According to Hofmann: Rage against the dying of the Christmas lights
The procrastination involved with taking down Christmas lights is a phenomenon that scientists are eventually going to get around to studying when there鈥檚 a warm day and when they have a free afternoon.
I certainly put off taking down my lights this year. It wasn鈥檛 the latest I ever kept them up, but it was late enough that I couldn鈥檛 use my tried-and-true excuse that I was observing an Orthodox-Catholic Christmas, even though I鈥檓 a Methodist.
Instead, I鈥檝e been telling people that I joined a cult that preaches laziness. For the record, it鈥檚 called The Procrastination Movement鈥ventually.
But the motivation for putting up the lights was the same motivation that caused me to take them down, and that鈥檚 the nagging wife. So, it was either take down the lights or enjoy the display from the doghouse, so it was a no brainer.
However, taking down my Christmas lights is a reminder that I didn鈥檛 know what I was doing when putting up the lights in the first place.
Nothing illustrated that better than me standing on my porch with a long string of lights wrapped around my hands and arms and even one leg and leading in a criss-crossed pattern to the porch columns. Oh, yeah, I鈥檓 crying, too.
It was then I considered starting The Procrastination Movement鈥ventually so I wouldn鈥檛 worry about putting the lights up at all.
Anyway, during every step in the take-down process, I鈥檓 wondering what I was thinking when putting up the lights in the first place way back in late November or early December. Most likely, my brain was in the twilight moment of recuperating from Thanksgiving while dreading the Christmas season, so it鈥檚 little wonder that I have no recollection of the outside decorating.
Of course, when first opening the storage container full of lights, I wondered why I packed the lights inside so haphazardly except for the string of lights fashioned as a noose.
I really should start writing notes to myself when unboxing and boxing up the lights. I may learn some things about myself every year.
鈥淗i, Mark. This is Mark,鈥� the letter would read. 鈥淗ow are you? I am good. Anyway, half of the lights on this strand are out, but instead of throwing them away, I鈥檓 going to let you attempt to find the bad light and fix the strand. But let鈥檚 face it, you鈥檙e going to lose your mind after testing the first seven lights and just hang it up with only half a strand working. That鈥檚 your legacy; have fun with it. I鈥檓 going to hibernate until Groundhog鈥檚 Day. Bye.鈥�
What an arrogant punk I was back then!
Anyway, another thing about taking down the lights is the fact that most people live in front of a road where, all throughout the Christmas season, passersby get to enjoy your light show; those same people going by your house also have the chance to root for you to be involved in a serious home accident when taking down the lights.
You can鈥檛 deny it. It鈥檚 the same mentality of people going to a NASCAR race because, yes, like seeing Christmas lights, watching a bunch of cars make a left turn for 200 laps sounds pleasing, but not as thrilling as witnessing a 40-car pileup or observing a schmuck鈥檚 balancing act on a rickety ladder to untangle a knot of lights from a 20-foot-high rafter with one hand and holding a beer in the other hand.
Every time I put myself in such a potentially dangerous situation and vehicles passing by, I鈥檓 waiting for them to honk their horns and startle me into falling while the passengers have their phones ready to call 911.
Thankfully, neither happened this year, and I was able to get the lights down鈥ventually.
So, as I say goodbye to holidays and place the lights back in the box and then stomp them down so I can close the storage container, I also thought to write myself a note with simple instructions for later this year.
鈥淗i Mark. This is Mark. How are you? I am fine. Switch to Judaism.鈥�
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One鈥nd Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com. He co-hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday.