According to Hofmann: Revenge of the Shoppers! (rated-R for retail)
As we all know, COVID-19 has brought the world wonderful new phrases and wonderful new practices like masking, social distancing, remote learning and liquor stockpiling.
However, now that vaccines are being administered and more businesses are expected to fully open again, the bulls are going to be let out of their pens, and they鈥檙e going straight to the local china shop 鈥� for revenge!
That鈥檚 right, after being holed up for a year, mostly taking part in online window shopping (maybe 鈥渟creen shopping鈥� is a more appropriate phrase), consumers are going to hit the malls and other retail outlets, but with a vengeance, it seems.
Many retailers are predicting 鈥渞evenge shopping鈥� or 鈥渞evenge spending鈥� will take place in the near future, involving consumers releasing their pent-up frustration in the only way they know how: by shopping.
It almost sounds like a horror-movie, like if you say 鈥淩evenge Shopper Susan鈥� six times in a mirror, Revenge Shopper Susan is going to appear behind you and slash you with her platinum card.
Normally, I wouldn鈥檛 bat an eye at a stupid phrase like 鈥渞evenge shopping,鈥� but this is 2021, the sequel to 2020, and I don鈥檛 think we can overlook anything anymore.
That means this whole revenge shopping thing is going to make Black Friday look like Brown Thursday!
I can only imagine the scene in the big-box-buy-in-bulk stores where crowds of people are smacking each other with an economy pack of disinfectant wipes and using a toilet-paper package the size of a kiddie pool as a shield. Although those items are now fully stocked and shoppers don鈥檛 even really need them in bulk, we鈥檝e been conditioned in the past year to be hunter/gatherers/hoarders.
We鈥檒l most likely have to use a whole new color and invent an entire new day to accommodate this trend of trends.
That鈥檚 why I鈥檓 throwing Green Plutday at the wall and see if it sticks.
Like some other days of the week named after Greek gods, Plutday is named after Plutus, the god of spending and wealth.
I figure it鈥檚 appropriate because Plutus was the god on whom Pluto was based, and I feel bad for that god getting the short end of the stick because he was classified as a planet and then not a planet. Now Pluto is pretty much just a cartoon dog.
Plutday can be placed between Friday and Saturday, and can be a part of the new three-day weekend as well as an annual national holiday.
The holiday will have to fall in the second week of March because that鈥檚 roughly the middle of tax season and when many people are most likely to receive their tax refunds. They then can ransack the outlets to revenge shop like they鈥檝e never revenged shopped before, mainly because revenge shopping is a brand new and terrifying concept.
That brings me to my warning: we as a society must also be wary that other revenge reactions will emerge once life goes back to normal 鈥� or the new normal 鈥� or the throwback normal 鈥� or the normal previously known as normal.
So prepare for things like:
Revenge handwashing 鈥� five seconds, no soap, deal with it.
Revenge breathing 鈥� unmasked people taking deep breaths of everything they can in public and then exhaling like a steam whistle.
Revenge distancing 鈥� total strangers giving each other piggyback rides.
Revenge spitting 鈥� if it鈥檚 raining when there鈥檚 no clouds, run!
Revenge partying 鈥� a roaming group of people just barging into random homes to have a party and then moving on.
Revenge door-knob licking 鈥� well, you can just visualize that.
Revenge work meetings 鈥� the whole company huddling in a single board room, sitting on each other, sharing each other鈥檚 food and maybe taking part in a few rounds of Spin the Bottle.
Revenge dining out 鈥� don鈥檛 visit the all-you-can-eat buffets for at least three weeks unless you want to risk losing a finger or two in the mayhem.
Revenge yodeling 鈥� I haven鈥檛 heard live yodeling in a year; don鈥檛 know why, but I鈥檒l stay tuned for that wall of sound.
Revenge spectator seating 鈥� did I write 鈥渟eating鈥�? What I meant was hoards of fans sitting, standing, climbing, clawing and clutching to tightly pack themselves into the stands from the littlest of little-league ball fields to super mega stadiums.
Yes, who can truly say what鈥檚 going to emerge in 2021 and a post-coronavirus world, but just remember the old Spanish saying, revenge is a dish best served cold 鈥� so assault whoever prevents you from buying ice cream in bulk.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One鈥nd Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com. He co-hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday.