According to Hofmann: 2021 Parental Misery Index
Seeing that it鈥檚 three days after Thanksgiving, which technically means the statement you鈥檙e about to read is four weeks behind the rest of the country, let the Christmas season begin!
And what better way to commence the start of this most sacred and joyous holiday season than by shopping? Goodwill toward men will have to wait until the last few hours of Christmas Day or packaged in with other dead-on-arrival New Year鈥檚 resolutions.
But enough about that crap: Let鈥檚 talk about Christmas shopping, as it鈥檚 time to release my annual Parental Misery Index (PMI).
PMI is my research and analysis of the hottest toys of the holiday season. Those toys are then assigned a rating on my proprietary PMI scale from 1 to 10 based on how miserable the toy will make an unsuspecting parent.
An unattainable score of 1 is for a toy that parents actually want their children to have 鈥� much like vegetables, good grades and tax write-offs.
A score of 10 on the scale means the toy is annoying to the point where a parent may decide to fake their own death just to get out of the house.
For this year鈥檚 PMI research, it pains me to say that I found what I consider to be a disturbing trend in what I call Gateway Gifts.
Much like gateway drugs, gateway gifts seem kind of harmless, but they can lead to bigger, more expensive gifts and dire consequences.
Let鈥檚 take a look at three of the most sought-after toys this year.
Purrble 鈥� Calming Toy Companion with Dynamic Heartbeat and Soothing Purr, price $49.99, for all ages.
Leave it to technology to calm you down 鈥� and no, I鈥檓 not talking about a vape pen loaded with chloroform. A robot wrapped as a cuddly bunny is programmed to integrate social robotics, social-emotional learning and psychology by use of sights, sounds, motions and sensors 鈥� best not to confess any dark desires to it.
PMI Rating: 6.8
The reviews on this toy have been overwhelmingly positive, stating the toy can actually make people calm as you become calm when you comfort and slow down the furry robot鈥檚 fast heartbeat to make it calmly purr and to cause calmness all around. The calm before the storm passes and then your kid asks for a real pet so the dad 鈥� I mean, everyone 鈥� has to take care of it. Don鈥檛 get me wrong: I love pets and I fully support families adopting dogs, cats and feral ponies into their lives, but that decision should never come from a child, especially after they learn to cross their fingers when making a promise to feed it and take it for a walk.
Bluey Caravan Adventure Play Set, price $44.95, for ages 4 and up.
Go on a caravan adventure with Bluey鈥檚 family and friends with caravan features like a fold-up roof, bunk beds, a spacious kitchen, chairs, tables, a fully-functional crapper 鈥� you get the basic idea.
PMI Rating: 7.7
If you think this gift will give your kids a taste of the thrill of traveling in a caravan or RV, getting to know the great outdoors and life beyond what鈥檚 seen on YouTube and TikTok, then you鈥檙e right, and that鈥檚 the problem. This gift is going to lead your kids to beg you to shell out thousands of dollars for the real thing, and the next thing you know, you鈥檙e hauling the family to Yellowstone National Park where they鈥檙e going to be bored out of their skulls and pestering you to shell out more money to stay in a hotel.
Got2Glow Fairy Finder by WowWee, price $39.99, for ages 5 and up.
Who doesn鈥檛 remember as a kid catching lightning bugs in a jar during the summertime and then being perplexed that they all died because you forgot to punch holes in a jar? Well, the good folks at WowWee upped the ante and are having children catch virtual fairies in a magic jar that takes batteries. The enchanted screwdriver to punch holes in the top of the magic jar is sold separately.
PMI Rating: 6.8
If you see gateway trend by now, then you have an idea what fresh torture this will release on your household, especially after your kid 鈥渃atches鈥� all the 鈥渇airies.鈥� They鈥檙e going to drag you into hunting for more fairies and then other mythical creatures like trolls, minotaurs and Sasquatch. Actually, that doesn鈥檛 sound too bad 鈥� maybe fun. I may have to change the PMI Rating to a 3.0 on that one.
So, this shopping season, the theme is most certainly buyer beware as consumers must take their time and exercise careful consideration of what an innocent-looking toy can lead to. Or just roll the dice and get them a feral pony.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One 鈥� and Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com.