According to Hofmann: Unicorns … that’s it
One day I started thinking about unicorns.
I never gave them much thought, even with a stepdaughter who has roughly 30 plush and toy unicorns scattered throughout her room and the house and the yard and spilling out on the street.
The only time that I talk about or even mention unicorns is when I would trip over said unicorns and yell at my kid to pick up her mess.
I think it was the name that first started getting the rusty wheels in my head to move 鈥� mainly because, when you really think about the name, it doesn鈥檛 make a lick of sense.
鈥淯ni鈥� meaning 鈥渙ne鈥� and 鈥渃orn鈥� meaning 鈥︹�漜orn.鈥�
I鈥檓 sure there was some meaning behind the word that made more sense, but before I looked that up, I came up with my own origin story of the unicorn that involved a horse rushing out of a cornfield in the dead of night as a farmer and his wife saw the horse running past them with a single ear of corn stuck onto the horse鈥檚 head.
FARMER: 鈥淗oney, is that our horse?鈥�
WIFE: 鈥淣o! Horses don鈥檛 have corn growing out of its head.鈥�
FARMER: 鈥淲ell, that鈥檚 one ear of corn, so that makes it 鈥� a singlecorn?鈥�
WIFE: 鈥淣o, that鈥檚 stupid, and you should expand your vocabulary. I鈥檓 calling the magnificent creature a unicorn!鈥�
FARMER: 鈥淲hatever it鈥檚 called, I鈥檓 going to shoot it.鈥�
Actually, according to my research, the name comes from 鈥淯nicornis,鈥� which contains two Latin words: 鈥渦nus鈥� meaning 鈥渙ne鈥� and 鈥渃ornu鈥� meaning 鈥渉orn.鈥�
But still, a more appropriate (or inappropriate, depending on your age and gender) name for a horse with a horn should be 鈥渉orny-horse.鈥� Just saying.
The earliest description of a unicorn was from the historian Ctesias, who wrote that the creature was the size of a horse with a white body, purple head, blue eyes and with a red, black and white horn sticking out of its forehead.
He also wrote that those who drank from the horn would be protected from stomach trouble and epilepsy.
So the horn of the magical unicorn has the modern medicinal equivalent to Pepto Bismol and seizure medication, but not the powers of flight and immortality like I had been led to believe.
That鈥檚 like saying if you find a leprechaun鈥檚 pot of gold, your reward is a buy-one-get-one free coupon and a free dessert at Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Oh, and the creature that Ctesias described was most likely a rhinoceros, as Ctesias probably ate a few funny mushrooms before heading out on that particular journey, which makes more sense because his description of a unicorn sounded more like the description of Puff the Magic Dragon.
Now, it鈥檚 hard for me to imagine how the idea of a creature that鈥檚 the subject of a hallucinogenic-fueled case of mistaken identity has become and has remained a fixture in all things prepubescent girly, if such a category exists.
I mean, sure, most girls have a fixation with horses, but you鈥檇 think a horse with an appendage that can impale would lessen their enthusiasm a bit.
Besides, also, therefore, in my research, I found that people have a strange fixation on attaching things to horses like the Pegasus, which is a horse with wings.
But that鈥檚 not all. You鈥檝e probably seen shirts featuring a spray-painted image of a unicorn with wings. If you haven鈥檛, just go to a state or county fair and hang around where the vendors are set up between those selling pocket knives and those applying temporary tattoos, and you鈥檒l see them. Trust me.
I never knew what those things were called and after I looked it up, I still don鈥檛 know because the internet gave the following names: Alicorn, Alaricorn, Unipegasus, Unipeg or Pegacorn.
So, we just throw out random names to this thing now? You might as well call it a Shoosham Fling-A-Boo because, well, why not?
If you wondered what else can you do to a horse 鈥� in a mythological and legal way 鈥� well, there鈥檚 the centaur, which is half man and half horse and whole excitement, and there鈥檚 the Hippogriff, which is half eagle and half horse and a whole lotta stupid.
I mean, is the Hippogriff supposed to be an improvement on the Pegasus or the Shoosham Fling-A-Boo? You have a horse or unicorn with functional wings, but, for some reason, they decided to attach half of an eagle 鈥� a creature nowhere near the size of a horse 鈥� to a horse.
At the very least you can say that a Pegasus or a Shoosham Fling-A-Boo is a beautiful, majestic creature. A half horse/half eagle is something edited out of 鈥淭he Island of Dr. Moreau鈥� as if H.G. Wells weighed his options between writing something seen as fantastical or bat-poop crazy.
To tell the truth, so did I, and that鈥檚 why, one day, I stopped thinking about unicorns 鈥� Shoosham Fling-A-Boos, on the other hand, are totally different creatures all together.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One 鈥� and Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com. He co-hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday.