According to Hofmann: Toys in cereal will save humanity
It鈥檚 not often that I鈥檓 appalled by a box of cereal, but then again, I thought pulling someone鈥檚 finger was a legitimate digestive aid until I turned 40.
So it鈥檚 of little surprise that I noticed something sitting next to the box of frosted cereal on the countertop the other day. No, it wasn鈥檛 the usual breakfast necessities like a bowl, or spoon or a fifth of Jack Daniels, but a cheap plastic toy encased in a package.
The odd thing about the toy was the package contained no residue from the cereal, so I examined that thing like it was a valuable piece of evidence at a crime scene until my head was filled with pain and voices.
Fortunately, one of the voices had me ask my wife if the toy was inside the bag with the cereal.
My wife said, 鈥淣o, the toy was inside the box, but it was outside of the bag of cereal in the box.鈥�
鈥淲ell, this is unacceptable,鈥� I said.
Why? Because we have denied kids the opportunity to learn the patience, the ingenuity, the perseverance and the sense of the hunt of finding a cereal box toy buried in the mounds of Cap鈥檔 Crunch, Count Chocula and Lucky Charms.
Also, if a kid has siblings, they鈥檙e denied old-school competitiveness and how to play dirty to get the prize. My brother once gouged his thumb into my eye to get to the stick-on tattoo from a box of Rice Krispies before me. Sure, I can鈥檛 legally drive at night, but I鈥檓 tougher because of it.
It鈥檚 like we haven鈥檛 damaged this generation of youngsters enough. You can鈥檛 smoke around them, you can鈥檛 have them prepare and deliver mix drinks to you and you can鈥檛 have them run around in the yard while holding target boards so you can play extreme lawn darts without the police getting all up in your business.
We were tougher as kids.
I remember going to the donut shop back in the 80s; the cramped space was normally packed with men and women drinking coffee and smoking cigarette after cigarette. When you walked into the door, it was like opening a cursed mummy鈥檚 tomb. The smoke embraced you and lulled you inside for a caffeine, sugar, a fat chaser and a hit of second-hand smoke.
Not only did the donut shop allow smoking, they also had those shoe box-size packages for the donuts where a dozen were crammed and smashed inside and caused toppings and flavors to mix and mingle.
Of course, that didn鈥檛 matter so much because when we came home to eat the donuts, they absorbed all of that cigarette smoke, and you could taste it when you bit into one.
I still remember the sandwich-board sign reading, 鈥淭oday鈥檚 featured donuts: Lucky Strike Lemon Filled and Marlboro Maple Bar!鈥�
Did we complain? No 鈥� mainly because we were too busy coughing and trying to gouge each other鈥檚 eyes to get to the last Camel Cinnamon Roll, but we didn鈥檛 complain.
Sure, I have COPD, PTSD and LOL from the experience, but I鈥檓 tougher because of it.
Today, a pack of candy cigarettes comes with a Surgeon General鈥檚 warning, but that鈥檚 only if you can find a pack of candy cigarettes.
So, this column鈥檚 message is, when you know a toy has been included with a box of cereal, do your future adult children a favor and bury it in the actual cereal. They鈥檒l grow up tougher, more resourceful and will have a good head on their shoulders.
Just look at me as an example.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One 鈥� and Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com.