According to Hofmann: We’re all Hallmarked
Of all the theorems I鈥檝e enjoyed and embraced over the years, I would have to say my favorite is The Infinite Monkey theorem.
The theorem states that a monkey hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type any given text, such as the complete works of William Shakespeare, just not 鈥淭wo Gentlemen of Verona,鈥� which The Bard totally phoned in.
As a side note on the theorem, I鈥檝e never been sure if the monkey is supposed to live forever or if they put a new monkey in once the previous one retires, and that process continues on for centuries until we end up with 鈥淎 Planet of the Apes鈥� scenario.
Anyway, I think that theorem has already been put in motion and while the monkey hasn鈥檛 even yet produced a Shakespeare sonnet, I think the monkey has cornered the market on the infinite possibilities of greeting cards.
That probability really came to light last week when my stepdaughter and I were rushing into the store to find a last-minute Mother鈥檚 Day card for my mom, my wife, my wife鈥檚 mom and my wife鈥檚 step-mom.
Of course, the horror of that bad timing is always the empty rows that once held the Mother鈥檚 Day card of all Mother鈥檚 Day cards 鈥� one so cherished that the recipient would frame it, keep it by her bed and kiss it every night.
In my situation, the only remaining cards were those for grandmothers from brothers-in-law.
鈥淥kay鈥e can make that work,鈥� I said, snatching cards and the remaining wilting flowers. We went off to make memories of another mediocre Mother鈥檚 Day.
It did strike me odd that such unique sender-to-recipient cards existed, and it had neighbors for all kinds of scenarios.
I found lists of different holidays, occasions and people involved in a greeting-card exchange and discovered holidays that were unknown to me, occasions that I had no idea required a card and people whom I never thought to exist.
It gets complicated when people need to buy cards for engagements/weddings or a pregnancy/births.
With the wedding, you have cards for the bride, the groom, the bride and groom, the bride and bride, the groom and groom, the bride-to-be, the groom-to-be, the bride-to-be-and-baby-riding-shotgun, mother and/or father-in-law-to-be, son and/or daughter-in-law-to-be, clergy, clergy-to-be, maid of honor, best man, wedding party and that one member of the wedding party that nobody is really thrilled to have, but they needed an extra body to even out everything.
With pregnancies, you have such options as mom-to-be, dad-to-be, brother and/or sister-to-be, baby-to-be, new parents, new siblings, new baby, parents, brothers and sister and baby. Like the wedding, you can also add 鈥済rand,鈥� 鈥済reat-grand,鈥� 鈥済reat, great-grand鈥� and 鈥済reatest-grandest鈥� to each person.
Don鈥檛 forget that you can also pick the 鈥渟tep family鈥� categories for all those stepparents, step-grandparents, step-kids, step-siblings, step-aunts and uncles, step-cousins, step-ladders and step-aerobics.
Not surprising, but I found a few head scratchers in there because, if you鈥檙e not in a situation that would require such a card, you really have no clue what the card is all about.
First, there鈥檚 鈥渁ny boy and/or any girl,鈥� which kind of shotguns the greeting to anyone in the crossfire.
鈥淗ey, kid I just met, you鈥檙e okay. Here鈥檚 a card saying so.鈥�
Next was 鈥渂onus brother and/or sister.鈥� Now, I really racked my brain on this one, but the best I could conclude is that it鈥檚 an adoption or step-sibling situation or maybe a family buys a minivan that comes with six months of free satellite radio and an extra kid to help fill all the seats.
Moving on, we have 鈥溾�nd family鈥� attached to different relatives like 鈥渟ister and family,鈥� 鈥渟econd cousin twice removed and family鈥� or 鈥淭he Addams Family and family鈥�.
I didn鈥檛 know what to think of that because, as you have read, there鈥檚 plenty of combinations of greeting-card recipients to include specific members of someone鈥檚 family. My only thought is that it鈥檚 a subtle way to say, for example, 鈥淪ister, I love you, but your husband and kids are just plain horrible.鈥�
But my hands-down favorite has to be 鈥渞omantic interest,鈥� which is a formal way of getting unwanted messages from a stalker.
鈥淥h no鈥t鈥檚 a card from You Know Who, and I say that because that鈥檚 how he signs the card, and he signs it in his own blood!鈥�
Man, when I was a hopelessly-romantic teenager, those cards would鈥檝e come in handy.
Believe me, I鈥檓 just scratching a very itchy surface on the possibilities of greeting cards.
If I would have added everything, then my editor would have to send me a carpal tunnel syndrome get-well card on National Employee Work-Related-Injury Day.
But I want to end this week鈥檚 column by going back to the Mother鈥檚 Day card hunt and the card that actually caused a gas bubble to form in my brain.
It was a card from a grandmother to a granddaughter to wish them happy Mothers鈥� Day.
So, if that grandmother was sending a Mother鈥檚 Day card to her granddaughter, she would also have to send one to her daughter to wish her happy Mother鈥檚 Day, that daughter would have to send her daughter a card, that daughter would also receive a card from her kid and would also send a card to her mother and grandmother, her kid would also send a card to their grandmother and great-grandmother and that grandmother would have to send a card to her mother 鈥� the whole thing sounds like a greeting-card boomerang.
Boomerang celebrations! There really should be a card for that 鈥� wait 鈥� oh, yeah, there is.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One鈥nd Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com. He co-hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday.