assigned to the seat during attendance. Since Emma has no close neighbors in her grade, she鈥檚 been denied the opportunity to do such a swap.
I suggested she let me pretend to be her whenever a substitute is there, but unless Emma鈥檚 going to a circus school to be the greatest bearded lady of all time, even a substitute could see I didn鈥檛 belong.
Speaking of not belonging, students in the first week of school still virtually entered into the wrong classroom.
It happened twice, actually, where the teacher concluded with attendance and started to begin the lesson when a voice came up, saying, 鈥淚 don鈥檛 think I belong in this class.鈥�
鈥淲here are you supposed to be, dear?鈥� the teacher said.
鈥淓nglish,鈥� the lost student said.
鈥淲ell, that鈥檚 Mrs. MacDonald鈥檚 room,鈥� the teacher said. 鈥淪he鈥檚 right down the hall at https://www.appletonschooldistrict/burkeselementary-middle.edu/://:macdonald32532639106497. You can鈥檛 miss it.鈥�
As if I鈥檓 not already sounding old, I wonder if students still pass notes in class. I imagine when students are physically in class nowadays, they may get caught texting. However, when learning at home, a teacher would have next to no idea if the kid is Facebooking, Instagramming, Twittering or, if they鈥檙e old fashioned, emailing.
The teacher would have to have some kind of background in cyber security from the State Department to outsmart some of these brats online鈥aybe experience in counter terrorism, too.
In conclusion, all we can do is hope this 鈥渘ew normal鈥� turns into 鈥渙ld nightmare鈥� real quick so I can get Emma off to school for five days straight so I can do my job in peace and quiet and a little bit of danger while in the bathtub.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One鈥nd Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com. He co-hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday.