According to Hofmann: Artificial flavor of the month
Something strange happened the other day when I took a sip of my stepdaughter鈥檚 bottle of flavored water, and it wasn鈥檛 because she served it to me out of a hollowed-out artificial leg.
The strangeness of it was my first thought being, 鈥淲ow! That tastes like actual artificial watermelon!鈥�
The juxtaposition of it was, if it were actual watermelon juice, I鈥檇 likely spit it out and wonder if I were being poisoned.
The ramification of it was it would only strengthen my addiction to artificially-flavored drinks enhanced with high fructose corn syrup.
The absurdity of it was my brain has been wired to accept an artificial watermelon flavor as something natural 鈥� living in The Matrix of Flavortown, if you will.
The tragedy of it was someone was missing an artificial leg, and I quickly grew accustomed to drinking artificially-flavored beverages out of it, which means at least one of us has a leg up on the other.
Now, I鈥檝e been hearing many folks saying that getting through a pandemic as well as the aftermath of a contemptuous presidential election is the beginning of the end of humanity; however, could living in a society that doesn鈥檛 know the actual flavor of real things also be a contender?
We鈥檙e raising a generation of kids that not only don鈥檛 know that kiwi-strawberry isn鈥檛 a flavor that鈥檚 found in nature from one fruit (it isn鈥檛; I checked like three times), but they also think an actual raspberry is blue because that鈥檚 the color of the raspberry popsicle they grew up with.
Okay, so maybe it isn鈥檛 the End of Days, but perhaps more like The End of the Day, which is still kinda bad.
The artificial tomfoolery doesn鈥檛 end with what we eat and drink when you think about the insanity of fake scents that are used in fragrances.
At some point, they decided to pretty much stop making scents of simple, tangible things like lemon, cherry and elderberries and have taken it all to unbelievable levels.
Now they have scents that are supposed to smell like a combination of things that, first, I didn鈥檛 know existed in nature or in a man-made structure and, second, I had no idea the combinations of the things were a thing.
In all honesty, I was going to make up the name of the scents for this column, but after researching what was available, I figured I鈥檇 keep it real and name the fake scents.
So, for starters, we have Mediterranean Lavender, Velvet Woods, Salt Mist Peony and Harvest Pumpkin because they cant just call it Pumpkin Spice like everyone else.
Other scents are supposed to mimic a destination.
Those include Candlelit Cabin, Rainforest Teak, Icy Blue Spruce and The Waters of Bora Bora. I imagine the scent manufacturers were wagering that 99.9% of the people buying the spray or candle have never been to Bora Bora, and, therefore, could neither confirm nor deny scent accuracy.
They also have scents that are real, but questionable if someone would want to cherish those at all 鈥� stuff like Morning Dew, Driftwood and Sea Minerals. I can see wanting to smell a freshly-baked apple pie, but sea minerals? I don鈥檛 even know what that is.
鈥淚 can鈥檛 wait to wade in the ocean and take in the aroma of salt, fish guts and barnacles!鈥�
The most ridiculous thing is the fact that scents now supposedly capture cherished memories that can be relived through an aerosol can, burning wax or a clip that attaches to a vent on your car鈥檚 dashboard.
So keep that in mind when you鈥檙e feeling nostalgia for things like Cliffside Sunrise, Lantern Walk, Alfresco Afternoon, Over the River, Wedding Day and Singing Carols.
The problem with those scents is that it鈥檚 all subjective to the one who smells it, a.k.a. the smeller.
For example, someone who sang carols in a snowy Connecticut suburb has a vastly different sensory experience than someone who sang carols with fellow inmates in The Black Hole prison in Calcutta.
The poetic justice of it 鈥� all of it 鈥� is you鈥檙e likely spraying that stuff to coverup something stinky you naturally did in the bathroom or eating something to fool your taste buds into not realizing your mouth is full of putrid bacteria.
Well, now that I think about that, maybe it鈥檚 not real poetic justice, just the artificial justice served in the most artificial way. And that鈥檚 good enough for me.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One鈥nd Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com. He co-hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday.