According to Hofmann: the all-you-can-eat Warren Buffett
As a theoretical person, I鈥檓 always looking to better myself physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, financially and eventually.
So, when I was browsing the internet to find a recipe for high-fructose corn syrup like my grandma used to make, I was drawn to an article titled 鈥�21 Life Hacks From Warren Buffett.鈥�
For those who don鈥檛 know anything about Warren Buffett, he鈥檚 an investor and businessman worth approximately $101.6 billion, according to Forbes, the authority in finding out how much people are worth or worthless, in some cases.
Also, when you have $101 billion, is it really necessary to include the 鈥�.6鈥�? Does that add some legitimacy to be over the halfway point to reach $102 billion?
When I look at my bank account, I don鈥檛 tell people I have $8.11; I just tell them I have eight bucks, and then whoever is soliciting a donation from me normally leaves me alone and sometimes even hands me a few bucks.
Going into the article, I was expecting Buffett to give stock advice to the tune of something like, 鈥淭herefore, I recommend investing regularly at fixed intervals of funds that track a broad-based index. Any questions?鈥�
鈥淵es, Mr. Buffett, are you related to Jimmy Buffet?鈥�
However, the advice from Buffett 鈥� Warren, not Jimmy 鈥� was certainly more in line with a guy like me who has fallen asleep while watching 鈥淲all Street,鈥� but that advice still didn鈥檛 apply to me.
While there鈥檚 not enough space in this week鈥檚 column to go over all 21 life hacks listed, I鈥檒l hit the highlights with the first piece of advice, and that was to decide you鈥檙e going to be rich.
OK 鈥� I鈥檝e decided 鈥� wait! Oh, all right. I got it. I thought I lost the thought there.
Two pieces of advice that didn鈥檛 stick for me was to start saving at a young age and graduate college early.
Well, I鈥檓 43 years old with eight bucks in the bank 鈥� I mean, $8.11 in the bank. I鈥檇 say the yacht has sailed on those two, Warren.
Speaking of money, another piece of advice was to reinvest your profits.
What 鈥� what are these 鈥︹�漰rofits鈥� of which you speak? Is that, like, the money that appears in my checking account before bills and life leave me with eight dollars?
One nugget of advice was to live frugally, which is good advice for a lot of people, but why, if I want to be rich, would I want to live the way I鈥檓 living right now?
That鈥檚 like deciding to diet and exercise to finally be attractive to the opposite sex, but then you鈥檙e told you have to be celibate.
At that point, I grew angry and then just skimmed through the article and when I started finding advice like being true to yourself, investing in yourself, being honest and giving back, I began to wonder if the guy is just some crazy old hippie that won on a bunch of scratch-off tickets.
Of course, Warren Buffet is just one guy and there are plenty of billionaires out there 鈥� people we鈥檝e never even heard of, so I thought it would be best to contact one of these people to have a real one-on-one conversation.
However, Jeff Bezos and Richard Branson weren鈥檛 available because their reps said the men were 鈥渇lying in a rocket ship above the Earth鈥� 鈥� yeah, likely story; the reps couldn鈥檛 just say they鈥檙e in the bathroom? 鈥� and Bill Gates hacked into my browser search history and declined an interview and any further contact through a court order.
But like the great Buffett famously said, 鈥淲asting away again in Margaritaville 鈥︹��, which I took to mean I had to check social media for the answer, and that I did with someone on Facebook, claiming to be the 鈥淏illionaire Babe Magnet76.鈥�
Seemed legit, so I set up this interview:
ME: Mr. Babe Magnet 76, how do I become a billionaire?
BBM76: First, you need to invest a few million dollars 鈥�
ME: Scratch that, how do I become a millionaire?
BBM76: First, you need to invest a few hundred thousand dollars 鈥�
ME: Let鈥檚 reset by saying I have $8.11 in the bank.
BBM76: Better invest in scratch-off tickets. And, before you can ask another dumb questions, this interview is over.
Yep. That鈥檚 just what I had thought.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One 鈥� and Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com. He co-hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday.