According to Hofmann: The dad joke plateau
I have to give a shout-out to my brother, who was a big inspiration for this week鈥檚 column.
You see, he and I were talking, and I was saying I didn鈥檛 have an idea for my next column, everyone is going to find out I鈥檓 a fraud, I鈥檓 going to lose my job and family, and then I would have to move in with him and his wife and kids.
He cut me off, told me to stop sobbing and suggested I write about the cultural phenomenon of dad jokes and offered some insight on the subject.
Dad jokes, for those who are unfamiliar, are those quick, punny jokes that make the one telling the joke (99.9999829% of the time it鈥檚 a dad) laugh the hardest. The recipient of the joke normally groans, rolls their eyes or sometimes laughs, but they feel ashamed to laugh at even the most legitimately funny dad joke.
Some examples:
鈥淲hy shouldn鈥檛 you iron a four-leaf clover? Because you don鈥檛 want to press your luck!鈥�
鈥淗ow does a barber cut hair on the moon? Eclipse it!鈥�
鈥淲hat do Olympic sprinters eat before a race? Nothing鈥hey fast!鈥�
It鈥檚 not like I haven鈥檛 thought of writing about dad jokes before, but I marked it up as some kind of biological thing that happens to a man鈥檚 chemical makeup when he suddenly has fatherly responsibilities or maybe some kind of socio-psychological event that鈥檚 a hybrid of the nature-nurture debate gone very wrong.
I didn鈥檛 understand the simple idea and it was like my brother so aptly put it, 鈥淲ell, what other jokes do I know that I can tell my kids? A priest, a minister and a rabbi visit a brothel鈥︹��
I鈥檇 write the rest of that joke, but it may hurt my chances of running for public office someday.
It鈥檚 said, but true. People鈥檚 jokes evolve as they grow older, and the bridge from immaturity to maturity is burned down by your children with flamethrowers 鈥� or so it seems, but more on that later.
If you don鈥檛 believe me, think about the innocence of childhood and hearing a 鈥渄irty joke鈥� on the playground.
TIMMY: 鈥淜nock, knock!鈥�
JOHNNY: 鈥淲ho鈥檚 there?鈥�
TIMMY: 鈥淧oopy.鈥�
JOHNNY: 鈥淧oopy who?鈥�
TIMMY: 鈥淧oopy fart-butt.鈥�
They both then hysterically laugh for approximately three minutes.
JOHNNY: 鈥淥h, Timmy, you鈥檙e one of the best comedy writers on the playground!鈥�
TIMMY: 鈥淩eally? I thought my timing was a bit off.鈥�
JOHNNY: 鈥淣o, you should totally open with that at lunch tomorrow.鈥�
So, gentlemen, we鈥檝e gone from the playground, to jokes that would offend a motorcycle gang at a bachelor party and then to the never-offensive dad jokes.
Why? What happened?
The answer is simple. It鈥檚 not the kids who are responsible for dad jokes, but the wives.
Now, I want to stress that not all wives are responsible for this plague that has infected the world of comedy, but a majority of the wives are, and I think it鈥檚 a safe bet those wives don鈥檛 read my columns.
Single dads 鈥� not all single dads, I have to stress 鈥� will likely tell either playground jokes or bachelor party jokes to their kids without a second thought unless the second thought is, 鈥淵ep, I was right the first time to think that was a darn funny joke.鈥�
The problem is with the wives, the officers of inappropriateness that lurk behind every corner with ears tuned like dog鈥檚 and will scold their man for corrupting a child鈥檚 innocence.
You know that to be true if your kid鈥檚 unmarried uncle is visiting and does or says something funny, but offensive; it鈥檚 always the wife that swoops in to tell them what鈥檚 what.
However, the uncle doesn鈥檛 falter like the husband as his reply is normally, 鈥淲hat!? That was funny!,鈥� and the father just thinks, 鈥淵es, darn funny.鈥�
It鈥檚 just logical to wonder where it goes from the dad jokes, and that鈥檚 the good news to come out of this column.
You see, as we adult males grow older, we get a little more grizzled, a little more cranky, the filter between our minds and our mouths begin to malfunction and we become indifferent鈥損erhaps even hostile 鈥� to the thoughts, feelings and opinions of others.
In other words, the dad joke phase of a married man鈥檚 life is just a plateau; there鈥檚 no telling how wide the plateau is, but it will eventually slope down to bachelor party jokes and, if us men have enough grit, then we鈥檒l tell the bawdiest of jokes in front of kids and their parents while the little rugrats are being baptized by the Pope himself.
Who said there鈥檚 nothing to look forward to about getting old?
So, when a dad tells a dad joke, keep in mind it won鈥檛 last forever and keep in mind that they鈥檙e not dad jokes; they鈥檙e wife jokes because the wife may groan and roll her eyes, too, but she鈥檚 also thinking, 鈥淎t least it鈥檚 not that one about the Sunday school teacher with Tourette鈥檚 鈥� even though that was a darn funny joke.鈥�
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One 鈥� and Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com. He co-hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday.