According to Hofmann: Every dog has it’s day…at the table
The image of having a dog begging and/or waiting for food below a family dinner table is as iconic as The Beatles crossing Abbey Road or Albert Einstein sticking his tongue out at the camera or the construction workers eating lunch on a steel beam of a skyscraper in New York City where, I鈥檓 sure, there was a dog 800 feet below, waiting for scraps to fall.
Sometimes it鈥檚 hard to believe dogs descended from wolves, especially when you look at a poodle鈥hen you spend time with a vicious poodle and then it鈥檚 not all that hard to believe.
But even though dogs sitting below dinner tables are a far cry from their hunting ancestors, the cunningness of the hunt is still in all domesticated dogs. Well, that and slobbering.
That notion became crystal clear to me recently when we watched my brother-in-law鈥檚 German Shepherd named Buck for a few days, and I observed him and my Australian Shepherd/Border Collie named Oreo at the dinner table.
Now, to set the stage, there are four people at my dinner table (my wife, my daughter, my mother and me), or six individuals whenever you count Oreo and Buck jumping up to the table to see what鈥檚 on the menu.
Actually, the two were pretty good in that regard, but I noticed they were both circling around the table whenever a new motion or sound caught their attention.
They pay extra attention because they鈥檙e waiting for that golden distraction that takes a person鈥檚 eyes away from their food to strike.
Along with that, it seemed that Buck was observing and listening to Oreo during their normal stalking of dinner, like Oreo was explaining his tried-and-true layout and strategy to snatch food away from the table.
鈥淪o the fat man is the one you ignore,鈥� Oreo was likely saying to Buck. 鈥淗is mouth is a black hole that sucks in all the food surrounding him. If he starts talking about something called 鈥楤atman,鈥� he gets excited and sometimes food falls from his mouth, but believe me, that鈥檚 a rare occurrence. He almost ate his own hand once!
鈥淭he female next to him, the one that calls herself 鈥楳ommy-kins,鈥� is a risk; she may throw some food at you to shut you up if you start barking, but if you go too far and bark too much, they鈥檒l move you to the spare room where there鈥檚 not even a carpet on which to go to the bathroom, so what鈥檚 the point? Besides she gives all her remaining food to the fat man.
鈥淵our best bets are the two remaining females鈥搕he youngest and the oldest. Their hearts are soft, and their wills are weak. A wide-eyed glance and a soft whine or bark can land you a piece of meat or two, or the older one will even lower her plate and instruct you to 鈥榗lean it for grammy.鈥� That鈥檚 the gold mine, especially, if the fat one yells at her to stop and a dinner roll falls to the floor in all the mayhem like the Thanksgiving of 2020, which was a long time ago in our years.鈥�
If you don鈥檛 believe me when I tell you it鈥檚 really like that, pay attention to your dog the next time you and your family sit down to dinner or lunch or breakfast or even if everyone in your household sits down to pretend to eat dinner because you鈥檙e a family of mimes.
You have to really pay attention to your dog to the point where your food gets cold and your joints begin to stiffen, but you鈥檒l eventually see it.
You鈥檒l see your dog wondering why you鈥檙e not eating and not moving and maybe not breathing, if you happen to be a truly dedicated observer, and your dog will tilt their head like they do when you say something they don鈥檛 understand.
At that point your dog will know you鈥檙e wise to them, and then the game is truly on.
Just be aware that if you happen to have two dogs in the house, chances are the second dog has already jumped up to get the food you鈥檙e ignoring. Then, while you鈥檙e chasing/yelling/cursing/barking at that dog for taking half your food, the first dog has jumped up to the table to take your other half of food.
Just like they planned it.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One鈥nd Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com. He co-hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday.