According to Hofmann: Search, Alt, Delete
My brother and I made a pact years ago when the internet started becoming a huge monster of information and entertainment and became more accessible to all the wonders that exist in the world.
Simply put, if one of us would die, the surviving brother would clear the other鈥檚 internet browser history to save the deceased whatever, let鈥檚 say, embarrassments they鈥檝e accumulated over the years.
That pact still holds true today 鈥� we even added a condition that if clearing the search history means the surviving brother has to illegally enter the other鈥檚 home and do harm to their widowed sister in-law to get the job done, then so be it.
I recently noticed that I constantly have to look up information on online search browsers for my weekly columns from the little things like 鈥淗ow do you spell exile-a-phone?鈥� (which I did for this column) to big things like 鈥淗ow do you play the xylophone?鈥� (which I didn鈥檛 do for this column) and obvious things like 鈥淲hat鈥檚 a xylophone?鈥� (which I did for this column because music class was 30 years ago).
There鈥檚 really no reason not to go online and view pages to gain knowledge or learn a new skill or hobby 鈥� heck, even YouTube has grown from a place where you can watch videos of cats wearing sunglasses and playing the piano to now watching videos of how to create a video of a cat wearing sunglasses and playing the piano.
It was then I thought that I could write a column just about everything I had to search to, well, write a column. Because, if someone would see my search history, they wouldn鈥檛 know if I was plotting an act of illegal wickedness or planning a surprise party for a pirate.
The column I鈥檓 going to use for the main example is the one from last week about all the mugs in my house.
If you read that column or not, just looking at what I typed in the search history would make you wonder what strange, twisted path on the world wide web I traveled.
Some searches for last week鈥檚 column included:
鈥淲hat are mugs made out of?鈥�
鈥淲hat are champain glasses called?鈥�
鈥淗ow do you spell champain?鈥�
鈥淲hat are champagne glasses called?鈥�
鈥淎re 鈥榯ribbles鈥� from 鈥楽tar Trek鈥� capitalized?鈥�
鈥淲illiam Shatner singing 鈥楻ocket Man鈥�.鈥�
鈥淲illiam Shatner singing 鈥楤ohemian Rapsody鈥�.鈥�
鈥淗ow do you spell rapsody?鈥�
鈥淲illiam Shatner singing 鈥楤ohemian Rhapsody鈥�.鈥�
鈥淲illiam Shatner singing Christmas songs鈥� (For your information, William Shatner singing had nothing to do with last week鈥檚 column about coffee mugs; I just get easily distracted.)
鈥淲hat鈥檚 the difference between cupboards and cabinets?鈥�
鈥淗ow long does adrenaline last in your system?鈥�
鈥淗ow much adrenaline does it take to kill a human?鈥�
鈥淲here would one store a body that died, say, of an adrenaline overdose? I鈥檓 asking for a friend.鈥�
鈥淲illiam Shatner singing AC/DC鈥檚 鈥楾hunderstruck鈥�.鈥�
鈥淗ow many mugs are sold at beach destinations?鈥�
Yep, reading that list totally out of context sounds like a 4-year-old kid with a low attention span bombarding people with random questions all day long, which reminds me:
鈥淎t what age do children ask a lot of questions?鈥� and 鈥淲hat鈥檚 the definition of bombarding?鈥�
See? You even get a peek inside what research went into writing this very column.
I鈥檓 sure I鈥檓 not alone. There are other people out there that probably have the same odd and/or embarrassing combination of search entries that can be taken way out of context like a plumber, a student doing extensive research on Sperm Whales, children鈥檚 birthday party magicians, Charlie Sheen, a sheep breeder and any profession that deals with hotdog wieners.
However, not all those people have siblings willing to take that extra step to clear their search history, so for those souls out there, there鈥檚 only one thing to do:
鈥淗ow do you erase your browser鈥檚 search history and make videos of cats wearing sunglasses and playing the piano to William Shatner singing?鈥�
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One鈥nd Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com. He co-hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday.