According to Hofmann: The Bad News Bearers
Nobody likes to hear bad news, but it seems there are people out there who kind of enjoy relaying bad news and have their own unique way of doing so.
Now, to be clear, I鈥檓 not talking about the bad news that drastically alters someone鈥檚 life like the death of a beloved relative, a house burning down, finding out you鈥檝e been robbed, finding out you鈥檝e been robbed and the robber then burned down your house or the discontinuation of the McRib or Shamrock shake at McDonalds.
This bad news is actual news that鈥檚 bad locally to globally. It鈥檚 something you would eventually hear on the news, and has befallen people you may be several degrees or several years separated from. That鈥檚 the news some people can鈥檛 wait to share with you.
The first person in my life to do this is my mom, but with her, it鈥檚 almost like the worst game of 鈥淕uess Who鈥� ever.
For a fictional example:
鈥淢ark, do you remember that kid who was on your soccer team?
鈥淚 remember most of them.鈥�
鈥淣o, this kid was kind of tall, had brown hair鈥︹��
鈥淚 don鈥檛 know who you鈥檙e talking about.鈥�
鈥淵es you do. You two were friends on the team, he came over here once for your birthday party鈥︹��
鈥淯mm鈥ot ringing the bell.鈥�
鈥淵ou know him! His name started with a 鈥淒鈥� like Danny or Donny or Dante or鈥撯��
鈥淲ait. You mean Dylan?鈥�
鈥淵es! That鈥檚 it!鈥�
鈥淵eah, I remember him.鈥�
鈥淲ell, he died yesterday. Turned to dust by an alien ray gun. Nasty way to go.鈥�
鈥淢辞迟丑别谤!鈥�
I have to admit, that exchange looks funnier on paper than relaying it on a therapist鈥檚 couch.
Anyway, it seems that my wife, Amber, has picked up that particular baton from my mother. Amber, however, doesn鈥檛 play guessing games 鈥� she passes it right along to me, but at a slow burn. Then again, she works in the medical field so it鈥檚 more of a bandage slowly being peeled off the skin.
Let鈥檚 use the example of my fictional dead soccer-playing companion.
鈥淥h, guess what,鈥� she normally starts. This is a trick question because she launches right into the story without waiting for an answer.
鈥淵ou know that guy who knew who you played soccer with, Dylan? So, his fiancee鈥� posted on Facebook that he didn鈥檛 come home from his job at the bank, and she tried everyone, she called his parents, his friends, the police, and nobody could find him. Well, I guess the Martians got him, zapped him when he was crossing the street during Monday鈥檚 invasion. All hail Leader Zort, by the way. Yeah, nothing left except a pile of ash, a watch and some dental work. Oh, here comes our waiter; are you in the mood for an appetizer or no?鈥�
With Amber, it鈥檚 not just deaths, but she tells me about break ups, crimes, infidelities, what fictional character is being canceled any given week and people鈥檚 general bad behavior.
At first, I thought it was just me. I thought maybe I attracted such news like I attract bed bugs and spare remote controls to unknown devices, but I was out with Amber and my brother-in-law, and Amber started telling a story when my brother-in-law said, 鈥淥h, here comes Amber with her depressing news!鈥�
So, why is it some women are the ones who are breaking these bits of news? You鈥檇 figure it would be more ingrained in our DNA that the opposite would be true.
Think about the cavemen out hunting and gathering while the cavewomen are home, cave-keeping and raising cavekids.
鈥淗ow was hunt, dear?鈥� she asks her mate, and I鈥檓 translating because the actual text would be something like 鈥淏lah fragh goop de-hrgb, dear?鈥�
鈥淕ot bad news,鈥� the male says. 鈥淵ou know Lugh from three caves down? He didn鈥檛 make it鈥he mastodon got him.鈥�
鈥淥h no! Shalg must be a wreck! I鈥檒l go over and see her.鈥�
鈥淣o need. I claimed her as my second wife. She鈥檚 outside the cave carving up the mastodon.鈥�
I know that sounds sexist, but keep in mind that was roughly a million years ago鈥揼ive or take a few hundred thousand years. If you want to cancel the history of the caveman next for being problematic, then good luck with that, but don鈥檛 tell me about it.
I鈥檓 sure my wife is going to sit down to dinner one week and say, 鈥淕uess what? Now they鈥檙e trying to cancel the caveman!鈥�
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One鈥nd Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com. He co-hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday.