According to Hofmann: Ghosts of holiday movie-debate past
Just when you thought it was safe to tell people what your favorite Christmas movie is, someone has to come and ruin it for you.
As many of you know, I鈥檝e been a strong advocate to have 鈥淒ie Hard鈥� be recognized as a Christmas movie 鈥� I even went to Washington D.C., though it was for a high school field trip. But the spirit of my conviction of 鈥淒ie Hard鈥� being a Christmas movie was at least in my heart at the time.
Anyway, in my quest to legitimize 鈥淒ie Hard鈥� as a proper Christmas movie, it seems that a whole new crop of movies sprung up to also claim themselves as Christmas-movie staples.
I was even more taken aback to see those movies appeared with 鈥淒ie Hard鈥� on several must-see Christmas movie lists.
Some of these movies made me say, 鈥淲ell, okay, I never thought of that film being a Christmas movie, but if 鈥楳iracle on 34th Street鈥� is so adamant about it, then fine.鈥�
Other movies, however, made me spit out my eggnog all over my laptop, sip another mouthful of eggnog and spit that over the laptop a second time.
Now, I have to admit a pang of guilt hit me because I couldn鈥檛 help to feel that I was a part of the movement that opened the floodgates to bring those films in the fold and muddied the waters of holiday entertainment of classic movies of the season like 鈥淎 Christmas Story,鈥� 鈥淎 Christmas Carol鈥� and 鈥淭he Muppet Christmas Carol.鈥� The Muppets seems to legitimize anything, I鈥檝e found.
Then, I reminded myself that I鈥檓 a journalist and I felt it necessary to address the problem with an open mind.
I had to consider the movies mentioned, which included familiar ones to me like 鈥淏atman Returns,鈥� 鈥淟ethal Weapon,鈥� 鈥淓dward Scissorhands,鈥� 鈥淕remlins鈥� and 鈥淓yes Wide Shut.鈥�
As much as I would love to analyze those movies, I don鈥檛 have the time and if I find out those aren鈥檛 actually Christmas movies, then I鈥檝e wasted valuable Holiday Entertainment Hours that could have been spent on true classics like 鈥淒ie Hard,鈥� 鈥淒ie Hard 2鈥� and 鈥淭he Muppet Die Hard鈥�.
Of course, they also included movies like 鈥淛ust Friends,鈥� 鈥淟ove Actually鈥� and 鈥淲hile You Were Sleeping.鈥� All of those are, first and foremost, chick flicks, and I can鈥檛 force myself to watch any of them.
That鈥檚 why we鈥檒l have to go by my established criteria that allows anyone to see if those movies earn a Christmas label much like I did for 鈥淒ie Hard.鈥�
1. Themes of the story reflecting on Christmas. True, you may have to use what people call mental gymnastics to make your point stick, but when it comes to art, you can have a solid interpretation, which means almost any BS will work if you frame it just right.
2. Christmas songs. As I pointed out in my original argument for 鈥淒ie Hard,鈥� the movie had more Christmas songs in it than 鈥淚t鈥檚 A Wonderful Life.鈥� With that said, the magic number of songs is five, and that can include the same Christmas song played several times during the movie.
3. Christmas references/visuals. To be considered a Christmas movie, there should be over 20 references, which can be anything from decorations and people giving season鈥檚 greetings to one another to snowfall and eggnog-chugging contests.
4. Time proximity to Christmas: At least 40% of the movie鈥檚 runtime has to take place on Christmas Eve and/or Christmas Day or a significant event or the movie鈥檚 climax should happen on Christmas.
5. Fruitcake references: If there鈥檚 none, no big deal, but just one, then it鈥檚 an automatic Christmas movie. If 鈥淪tar Wars鈥� had or made mention of fruitcake 鈥� instant Christmas movie!
With criteria in place, a movie has to meet at least three of those criteria to be considered a Christmas movie.
Now that you know the rules, I want you to enjoy this Christmas weekend with family, friends or strangers passed out on a bus and watch your favorite Christmas movie.
If they argue that you鈥檙e not watching a Christmas movie, you tell them what you learned here in this column.
If they tell you that I鈥檓 a know-nothing hack, chances are they鈥檙e related to me.
If they insist you鈥檙e wrong, and you don鈥檛 want such an argument to ruin your holiday, then just opt to watch 鈥淭he Muppet Die Hard.鈥� At least that鈥檚 universally acceptable.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One 鈥� and Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com.