According to Hofmann: Return to the valley of the American Girl dolls
The more I learn about fatherhood, the more I realize that fatherhood is mainly about standing around and holding stuff.
That notion was made crystal clear following my stepdaughter鈥檚 11th birthday.
Emma really didn鈥檛 have a birthday party last year due to COVID-19 restrictions 鈥� then again, in retrospect, the party鈥檚 theme of 鈥淎 Door-Knob Lickin鈥� Good Time鈥� was probably not the best selling point for 2020 (or any year).
We decided that instead of a party this year, we can use the $1.3 million that would normally go to a party center, food, cake, presents, decorations, party favors, shady back-alley deals, bail from prison, etc. and use it to book a hotel room and have her visit the Mecca for girls, The American Girl doll store in Columbus, Ohio.
As an extra bonus, my wife, Amber, and I didn鈥檛 have to buy anything at the store because we asked all of Emma鈥檚 aunts, uncles, legion of grandparents and great-grandparents, cousins and the dog, to give Emma only money for her birthday.
I must say that the kid made bank 鈥� so much so that I started hitting her up for money, but then she said a credit check was involved, so I backed off.
I honestly didn鈥檛 know what to expect at the store other than I knew I was going to be bored out of my skull. I was hoping to stay in the hotel room, watching HBO and being disappointed that, whenever you get a chance to watch HBO in a hotel room, they never show anything good.
But Emma wanted me to go with them to the store because, well, someone had to stand around and hold things.
The store is located at a place called the Easton Town Center, which is basically the Rodeo Drive of Ohio.
The indoor/outdoor shopping center was made up of high-end retail stores like Williams-Sonoma, Tommy Bahama, Louis Vuitton, Michael Kors, Lane Bryant, Kendra Scott, Eddie Bauer and Ann Taylor, which I assumed were the worst-sounding names for a superhero team-up ever.
So, yeah, I really didn鈥檛 fit in, but I was there for Emma, and she used my talents early on by giving me her doll to hold as we entered the store.
Along with Emma buying stuff in this place, Amber made Emma鈥檚 doll an appointment to get her hair done. Nope, I鈥檓 not making that up.
Actually, it was the hair appointment that allowed us to bypass the line outside because of the maximum occupancy restrictions, and let us into the store like we knew someone who knew someone who let us into an exclusive club.
Yep, that鈥檚 what I get to brag about nowadays.
As with any shopping experience, Emma quickly turned into her 鈥淥ooh, I want, I want鈥� mode and started grabbing boxes of dolls and accessories for the dolls off the shelves as Amber followed her to assist in the looting 鈥� I mean, shopping.
Then there鈥檚 me, standing around and holding Emma鈥檚 doll because the doll鈥檚 hair appointment was going to happen soon and I had to stand there in case Emma was still pillaging 鈥� I mean, shopping.
As Amber and Emma started for the checkout line, I offered to pay for the items while they waited with the doll for the hair appointment; however, Amber said, 鈥淓ven though it鈥檚 Emma鈥檚 birthday money, you鈥檒l bleed out of your eyes when you see how much this stuff costs.鈥�
She had a good point, but I was still stranded, holding a doll and praying they鈥檇 return before I was summoned to present the doll to the hairstylist 鈥� and never in my life did I think I鈥檇 write that sentence, but there you go.
In that store, prayers never reach the sky because, before I knew it, I heard, 鈥淗airstyle appointment for Hofmann鈥�.
I felt all eyes on me 鈥� from the sympathetic dads feeling my pain, to the scorn of little girls and their mothers still waiting 鈥� as I approached the doll hairstylist and handed her the doll.
鈥淥kay, and this is for Hofmann鈥︹�� she said, checking the computer. 鈥淎nd your doll鈥檚 getting a waterfall and braids, correct?鈥�
鈥淎 waterfall?!鈥� I screamed. 鈥淗ow much is that going to cost?!鈥�
They assured me that a waterfall is a hairstyle and that I should stop sobbing and causing a scene.
Fortunately, Emma came over to watch the procedure, leaving Amber at the checkout line. But no worries as Amber finally arrived holding two large bags for me, of course, to hold.
And as we left the store, Emma had a smile on her face that a sandblaster couldn鈥檛 remove. Amber had the glowing joy of a mother who experienced one of the happiest birthday experiences ever through her daughter 鈥� well, that and she also saw a nearby purse store having a sale.
鈥淵ou don鈥檛 mind standing here and watching these bags while I go in, do you?鈥� Amber asked as she and Emma pushed strangers out of their way to go inside.
鈥淣ot at all,鈥� I said. 鈥淭hat鈥檚 what fathers are for.鈥�
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One鈥nd Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com. He co-hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday.