According to Hofmann: The curse of the purse
Ladies, I love you, but there are things about you I鈥檒l never, ever understand.
Of course, there鈥檚 the obvious code words you use during an argument that mean something totally different; I鈥檓 still waiting for Google Translate to help me out with phrases like 鈥淒o what you want to do鈥� and 鈥淲e need to talk鈥� and especially 鈥淚 hate you, and I wish you were dead!鈥�
Other things include why you use makeup to make it look like you鈥檙e not using makeup, when you鈥檙e using makeup.
Finally, what on Earth is a 鈥済ood cry鈥� and why is it okay to have a 鈥済ood cry,鈥� but when I use 鈥済ood profanity in front of children and the elderly鈥� it鈥檚 a problem?
But today鈥檚 focus will be on purses 鈥� handbags, shoulder backs, side packs, traveling storage facility 鈥� whatever you call them.
The first point is the logic of it all.
The late comedian George Carlin had a routine where he said the whole meaning of life is trying to find a place for your stuff.
A purse certainly fits the bill to have a place for stuff 鈥� and what stuff it is!
Since I鈥檓 a guy, my first idea about a purse is something to hold money, but my wife corrects me that women have wallets and the money and the important cards and photos go in the wallets.
鈥淲ell, where do the wallets go?鈥� I asked.
鈥淚n the purse, of course,鈥� was the answer followed by, 鈥淎long with a lot of other stuff.鈥�
Besides the wallet, I found women keep in their purses makeup kits, notebooks, pens, cell phones, candies, mints, gum, prescriptions and over-the-counter medications and pepper spray/Tasers.
Now, that鈥檚 just one purse because, for some reason, there鈥檙e more purses and more beyond that, which brings me to my second point, how many is enough?
My wife continuously tells me I need to replace my wallet because it鈥檚 鈥渨earing out鈥� and 鈥渇alling apart鈥� and 鈥渟melling really bad and attracting feral animals.鈥�
I have no intention of ever replacing my wallet until it cannot perform its intended duties, which is to hold my stuff, and I don鈥檛 care if it鈥檚 basically a thin and weathered leather strap held together by duct tape and dental floss and on the verge of exploding.
My wife, on the other hand, wants to buy a new purse before the first one is broken in or before the mist from the pepper spray she used on me has dried.
鈥淏ut you just got a purse, didn鈥檛 you?鈥� was my mantra whenever we would go shopping.
鈥淵eah, but that鈥檚 a Michael Kors purse!鈥� she said, like it meant something to me and would force me to abandon logic.
And it almost works until I look at the price, which brings me to my third point: how much!??!?!?!?!
I can go out and buy a wallet for under $10 鈥� under $20 if I opt for real leather and no Velcro. Sure, I understand that it鈥檚 not like a purse that can be accessorized with shoes, clothing, hats, jewelry and electronic monitoring bracelets. A wallet is only a bulge in a back pocket until it鈥檚 taken out and thoroughly emptied to purchase a purse.
One thing I noticed in my purse research is that purses with company names consisting of names of real people are really expensive.
As previously mentioned, there鈥檚 Michael Kors as well as Vera Bradley, Marc Jacobs and what I鈥檝e recently learned to be the Holy Grail of purse designers, Louis Vuitton.
Someone I know had won a Louis Vuitton purse, and when I learned that she thought the purse was too small and wanted to get rid of it, she said someone she knows was willing to give her $2,000 for the purse, which goes for $1,7000 retail.
That, I think, would lead to a good cry, but I told her I needed to see a purse that expensive with my own eyes.
She came out with a big box that read 鈥淟ouis Vuitton鈥� on it, she placed it on a chair and opened the box where she then pulled out what looked like a cloth bag.
鈥淭hat鈥檚 just a cloth bag,鈥� I said, but then found out the purse was inside the cloth bag.
Now, the purse didn鈥檛 look like it was anything special to me as it鈥檚 an item to carry stuff, yet this turducken-esque oddity was basically stuffed into stuff that was then stuffed into some other stuff.
In the end, the purse is yet another one of those things you ladies have that guys will never understand or want to understand.
All we ask is to keep it way under $1,000 or we鈥檙e going to need to talk and have a good cry over it 鈥� I think.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One鈥nd Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com. He co-hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday.