According to Hofmann: A hypo-pathetical hangover cure
It鈥檚 true what they say, every rose has its thorn, every head has its tail, every yin has its yang and every Cheech has its Chong.
It鈥檚 also true that every act of fun has its consequence. In the case of a night with too much drinking, the consequence is a morning hangover.
Even the most masochistic person in the world doesn鈥檛 enjoy a hangover鈥搘aking up with a pounding headache, light sensitivity so bad that the soft glow of a candle feels like a prison search light in your eyes, you鈥檙e so dehydrated that you feel the need for someone to invent a Gatorade IV drip because if you swallow anything other than your poisoned saliva, you鈥檒l likely chuck it back up.
It鈥檚 easy to calculate the amount of money it costs for you to get drunk, which is roughly $25 when you factor in the $19 for a 30-pack of Milwaukee鈥檚 Best Ice and $4.50 for half a bottle of Tortilla Tequila Gold. Of course, I鈥檓 not including limes and salt and those shots of cloudy moonshine your friend bought off a guy from the back of a carpet van.
However, Rehabs.com recently conducted a survey of 3,050 adults about how much they would pay for an instant hangover cure.
Now, before you celebrate by reaching in your desk drawer for your bottle of rum or ripping the bottle of bourbon out of its duct-taped cocoon under your home-office chair, know that the survey is for a 鈥渉ypothetical hangover cure,鈥� which is the equivalent of window shopping for a yacht right after purchasing your Powerball ticket.
I鈥檒l touch upon the deceptive nature of the survey a little later because the results of the survey itself are, quite frankly, mind boggling to me and that鈥檚 not because of my electrolyte imbalance due to last night鈥檚 gin-filled-balloon fight.
According to the email sent to me, the average Pennsylvania would pay $61 for an instant hangover cure.
Why $61? I don鈥檛 know; they didn鈥檛 say why and didn鈥檛 point out why the total wasn鈥檛 rounded down to $60 because $61 sounds too odd and too specific.
Keep in mind, though, polls can be quite deceptive as the pollsters do need to disclose some information on how the poll was conducted, specifically what state of mind those being polled were in because the same person could give different answers like in the following鈥�
Sober and not hungover: 鈥淲ell, I haven鈥檛 been hungover since the day after my bachelor party or maybe the day after my wedding鈥搘ait, the day of my wedding鈥ell, one of those days. So, I鈥檇 probably pay $20 for an instant hangover cure because I鈥檓 saving money for a divorce lawyer.鈥�
Drunk: 鈥淚鈥檇 pay nothing, man! I鈥檓 going to be good, good, so good鈥n fact, I can do anything! Hold my beer while I run through this brick wall鈥搚ou鈥檒l see!鈥�
Hungover: 鈥淣o so loud! An instant hangover cure? I鈥檇 pay $60 because I鈥檓 running late for my air-traffic-controller job. I鈥檒l actually throw in an extra dollar if the cure gets the taste of alley cat out of my mouth.鈥�
The study goes further to show how much money people from other states would pay for the magic hangover cure that doesn鈥檛 exist.
For example, people in Louisiana (or Louisianans or Louisianites or Louises?) would pay $83 for the cure, but those from Maine (Mainers, Mainians, Maniacs?) would pay the lowest amount of $15 for 鈥淗angover-B-Gone鈥濃�揑鈥檓 working on a name because I want to cash in on this whenever it happens.
As baffling as the $61 Pennsylvanians are willing to pay for 鈥淗angOver and Out Elixir,鈥� the fact that they can鈥檛 explain the differences in the price people in different states are willing to pay is odd as the study didn鈥檛 attempt to find out why there鈥檚 a difference.
Perhaps it鈥檚 because some states drink more alcohol than others and can handle a hangover.
According to a study by Vinepair.com (yes, I鈥檓 doing way more research than this column deserves) Pennsylvania consumes 25.2 million gallons of booze every year and is 5th in the country, Maine consumes 3.3 million gallons of alcohol and places 39th and Louisiana consumes 9.7 million gallons and places 23rd.
You know what, that really didn鈥檛 help my theory at all, so never mind. Maybe I鈥檒l just stick to how people were feeling when questioned.
Yet again, the Hungover Potion #9 is purely hypothetical, but the Rehabs.com only offered the advice to avoid hangovers by not drinking in the first place or getting help if you can鈥檛 stop drinking, which should have been obvious by the name Rehabs.com.
But for everyone else, I will now reveal to you that my years of research has brought me to a real hangover prevention cure, and it鈥檚 relatively free and distant-relatively simple.
For every alcoholic drink you have, you must follow it up with a glass of water.
The only drawback is the fact that after the first few drinks, you鈥檒l be visiting the bathroom every 10 minutes or so throughout the entire night and people will start questioning you about the size of your prostate.
It鈥檚 a small price to pay, but at least the price isn鈥檛 $60鈥�$61, if you want that alley-cat taste out of your mouth.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One鈥nd Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com. He co-hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday.