According to Hofmann: Japanese game shows and other forms of insanity
I鈥檝e seen a lot of things in my time 鈥� then I discovered the internet and then I pretty much saw everything else, including things that can鈥檛 be unseen.
However, one of the greatest treasures I found were clips and sometimes whole episodes of Japanese game shows.
Now, I鈥檓 not some ignorant xenophobe when it comes to the cultural difference that the Japanese have compared to American in terms of entertainment, so that makes me just an average xenophobe.
It鈥檚 those cultural differences and the Japanese attitude toward pain and especially sex that I can鈥檛 even name some of the game shows in this column; let鈥檚 just say it鈥檚 (CENSORED). Sorry to get graphic there, but it had to be said.
However, the other shows are good, wholesome fun for the whole family, like 鈥淐andy or Not Candy?鈥� where contestants bite into objects like shoes, door knobs, photo frames and house plants to discover if it鈥檚 made out of candy or not; 鈥淶enryokuzaka鈥�, which is a six-minute-long show that includes the credits and commercials, where a woman runs up a steep street and 鈥� that鈥檚 about it; 鈥淚t鈥檚 Electrifying,鈥� where a male contestant slides down a deck into a woman鈥檚 chest and he then receives an electric shock; 鈥淪lippery Stairs鈥� where six contestants climb a set of stairs to reach a treasure chest, but have to get through oil that鈥檚 dumped in strategic spots 鈥� like the stairs, and, last but certainly not least, 鈥淢an Eats Spaghetti in a Dryer鈥� and, after you see the video, you鈥檒l know nothing is lost in translation with that show.
And let鈥檚 not forget that Japan is hosting the Olympics this month and, knowing what I know about their game shows, I think the opening ceremony will be epic. I鈥檓 sure an electric eel will be involved in some way.
Now, Japanese game shows may all seem stupid and pointless to us Americans, even though it鈥檚 the most entertaining, head-scratching thing I鈥檝e ever experienced since a clown once gave me a dutch rub.
On the other hand, I have to wonder what a conversation would be like between two Japanese people reacting to our game shows.
PERSON #1: 鈥淪o, basically, contestants have to answer an answer with a question as an answer or they lose.鈥�
PERSON #2: 鈥淲hat is 鈥楯eopardy!鈥�?鈥�
PERSON #1: 鈥淲hat?鈥�
PERSON #2: 鈥淩ight.鈥�
Plus, I imagine someone from Japan would also find our game shows like 鈥淲heel of Fortune,鈥� 鈥淭he Price is Right鈥� and 鈥淟et鈥檚 Make a Deal鈥� as completely boring wastes of time and totally void of the sex, pain, confusion and humiliation that makes Japanese game shows thrive.
No worries. For that, we have the Philadelphia Annual Naked Bike Ride.
It was recently announced that the event is making a big return since the beginning of the pandemic, and while riders won鈥檛 be wearing clothes, they are required to wear masks because, you know, it鈥檚 best to be sanitary.
Philadelphia鈥檚 group is part of a larger organization called World Naked Bike Ride, which holds nude bike rides in more than a dozen countries. It鈥檚 true. I saw photos of it while doing research for this article; I filed that under The Things I Cannot Unsee on the Internet.
According to what I鈥檝e read, the events are supposed to highlight the negative social and environmental impacts of a car-dominated culture.
Yep. Gotcha. I guess when you鈥檙e cycling nude in public, you can pretty much say you鈥檙e doing it for whatever cause, and people will just accept there鈥檚 some connection and that you鈥檙e not totally insane, but are getting there.
鈥淚鈥檓 doing this to free ourselves from the moon鈥檚 gravitational pull!鈥�
鈥淵eah, and I see your moon鈥檚 gravitational pull behind your bike seat, and now I realize why they invented spandex.鈥�
If I ever attended such an event, I don鈥檛 know what I would look at and quickly turn away from more: the participants or the crowd willing to attend such a spectacle.
Probably best to treat the Philadelphia Annual Naked Bike Ride like a NASCAR race and just watch it hoping for a crash 鈥� or better yet, waiting for something that shouldn鈥檛 be hanging out getting caught in a gear or a spoke.
Wait just a minute! I bet that would make a great game show!
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One 鈥� and Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com. He co-hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday.