According to Hofmann: DIY Horror #5: Toilet paper
Well, you truly can find anything online 鈥� even things you didn鈥檛 know you were looking for, asked for or longed for. In this case, it鈥檚 do-it-yourself toilet paper, the first entry in a series I鈥檓 calling DIY Horrors.
How I came across that little gem was a video that popped up on social media when all I was looking for were movie trailers for the latest direct-to-video/streaming films starring Nicholas Cage or Bruce Willis. What I go was a video on how to make homemade toilet paper. Maybe my online guardian angel algorithm was trying to tell me something.
Anyway, when one is presented with such a video, one can either be grossed out and flee in terror, one can dive in butt-first and get all the DIY knowledge possible. Or, one can be like me and say, 鈥淗ello, future humor column!鈥� and then press play.
I can at least say the video was very comprehensive.
You start with the initial ingredients, which is 10 sheets of newspaper. Now, I鈥檓 sure that will make those who鈥檝e sent me 鈥渇an mail鈥� over the years especially happy to read.
Along with that main ingredient, the recipe also calls for two handfuls of grass and leaves to be used 鈥� just make sure you avoid poison ivy and sumac or you鈥檒l be looking up DIY Cortizone cream, which is DIY Horror #14. Stay tuned!
Then you soak the newspaper in water until it breaks apart and is all soft and mushy 鈥� much like toilet paper does before you splatter it on your ex-girlfriend鈥檚 car while she鈥檚 spending the evening at her new boyfriend鈥檚 house. (When the wet TP dries up, it gets hard so Derrick, 鈥渢he dreamboat,鈥� takes forever to hose it off her car, or so I鈥檓 told.)
You then take that sloppy pile of paper and put it in a pot of water along with the grass and leaves.
Then bring the pot to a boil. I don鈥檛 know what boiled newspaper and lawn debris smells like, but someone with a trained nose would walk into a kitchen, take a whiff and say, 鈥淚s that the B section of the Sunday paper? Also, I hope you didn鈥檛 take the grass from where the dogs goes to the bathroom because I鈥檓 getting a hint of Alpo.鈥�
Next, you strain out of the water, add some baby oil, place what looks like the stomach contents of a dead giraffe on a towel and smooth it out with a rolling pin. You then cover that with another towel, a board and weights for 30 minutes to compress any remaining moisture out.
Then, to make sure you get all the remnants of the remaining moisture out, you lay the piece of modern art in the sun.
Finally, you cut it in strips so at least there鈥檚 the illusion of the shape of real toilet paper (though even in the video, the toilet paper is breaking apart as the guy cuts it in strips and rolls it up on an old toilet-paper roll).
Now, I can understand the desire to have homemade toilet paper, especially following the horror-inducing shortage of toilet paper experienced through the pandemic, but I see a few problems with making your own.
First off, something that flimsy cannot survive Taco Tuesday because even the best two-ply out there is facing an uphill battle in that scenario.
Second, if you don鈥檛 have the forethought to make your toilet paper ahead of time and keep it in storage in case of emergencies, you have to spend what looks like a good two-plus hours to make it, which will likely cause your emergency to become an accident.
Third, if you鈥檙e making your own toilet paper to save money, you better be a hermit living in a shack in the woods and and selling animal pelts in tourist traps to make a living because your guests probably won鈥檛 want to go back to your house for Taco Tuesday Trivia again.
Of course, if you still want to make your own toilet paper and keep your friends, you can always point them to the ripped-out school-bus seat with a hole in it and an attached garden hose and tell them it鈥檚 your DIY bidet 鈥� AKA DIY Horror #3.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One 鈥� and Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com. He co-hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday.